love vs sex

[mjfcap]

Hi all....I am in need of a bit more advice

My GF and I are truly in love, but there are some things getting in the way. For starters, she is a sex addict, dont get me wrong, the sex we have is amazing for both of us, we can make love, and we can ****, but most of the time, like many other people it is a combination of both. This is all good I assume, but she has a nasty habit of measuring love with sex(why she is a sex addict)...she is aware she has this problem, and trys very hard not to do it, but it is hard on her because of her past. This is also hard for her to talk about. So I am trying to help her, but without knowing everything it is hard. i am 42, she is 40, I have been in many relationships and have never had arguments about sex, but it seems to happen pretty frequently with this one. Just as an example, after we have had sex, she gets horny just thinking about it, understandable because most times it is very hot, but as an older guy, after 2 or 3 times, all I want is a sandwich.....and because I dont get erect by just seeing her naked or kissing her she says I dont want or love her....she knows this is not right, but cant control herself sometimes. Not only does this add stress to her by tring not to be herself, but its is starting to put pressure on me, and as all you women know, guys dont work very well under pressure. And yes, i have thought about using viagra or something, but i feel this is just a temporary fix.... this is a very difficult subject to talk about with friends, family and even her...but i am hoping one of you may have some insight, and give me some advise....thank you in advance and thanks for reading......MJFCAP

[pisces25]

Hi mjfcap,
If she is genuinely a sex addict my first suggestion would be for her to seek therapy to deal with this and the issues of her past. Women tend to equate sex with love as we have an emotional attachment to sex. By you having sex with her she is 'reassured' you love her. Moreso than when you tell her you love her or do a nice deed for her. Therefore she wants sex with you as much as possible so she gets those feelings of 'love' as much as possible. Unfortunately there isn't actually a lot you can do. I think you need to be direct and tell her how much this is affecting you and the relationship and encourage her to seek help. By standing by her and supporting her through it you will be displaying one of the greatest measures of love we can give to someone who is suffering. You sound like a really understanding guy, I wish you the best of luck.

[SapphireBerry]

My advice is to take a break from that department if its causing stress, difficult for her i know but she as a woman needs to suck it up. I have never had a sex addiction so I don't know what its like though I know whats its like to be extremely aroused and under the influence of hormones. There are other ways of showing love too, rather than dwelling on sex.

[mjfcap]

Thanks to both of you for the advise, it helps.....to Pisces25, she has been seeking professional help for a few years now, this is the only way she is even in a relationship, this problem has broken up all of her past relationships, including her 14 yr marriage . It hurts her very much that she seems to be going down the same path again. Unfortunately , her natural response is to distance her self as not to cause me any pain, but I refuse to let that happen, and do believe it is exactly what she needs.


to Sapphireberry....this is very good advise , I have thought of this myself, and I have showed her every other kind of love I can think of, this is why we are still together, I believe I am starting to show her what love really is. But, it is slow going, for ever 3 steps forward we take, we take 2 steps back...sometimes it gets so frustrating for both of us that we just want to give up, but luckily our tremendous love for each other keeps us together...but your idea does sound like the best plan, and yes, it will be hard on both of us, her for not having sex and thinking i dont love her as much, and me thinking she will just get it elsewhere....it is so confusing , doing the appropiate thing seems like an impossible goal....but thanks again for ur support.

[Pakistani]

love is really important to me

[Pakistani]

with out love, how can one live?

[vashti]

I don't believe in sex addiction. Why don't you just say she has a greater sex drive than you?

[mjfcap]

Vashti, I am sorry you dont believe in sex addiction. By definition it means; using sex for other reasons than pleasure...In this case, she uses it to measure love. ....I have to admit, I did have a laugh at your post, just because it is so far from the truth...thx for reading !!!!...or not.

[Yet another guy]

By definition it means; using sex for other reasons than pleasure...

Isn't that the definition of whoring?

[mjfcap]

i am pretty sure whoring has something to do with the gain of other things, like money, power, marriage, etc.....nothing to do with love

[Yet another guy]

Ah, so sex addiction is using sex of other reasons than pleasure and whoring is using sex to gain other things. So whoring is a subset of sex addiction. I suppose that makes sense.

[mjfcap]

I do suppose you have a point. I do also believe whoring denotes multiple partners also...correct?.....I am no expert in this matter, but that is why I am here......btw, this thing that she suffers from comes from dealing with a childhood rape, I think whoring is on the other side of the spectrum, would u agree?

[Yet another guy]

Certainly. If whoring is a subset, it means that not all sex addicts are whores. Sorry for going a bit off topic. I was just a bit confused by your definition of sex addiction at that moment.

[vashti]

Isn't that the definition of whoring?

Yes. Sex "addiction" is nothing more than poor decision making and lack of impulse control. Of course, I suppose it allows one an excuse to misbehave when they can call it a "disease".

[DoesntMatter]

People in love generally have sex unless one is handicapped