In a rut i cannot get out of.. :(

[JadenMia]

Hey everyone, some of you know my story for those who dont can look at my past threads.

Well, this weekend i was at a friends, i went there as a friend of mine was getting a tattoo and asked me to come along.. Well, we were there for a while and they asked us to have a drink with them and chill for a few hours. So we did, the drinks started flowing and i was having an awesome time.
At about 11pm my ex called one of the guys we were with and he must have told him i was there as my ex showed up not long after. I ignored him like i have been doing but it put me on a downer.. I should have just left but i felt like why should i let him ruin my night out. So i stayed and if i could turn back time i would.

As the time went on he started talking to me, hanging around me more and more and finally asked me to come talk for a second.. He started pouring all this BS about how hurt he was, how he wanted to take everything back he had done and still loved me and how he was going to show me how much he was sorry. Everything he said was so believable, i couldnt imagine he could stand there and bare face lie to me.. I love him so much i just couldnt accept he could lie to me.. Well he did.
We kissed, spoke all night, laughed and had such a great time. It brought back every good memory we ever had and i just felt so happy.. Iv felt so bad for such a long time it just seemed like i was on top of the world.
The next day was the same, he fed me all this bullsh*t and i just believed it all and i feel so stupid. As yesterday i called him and he acted cold with me, said he didnt have time to speak to me, said that he didnt want to see me and didnt know about his promises he made me..
I cried and cried and he just said i was acting crazy and not to talk to him until i calmed down.. So i spent all day yesterday and today just bawling my eyes out.. He ignored my calls and texts.. Didnt bother to see if i was okay.. Just a text this morning saying 'i love you babe xo'
He told me i couldnt go over to his place it wasnt a good time, as all his friends were there drinking and it was a boys night.. I feel so used.. Like im nothing, not worth anything.. Iv never felt this devastated in my life i just cant explain the pain im feeling its killing me

I was doing so well getting over him and now i have to start from scratch.. It feels like i cant even go out with my friends now as he will always be around and this is how easy i fall for his lies and promises. I have had suicidal thoughts all day and i cant get them or him out of my head.. I have never felt this low before and i feel like iv fallen and cannot pick myself up.
I keep going over and over thinking 'how coul he possibly be this harsh on me'..

Will someone please give me some advice, i really need to just speak to someone.. I feel i have nobody..
Please go easy on me..I know i have brought it on mysef with my own stupidity but I dont feel i can handle anymore harsh words today..Thankyou..

[BeingAlpha]

First of all - if you are having suicidal thoughts please call a suicide prevention line. I guarantee you this guy is not worth you taking your life over.

Second -- I will tell you what one of my friends told me - "It will be okay -- it doesn't seem like it now, but over time (a long time) the pain will subside." have faith in that. As for what your ex did, mine did the same thing to me -- she contacted me out of the blue after we had no spoken in months and told me she was hurting, how bad she felt etc.. I agreed to meet her and she cried the whole time. She didn't really say anything -- we ended up hooking up and I thought awesome we are getting back together...only to have her immediately turn and be gone again. Its miserable awful and wrong. What he did to you was completely selfish, HE felt bad (after breaking your heart) and decided HE could reach out - he didnt take into consideration what it would do to you. You are right to be upset but you have to now recognize that he doesn't love you enough to be with you or put you where you want to be on his priority list. I have a saying: the people that disappoint you will continue to disappoint you. It won't ever change.

Life isn't fair, I accept that. I accept that some people will coast through life and everything will be awesome for them without trouble or worry or anything -- they will have great jobs, have great relationships and take all of them for granted. I admittedly have taken a few of mine for granted and I have always been very succesful at all the things that I thought were important to me (job, school), but realized the only true thing I have always wanted to work (LOVE) has eluded me ... for now. I hold onto the idea that someday it will happen - that I will break out of my pattern of insecure, abusive, lost girls and find a sweet. caring, thoughtful girl who will make me happy.

Keep your head high, move on from this experience and recognize that he doesn't deserve you...and would make a terrible husband. Bad boyfriends turn into bad husbands - there isn't any other way to say it. You don't want to be with someone who is so freaking manipulative and egotistical that he would test the waters with you just to see if he COULD get you back... its a sign of true and utter selfishness. I am certain if you go through the rest of your relationship you could find at least 5 more examples of this. Ones you ignored or are burying because you are embarrassed that you accepted them. I have plenty.

[JadenMia]

Oh thankyou so much for your post, it made me feel so much better. I dont feel suicidal today, i dragged my ass to work today and felt better for it. I had a really good day so now im feeling some what 'sane' again..
I dont have any idea why i am SO attatched to him. But i really feel i lost a best friend/family member.. We were just so close it hurts. Well up until the end of our relationship at least..And yes there are SO many times in our relationship that we have gone through sh*t like this.. My problem is i hang on his every word and he knows it..
I always love to hear that things will be okay. Because i know they will, i know life will go on and i will eventually learn to be happy without him.. I mean.. I got this far in life without him right! Its sad.. but i guess its just life

He text me all day.. And i woke up to countless texts from him.. This been a little example of one;
'I am in love with you Jade, you are the most beautiful girl to me..im thinking about every part of you and i love it all so much.. Im so sorry babe, i didnt mean to hurt you.. I just keep thinking of when you were crying so hard and i cant get it out of my head it makes me so sad, im so so sorry xoxo'
Its these kind of texts that upset me.. If he really felt like this, why does he hurt me this way?? How could he possibly listen to me cry over the phone and ask him 'why and how' and then hang up and ignore me.. I just dont understand how he can do this to me.. I would do anything for this man and he keeps me hanging on like a string. I hate that i love him..

