How important should your significant other be to you?

[zaarch]

Hi,

First of all thanks to any one who takes the time to read this. Any opinions, suggestions or recommendations no matter how harsh are certainly welcome.

So here is the gist: My girl friend and I have been dating for almost two years. She is currently living with her parents. I live by myself. I understand that when she is living under her parents roof, she has got to live by their rules. I get that, I really do.

Now, most of the times that we do hang out, I later discover that she tells her parents that it was a group of her friends (myself included) who were hanging out as her parents don't like/approve of her and I spending too much time alone. Fine, I will even accept that.

However, lately, we have been hanging out less and less cause the more we try, the more her parents feel "uncomfortable". (My thinking - they are old fashioned, nothing too wrong with that, they will come around eventually)

Now, generally I put her and our relationship as top priority over most things. I dedicated a lot of my time and energy into this relationship, cause the simple fact is that relationship don't just magically work, you have got to work at it to make them work.

Now the question, Is it wrong of me to expect her to put me and our relationship on the top her list like I do. Amidst one of our recent heated debates over the "hanging out", she stated that us hanging out makes her parents uncomfortable and if she would have to choose between her parents wellbeing and peace of mind and me. She would pick her parents!!

I would never ask anyone to choose between their parents and myself. Thats a horrible choice to make.

However, I am beginning to realize that she will never be able to make herself or myself for that matter a priority as she is too scared to upset the precious balance/order of things that her parents have become accustomed to. And as I think more and more about this, I am not getting excited about spending the rest of my life living in the looming shadow of her parents.

I feel that when you are in a committed relationship, your significant other should be the most important person to you. In my case, I feel I will always be number 2.

Is it too much to ask to be treated as I treat her?

OR.

Am I being too demanding, unreasonable? Am I over-reacting?

End Note: If you have any wise words of worldly wisdom, please send them my way. I could really use them right about now.

[Cerby]

How old are you two? This is crucial information in this question for sure.

This is tough because you're trying to override her parents, which is much different than say a friend. I this case I think you need to accept what you have, at least she isn't putting another guy ahead of you. . .then you would have a legitmate concern.


I think a relationship should be a top priority, but as long as other priorities (friends, family) are also accounted in your life. But not everyone agrees. (ask one of my exes, we broke up over this issue, she simply saw friend as more important than a relationship, and it was the downfall of us)
Do your best to deal with it.

[98db]

Don't come between her and her parents. Any immediate benefits you might get will be short lived and she will resent you if her relationship with her parents is damaged. She has to figure this out on her own, and you need to figure out if you can accept the situation the way it is.

[steviej]

Is there no way of winning the parents over? They might be old fashioned but even they had 'courting' in their time!

[zaarch]

How old are you two? This is crucial information in this question for sure.

This is tough because you're trying to override her parents, which is much different than say a friend. I this case I think you need to accept what you have, at least she isn't putting another guy ahead of you. . .then you would have a legitmate concern.


I think a relationship should be a top priority, but as long as other priorities (friends, family) are also accounted in your life. But not everyone agrees. (ask one of my exes, we broke up over this issue, she simply saw friend as more important than a relationship, and it was the downfall of us)
Do your best to deal with it.

We are both 28.

I agree with you, overriding her parents is never a good idea. However, I don't know if this just a temporary issue or will I have accept this for the rest of my life. I am no Psychologist but this must control being exercised by parents must not be healthy on some level.

[Take2]

This is not ab out right and wrong, it is about family dyamics. Hers are FAR different fron yours, though neither is "wrong." Right now, her response is that you can adapt to her family's more traditional dynamics or shove off. Your response is that she can adjust to your more modern family dynamics or maybe you will just leave. Which is certainly one solution. The other option would be to discuss when you aren't upset, each tell what their ideal is and what they need and get from the way their system works, and see if you can find a happy compromise. But in the end, you may need to find a person whose family dynamics are more similar to your own.

[DarkHelmet82]

Why is she still living with her parents? Shes 28 and her parents have an issue with her dating? Something is wrong here...... With the economy I understand the need to live with parents.. but the fact that her parents have issues with her dating? Where are we, Colonial America living in the Bible Belt?

[robFord]

How far do you think you can go with this girl? Can you honestly see a future with her? If the answer is no then you need to re-think why you're in a relationship with her in the first place. No point pissing off her parents and damaging her relationship with them if you guys aren't serious.

You also have to take into account that she's 28 and still siding with her parents over you. I don'k know you or her, but don't most children side with their lovers instead of their parents? This is an indication to where her priorities are.

[zaarch]

Why is she still living with her parents? Shes 28 and her parents have an issue with her dating? Something is wrong here...... With the economy I understand the need to live with parents.. but the fact that her parents have issues with her dating? Where are we, Colonial America living in the Bible Belt?

Well she got laid off a while back. And her dad owns a small medium business which was also suffering, so she decided to help out her dad. To her credit, she did do a lot of work for him.

Now she is at a stage where she is comfortable with her "job". She can go to work at 10 or 12. Who is going to tell off the bosses daughter? No one. Meals at home (her mom is an awesome cook).

In the beginning it was a temporary issue, so I never bothered. Now it looks like she will never get a proper job. Thus she will most likely be living with her parents for a while. Which brings me to my current predicament.

Her parents were not too thrilled about her dating me, but they softened a little. However their major issue is with her spending time with me. As a result, every time we try to go out for a movie or dinner (just her and I), I hear some snide comment her mom made. They really don't care if its a huge group just as long as its not her and I alone.

And I keep asking myself, how long is this going to continue? I am would like date someone independent (she was very independent, living on her own before she got laid off, it was then that we started dating).

She is very nice, very lovely. There is a spark about her. The promise of a long lasting relationship was always there when we started. But almost two years later, she is exactly where she was when we started dating.

And I don't know if she will ever get her life back.

[confusius]

Very important! but you also need to give the person some space and respect their love ones.

[DarkHelmet82]

Living at home is one thing but the fact that her parents object to a grown woman dating is another.... thats what i meant by my colonial america comment... i mean seriously, its not like shes 18.. she will be 30 soon.. she needs to stop letting her parents control her or your relationship is never going to work

[girl68]

You're not wrong and she's not wrong. I simply believe there are 2 types of people. 1) people who put family before everything else, no matter what. and 2) people who put love before everything else. Neither is wrong, neither is right it just is what it is. Your gf is type 1, there is no changing her. She's made it very clear she's type 1 and told you so. Only bad things will happen if you try to change her, so you might as well not even try. You either accept it is what it is, and that her parents are and always will be number 1. You can be a close second but you won't be number 1. You on the other hand, like myself are type 2. If it came down to it I'd choose love, I'd put my own family (as in partner) over my parents. And one could never convince me to choose otherwise. So there is no changing either of you. Accept it or find personality type 2.