Guys who lack skill

[ShellyZ]

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I'm starting to get tired of guys who lack skill in the physical intimacy department. I'm not even talking about sex, but all the other stuff leading up to it. In my earlier relationships, I was more understanding because I was younger and so were the guys I dated. I thought "Well, he's only 20, it's OK if he doesn't really know how to kiss yet" or "He obviously hasn't had too much experience, but that's OK, he's only 22..." etc (although to be honest, I think early twenties is too old to not know how to kiss). And these guys were not totally inexperienced, they'd had relationships before, they weren't virgins, it just seemed that they hadn't learned from their experience.

But I'm 25 now and I really feel that guys should know the basics by this age. I know what I'm doing, not because I've had a ton of experience, just because I have common sense and most of it seems obvious to me. I know people can get better with practice, but it really puts a damper on things when I have to "train" the guy (I know how to do it without saying a word, so no one's feelings get hurt, but still). I hate to compare, but it was a lot more enjoyable to be in a relationship with a guy who knew what he was doing and didn't need me to teach him. I don't like taking control, that's not enjoyable for me, and it makes things really awkward.

What am I supposed to do about a guy who's great in every other way, but acts like a teenager when it comes to the physical stuff? It's not easy for me to find someone where there's mutual attraction and chemistry, so it's not really as simple as finding someone else. And, is this a common problem? Do most guys in their mid-twenties lack skill, despite having enough experience?

[Looq]

Don't know what to tell you. If you like the guy in all the other ways, your just gonna have to live with it (or "train" him).

Nerves can be a factor though, if a girl is particularly good looking, sexual, experienced, independent, assertive or aggressive (or any combination thereof), some guys can get nervous. Nervous guys don't always perform well. You just have to wait for them to become more comfortable.

Alternatively maybe it's you. Maybe without realising it you have high standards. Maybe you're much better than most your age and expect the same level of skill from them? Also don't forget numbers vs. time. A person who has been in longer relationships but with few partners is likely to have more sexual experience than someone who has had many partners but shorter relationships. Longer relationships tend to see people experiment more too. Maybe that applies here?

Without knowing more, I don't know what else can be said. Hope at least some of this helped.

[Junket]

Tell them to use more skill.

[MetalPhoenix]

There are guys out there, 25 years old who never even have kissed...Let alone touched a girl..

If that's a deal-breaker I can understand...Could be you're eventually missing out on something, but hey...Win some, loose some

[ShellyZ]

Thanks for responding. Looq, I understand that nerves might have something to do with it. I don't think I'm an intimidating person for the most part. I'm not pretty enough to get guys all tongue-tied when talking to me (most people would describe me as cute) and I'm definitely not aggressive. I'm not passive either, but if the guy doesn't make the first move, nothing will ever happen. My standards aren't too high, lol. I've dated guys who know what they're doing, so I know they're out there. I'm not asking for a lot, but I do expect a 25-year-old guy to know what to do with his hands and lips when kissing a girl. You're right about longer/fewer relationships though.

MetalPhoenix, I understand that, but it doesn't really apply to my situation. I've always dated guys who were more experienced than me. I was not their first kiss! That's why I'm surprised (and a little annoyed) that some of them act like they've never done this before. Shouldn't someone who has dated before know that if you don't want to drool all over a girl's face, you might have to swallow periodically while kissing? I knew that before I had my first kiss; seems like common sense. And shouldn't a guy who's had sex with several people before know to use lube? Come on, guys watch enough porn, don't they?

[Looq]

Sounds like you just have bad luck.

[sadie_genie]

I don't understand how "skills" can be that important. I would be more concerned about how he treats you. If he is a sloppy kisser, than just tell or demonstrate to him how it can be done better.

[vashti]

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I'm starting to get tired of guys who lack skill in the physical intimacy department. I'm not even talking about sex, but all the other stuff leading up to it.

