His best friend is a bad influence.

[dreamtiger]

Dear members,

I am in quite a pickle.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. I'm 29, and he's 33.
He recently had to move back into his grandmother's house because she past away and he needs to take care of his grandfather and settle his affairs. His best friend since childhood lives down the street.
His best friend and him have a long history of being bad influences on each other.
I found out my boyfriend was an addict 6 months after we started dating. Things got much worse when he would be around his best friend who is an alcoholic. Finally his friend went into rehab and so did my boyfriend.
My boyfriend has been sober for almost a year now. He's finishing school and getting his life on track. But now that he lives so close to his best friend, they are beginning to spend a lot of time together. The best friend is also sober, but is now more concentrated on "getting laid" than working the AA program. I already see my boyfriend acting differently in just the past few days.
I don't know if I'm overreacting because of all the things that happened in the past.
Should I trust my boyfriend to not fall back into the same old pattern with his friend?
Am I wrong in asking him to spend less time with him because he's been such a bad influence in the past? Also, his therapists in rehab said they shouldn't spend much time together since they are "triggers" for each other.
And lastly, the best friend is always around other girls since he's basically using the AA program to meet women, and since he's the one that drives to the meetings my boyfriend ends up going with him to dinner with these girls.

I don't know what to think.
Any help from this community is most welcome, please.

[smackie9]

Oh girl it's time to lay down the law. There is more than one place for those meetings....in fact they are everywhere and are going on 24-7 so he doesn't have to go with his friend. You can offer to go with him to those meetings, for they are open to partners, family and spouses too. He should have a sponsor so try and find out if he has one and contact them and tell them what's been going on. You need to be VERY aggressive and proactive.

[smackie9]

And hun you are not over reacting.....any addiction is a life long struggle.....his problem will be there forever. The more involved you are the better your relationship will be. But I'm just wondering if you have left it too long. You must make it very real to him if he doesn't make these changes you will have no choice but to end it.

[Marcconi]

I think you're over reacting about it. You two should talk, and I mean talk seriously, but don't push him to stop hanging out with his best friend, okay?

[smackie9]

I think you're over reacting about it. You two should talk, and I mean talk seriously, but don't push him to stop hanging out with his best friend, okay?

Sorry but this issue isn't typical.....it involves addiction. Hanging out with someone that is an addict too, as she said, "triggers" someone to use again and yes that is very true. She has every right to be very concerned. She also noted behavioural changes.....that's a warning that cannot be ignored. I am all too familiar with alcoholism, and drug addiction for I grew up with it. This is the real deal. You cannot be with other addicts if you want to stay clean. It's all too easy to fall into bad habits again.......

[ItsShane]

[QUOTE=smackie9;696225]You cannot be with other addicts if you want to stay clean. It's all too easy to fall into bad habits again./QUOTE]

Exactly.


So if you're boyfriend was influenced by his friend to drink, he may be also influenced to "get laid" as well. BUT, if you trust him 100%, you should let him continue to hang out with his friend. It's never a good thing for a girlfriend to get in the way of a friendship that has lasted since before you two were even together, unless you believe 100% that he will be influenced enought to cheat on you.

[smackie9]

[QUOTE=ItsShane;696292]

You cannot be with other addicts if you want to stay clean. It's all too easy to fall into bad habits again./QUOTE]

Exactly.


So if you're boyfriend was influenced by his friend to drink, he may be also influenced to "get laid" as well. BUT, if you trust him 100%, you should let him continue to hang out with his friend. It's never a good thing for a girlfriend to get in the way of a friendship that has lasted since before you two were even together, unless you believe 100% that he will be influenced enought to cheat on you.

I do belive she is concerned more about him being addicted again....this has nothing to do with cheating. It takes almost nothing to fall off the wagon and get back into bad decision making.

[smackie9]

If an addict doesn't get the proper support and involvement with their loved ones, they will become addicted again. Like I said before, I have see my family members and close friends struggle greatly with addiction. Those triggers are very real. So I can see her concern. I'm telling her to get more invloved with him and his treatment. Those meetings are open to everyone addicted or not. She has seen his behaviour dramatically change....that's a tell tale sign he is slipping and a cause to be concerned. This all has to start with good communication and involvment......she can make her plan of action from there.


And ya basically you cannot trust an addict nor can they even trust themselves.......it's not that easy being or living with an addict...

[IndigoGal]

Trying to get him to stop seeing his friend might end up backfiring on you. However, sitting down with him and expressing your concern that this friend is a trigger and you don't want to see all his hard work crumble couldn't hurt the situation. I agree that you should offer to go to meetings with him. Offer to help him in any way you can. If he's just lost his grandma and had to uproot his life and take on a bunch of challenges, there are a lot of factors here that raise stress levels and can make backsliding more attractive. Factor in the friend and it really is a risky situation.

Can you sit down and talk to him about all these factors, tell him you're concerned and want to be able to help however you can, and ask what you can do to make his situation better?

[Leo Lamaze]

Of course your boyfriend should not be hanging out with his friend under those circumstances. If his friend was a former addict, who otherwise sounded like a reasonable person, then there is a chance they could even benefit from each other's company under the right circumstances. But his friend sounds rather reckless and like he indeed is bad influence. However, "laying down the law" WILL backfire. He just lost his grandmother and is in a very vulnerable place, which is probably why he is doing all this in the first place. If you go ultimatum-style on him, he will push you further away. Of course this is all your boyfriends responsibility, and in a perfect world he would do what's right. But he is in a vulnerable place, so go about your worries in a sensitive manner. Be up front, sensitive and friendly about what worries you, and let him know that you'd trust him if it wasn't for the fact that he's a former addict. At the same time, let him know that you trust him completely when it comes to the "other girls". Unless he has cheated on you before, you have no reason to distrust him in this regard. Use this as a way of "making up" for the trust that he might think you're not showing him in relation to the alcohol problem.

Also, you need to let him know that as long as he is sober, you will be there for him 100%, that is; going to meetings with him, holding him when he is crying, staying up late and talking about whatever he wants, going out to non-alcohol serving places fr dinner with him, and whatever it takes for him to stay off the booze. However, he also needs to be told, in a friendly but firm manner, that if he EVER gets drunk, just once, then it is over for all time and eternity!