Wants me, but wants space

[Cerby]

Hey girls, I have a question about my relationship/ex-relationship. It might be a bit complicated.

I made a mistake of dating someone who had just come out of a rough relationship, but I have known her for years and thought it would work. She ended her relationship in December that was over a year long with a controlling boyfriend. She loved him and was hurt by it. In mid-January, we started hanging out and then dating, things went way too fast, but we slowed them down and made it until the end of March.

Throughout the relationship she always told me how she never got her single time and needs space from time to time. I tried my best to oblige, but because of our different work schedules, even though I thought she was getting the space she needed, it turns out she wasn't. We never had any fights, we got along awesome when we were together, and her parents liked me as an added bonus. We were pretty well matched, but due to the way things started, we might have been failing right out of the gate.

I called it off last Monday because things weren't going well, and it was 0 contact until Saturday.

On Saturday she called me because she wanted to hang out for a bit an watch the hockey game, and she was making cookies. I politely declined and told her it wasn't a good idea right now. She replied with "I hope things work out with us soon". We hadn't talked in 4 days, so I thought it might be awkward.

Sunday we agreed to meet for coffee to exchange belongings and chit chat. This is where things started to get confusing. She told me she was sorry that it is going this way, that she still wants to be with me more than anything, but that I just need to give her time to be alone for now, spend time with friends, family, and her new puppy. I asked her if she was talking to her ex again, and she told me she hadn't spoken to him in over 6 weeks and he had nothing to do with this. The conversation went for almost an hour, she cried a little bit, and told me that all I need to do is be patient, give her time, and I am the guy she wants to be with.

After the conversation and things levelled out, she invited me over for a bit, I declined but she insisted I come and see the puppy as I might not see it again for a while, or ever. I could see the ploy that she just wanted to hang out for a bit, so I bit on it. Went over to her place, didn't plan on staying at all, but watched a movie. During the movie she was trying to cuddle with me on the couch, which I somewhat resisted, but again, didn't completely resist. I decided that after the movie I needed to get going (just to get out of there) so I left. As I was leaving she hugged me, then kissed me a few times, and then walked me outside to my car.

On my way home, she sent me a text that said "I hope I didn't lead you on or confuse you, I enjoyed talking to you and being with you again, it was nice. I didn't feel any stress at all after we talked". And that was it. I responded by telling her to take her time and contact me later. Monday night she texted the usual "How are you?" junk, I thanked her for the previous night and told her that with time and space we might work out after all, but other than that the conversation didn't amount to much.

Its Thursday and I haven't heard from her since.

From a girls perspective, is she confused, playing games, or just being wishy washy? Any help is good.

[MerryH]

From a girls perspective, is she confused, playing games, or just being wishy washy?

I don't know. But I always think it's unfair to tell someone you need "space" or "time" or whatever. It's just kind of selfish. Like they want to be single and do single-type things, but they also want you to be there whenever they feel like having someone love on them. And then when they're tired of doing the single thing, they'll go, "Oh, alright. Let's have a relationship now."

But I'm confused because you said you broke up with her. Then when you meet to give each other your things back, she's giving you the "Please give me time" speech? This doesn't make any sense. You must be leaving out a lot of pertinent details. Or she's crazy.

[Cerby]

Nope, no pertinent details - I broke it off with her because she was being very flimsy with plan making and always talking about "space", at coffee she was the one the brought up keeping the relationship alive, but I just need to be patient and I'm the one for her blah blah, I just stupidly played into her conversation.

I am treating it like a break up, but I want to figure out what is going through her head.

[SapphireBerry]

It's not very fair on you, I think she should hang out with you and show affection when she's made her mind up.
I think she's confused but you need to tell her how you feel about all this, tell her to stop giving you mixed signals
because its not nice to kiss you then turn around and say 'I need space'. I would just give her the space she wants
and see how it goes, girls can give serious confusing signals but I don't wanna say she's not into you anymore and leading
you on because I may be wrong. I just hope this works out for you, I'd just decline her next invite to hang out if it's anytime
soon and if she gets all moody then you can tell her how you feel, though it's always better in person anyway.

[Cerby]

She actually called and asked last night (to make it completely clear, I did not initiate contact), and I agreed to another brief Sunday visit to do just this. Lay it down and sort it out. I don't want to feel dragged along anymore, so this will be my chance to clear the situation up and get out.

I just need to make sure I'm completely clear on the fact she confused me and that I need to know exactly what is going on.

[SapphireBerry]

You do need to know exactly what is going on, otherwise you're gonna be the one on the unfair end and still being strung along

[spiritofjosh]

I don't want to sound judgmental to females but this sounds typical. I say this because I've seen it happen with dozens of girls, either to me or friends. She's playing games with you. She jumped from her ex to you, then got all flaky. Why? Because she's not over her ex and is using you hoping that you'll help her get over him. That's a rebound. She may like you, I don't doubt that, but there's still the lingering feelings of her ex that distract her from you, like being difficult making plans etc. The attention she's giving you is because you broke it off so now she's dealing with two broken relationships, so she'll work with you more because you're more recent. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing her because she's doing what most people do in the situation, men and women, but you have to let her know what you're saying on here.

[Cerby]

I don't want to sound judgmental to females but this sounds typical. I say this because I've seen it happen with dozens of girls, either to me or friends. She's playing games with you. She jumped from her ex to you, then got all flaky. Why? Because she's not over her ex and is using you hoping that you'll help her get over him. That's a rebound. She may like you, I don't doubt that, but there's still the lingering feelings of her ex that distract her from you, like being difficult making plans etc. The attention she's giving you is because you broke it off so now she's dealing with two broken relationships, so she'll work with you more because you're more recent. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing her because she's doing what most people do in the situation, men and women, but you have to let her know what you're saying on here.

This post was actually quite useful.

We hung out the last two days, and all cards were played. She was very clear that she wants to continue in a relationship, just a little more space and time is required before she wants to take it to the next level, we're still going to continue on together, no break, no break up, just pacing.

That said, it feels like we're starting over in a sense, physically and emotionally it almost seems like a reset, so now the question is. . .Do I have the patience to wait for her to get back on board?

I guess time will tell. . .