I worry about this too, but unlike you, I actually DO worry they won't have any bedroom skills. At my age, it seems that the good ones are taken, and all that are left are the dorks or the playboys who never want to grow up. Dorks probably lack experience, and playboys probably won't care enough to put forth any real effort.

I'm thinking at your age, it might be best for you to train them if they are good in every other way.

[Yet another guy]

Maybe you should start dating man sluts. They should know what they are doing.

[ShellyZ]

Looq, it would actually be comforting to think it's just bad luck. Maybe that means it's not universal for grown men to never learn these things? I also think personality has a lot to do with it. Guys who are very confident and self-assured tend to be better at physical intimacy, I guess because they're more laid-back. Seems like guys who are insecure are the ones who have trouble, not necessarily because they're nervous in the moment, just because they're awkward in general. Is it possible to have an awkward personality?

sadie_genie, I am concerned about how he treats me. That's the most important thing. If he didn't treat me well, then I wouldn't care how he kisses because I wouldn't be kissing him! But physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not enjoyable, that kinda puts a damper on things. To me, it's along the same lines as a 25-year-old who still lives at home with his parents, not because he doesn't have a job, but because he wants to spend his money on video games instead of paying bills. It's a sign of immaturity, and I'd like to be in an adult relationship.

vashti, I worry about the bedroom skills too, especially since I can't help but think if a guy doesn't know how to kiss, then he probably doesn't even know how to put a condom on. Or how to take one off (don't throw it on the floor, guys!). When it comes to physical intimacy, I have enough experience because I've had a few long-term relationships, but when it comes to sex, I have almost no experience. I've only had sex with one person and I was only with him for 5 months (luckily he was very experienced and knew exactly what he was doing so I didn't have to worry). So I've had sex probably 20 times in my life, which means I can't train the next guy if he's bad in bed. I know what I'm doing, but I can't teach him what he's supposed to do!

That was one of the good things about waiting until I was 24 to have sex (yeah I know, there are a few frustrated ex-boyfriends in my past); since I skipped the awkward teenage sex, my first time was awesome, and every time after that was too. I didn't make any of the classic virgin mistakes, just because I was older, so I knew better than to just lie there passively. I listen to people talk about their first time when they were 16 and for them the whole experience was terrible because neither of them knew what they were doing. I really don't want to have that experience now, in my mid-twenties.

[Queezy1993]

Lack of coordination skills perhaps? I really have no knowledge about this so I'm just throwing it out there. Friends of mine who are bad are usually bad at sports because of the lack of coordination they have. Might have nothing to do with it.. but perhaps you go for the type of guys who are skilled in something else but have bad coordination.

This came out as really stupid, whatever.

[eonbar]

you should come to europe
...but i know what you mean. chat to a girl for a couple hours then move in for a kiss to get a tongue shoved down your throat and you kinda wish like you hadn't bothered. frickin girls....

[sadie_genie]

sadie_genie, I am concerned about how he treats me. That's the most important thing. If he didn't treat me well, then I wouldn't care how he kisses because I wouldn't be kissing him! But physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not enjoyable, that kinda puts a damper on things. To me, it's along the same lines as a 25-year-old who still lives at home with his parents, not because he doesn't have a job, but because he wants to spend his money on video games instead of paying bills. It's a sign of immaturity, and I'd like to be in an adult relationship.

I don't know how the two cases correlates. But anyways, if you see it as a sign of immaturity than just don't date them. Leave them to gals who would appreciate them more. Thank-you.

[warriormaiden]

you should come to europe
...but i know what you mean. chat to a girl for a couple hours then move in for a kiss to get a tongue shoved down your throat and you kinda wish like you hadn't bothered. frickin girls....

LOL. I know right?
Horrible. Seriously kills the mood.

[MAXRacer]

LOL. I know right?
Horrible. Seriously kills the mood.

Are you a lesbian? Not that there is anything wrong with it.