But i just told him i could never trust him again after yesterday and after what hes done.. I just cant bring myself to speak to him today.
Thankyou so much for your advice and experiences.. It helped me pull myself out of this hole i was in.

[BeingAlpha]

Good that you are feeling good today - you will feel bad tomorrow and great the next - I tell everyone on here this that with each new high comes a low but eventually the lows will get less low. You'll recover from this but please don't expect that one day you'll wake up and everything will be completely fine for no reason. Stay strong -- there are good people out there. I gotta believe that the ones who are on this site who have been completely neglected represent just a small percentage of the good people in the world. People that know better than to take love for granted...I just have to believe that.

You must maintain no contact -- in my mind its really unfair that he is texting you constantly -- it just seems like its all a trick....but I can't speak for him. I would look for something much more substantial before I ever would consider seeing him again...otherwise it would be highly short lived. My friend has a saying -- that she was living for the 2 minutes of happiness...and dealt with the days of sadness. Its a terrible feeling to not feel important....find someone who makes you feel important.

[JadenMia]

Good that you are feeling good today - you will feel bad tomorrow and great the next - I tell everyone on here this that with each new high comes a low but eventually the lows will get less low. You'll recover from this but please don't expect that one day you'll wake up and everything will be completely fine for no reason. Stay strong -- there are good people out there. I gotta believe that the ones who are on this site who have been completely neglected represent just a small percentage of the good people in the world. People that know better than to take love for granted...I just have to believe that.

You must maintain no contact -- in my mind its really unfair that he is texting you constantly -- it just seems like its all a trick....but I can't speak for him. I would look for something much more substantial before I ever would consider seeing him again...otherwise it would be highly short lived. My friend has a saying -- that she was living for the 2 minutes of happiness...and dealt with the days of sadness. Its a terrible feeling to not feel important....find someone who makes you feel important.

Yes, that is exactly what i have been experiencing for the past month or so when we split. I have been feeling crazy highs followed by crazy lows.. I hate how that works! I really struggle on these days, i feel like there is just isnt any getting over him and my 'high' was all an illusion and i was just trying to make myself believe that i was doing good, which then makes me feel even worse The feeling i seem to have to fight the most is the feeling that i am making a mistake.
I remember why i liked him in the first place, it was because he wasnt always trying to get girls, everyone told me he had never been the guy to constantly sleep with girls or had never even had a relationship before me. I felt like if he took a liking to me, it meant that it must mean something. Also the fact that he hasnt kissed or slept with anyone since we had first met. Its hard to come about a man that isnt always flirting, texting other women. I havnt been in a relationship other than him that i havnt been cheated on, so that adds to my feeling of wondering whether i made a mistake or not.. I am constantly wishing that i could turn back time before all this fighting happened, because we were perfect together. Always so in love, no control, no jealousy or disrespect. An incident happened last year and i feel although it was hurtful, i blew it out of proportion and should have handled it better then none of this wold have happened.. I cant stop thinking about how much i love who he is, yet our love got completely out of hand and caused us to act stupid.
All i wanted is for us to work and its killing me..
The thing i struggle with the most is the no contact. I just cant bring myself to completely ignore him. It terrifies me, the thought of not having anything to do with him scares the sh*t out of me, when i know deep down this has all gone way too far and we should move on for the sanity of us both. We just keep holding on to the illusion that we can work things out but then that image is completely out of reach.. Ugh i just dont know.. I have never loved anybody this much in my life. I truly thought he was the one, i just dont want anyone else. I dont know if what he does is because he thinks the same or because he just knows i feel this way.
He is constantly calling me or texting me and telling me how he feels and how he loves me.. And that whenever he does something to hurt me he doesnt mean to hurt me he just doesnt know how to react because of this big mess of a situation we are in. To hear him talk and tell me how he feels just kills me because he seems so truthful and sometimes makes me wonder why he would go to the lengths he does if he didnt mean it.. I just dont know.. I have never been at war with myself like this so much. It truly is a matter of wondering whether to follow my heart or my head.
My heart tells me he is the one, that i understand his emotions and actions as i feel the same, desperate way. Yet, my head tells me its not right and i could find a healthier relationship.. Yet i know i will never feel this way again.
Sometimes i wonder why i need him so much or why i bother staying with him when its this bad. Its almost like i am addicted to this hurt in some weird way. I cant find any other reason why i would stay, but yet its because the times we have together just seem to make sense and when im with him i am in complete bliss. Never been happier..

Im sorry, i just spilled my emotions and thoughts onto this post.. but i really just need to try and make sense of my f*cked up emotions right now.. They are killing me

[BeingAlpha]

Its okay -- we all go through this. You can not blame yourself for how this went down -- and even if you could -- you can't turn back the clock. The constant thoughts of if I had just said that or of I had said this - are not healthy nor helpful -- let it go. He definitely won't remember that specific incident anyhow -- he is basing his decision to be gone based upon the entire relationship....you can't change everything that happened...nor should you have to.

Right now the both of you need to clear your heads..you aren't thinking straight -- you won't be for a while. It takes time. The bar you are setting for someone who you should be with is WAY too low -- just the mere fact that he hasn't cheated on you doesn't make him the one. The person you marry should make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world and vice versa...sit tight you will find that person that recognizes that he has an amazing girl. Recognize when you do meet that great guy though -- you may take him for granted (its human nature to do so).