want some male perspective

[twinflame]

Hi everybody, I would like to hear some male opinion on this...

So this is the story...

4 years ago, in college, me and this guy dated for 4-5 months. Things where going well but he broke up the relationship and I never knew why. I came back to my home country and for 2 years we barely had any contact. Recently I went back to the US for a couple weeks and we met. During the few hours that we spent together we realized that all that was there is still there. He tells me that back then, he broke up cuz he assumed I would be going back to my home country, he felt like he was investing time in something that didnt have a future. He said he regrets making that decision and that he wonders what could have happened if we hadn't broken up.

BUT he is in a relationship although he couldn't tell me whether he is in love or not with this girl (so I assume he's not). I made it clear that I was ready to move back to the US if there was a chance for us to be together. All he worried about is that whatever decision he would make, he would end up hurting someone. And... I was the one he chose to hurt lol. He said he couldn't break up with his gf just to hope something good could happen btw us.

Again, we lost contact for a couple months until a couple weeks ago. We are talking again and every time its great. He told me he still thinks about what happened and that he doesnt think things are over btw us, that he knows we could have something BUT he is in a relationship... And after more than a year of dating his gf he is still not sure if he is in love or not!

He knows I am in love with him and that I will be moving to his city in a few months. Knowing this, he has to be aware of my motivations and if he's not... well then he is very naive. I feel like he is playing safe here, he's not closing any doors but he's not taking risks either...So I'm being a fool here?

I just want to hear what you think.

thank you all

[2moraNeverKnows]

He's not in love with his gf. After a year you know one way or the other, "I don't know" guaranteed, definitely, 100% means NO in this scenario.
Your exactly right when saying "he's not closing any doors but he's not taking risks either". He's not willing to give up on the comfort zone of being with someone he likes, for the uncertainty involved with starting a fresh with someone, you, who he could/does love. you need to find out why his insecurities are there & whether he thinks you are worth the risk.. surely it can;t be that daunting if he knows you love him?

[twinflame]

thank you for your reply, so I guess I'm not crazy then lol I agree with you, if you love someone you dont have to think about the answer, its a "YES" right away...so you think I should insist and make him those questions?

[Leo Lamaze]

It does not matter whether this guy is in love with his girlfriend or not. If it was you he wanted, he would have ended it with her right away and invested his emotions in you. He is an asshole. He is holding on to his girlfriend, while checking you out to see if you are "new girlfriend"-material. Then, if it doesn't work out between you two, he can charm his way back to his present girlfriend. From what you write, my only advice can be: DON'T MOVE TO THE STATES BECAUSE OF HIM!!! If he is interested in you he will break up with his girlfriend and start a serious long-distance relationship with you. I had a long-distance relationship with my wife for years before I decided to move to where she is. If she had had a boyfriend while trying to chat me up simultaneously...!?! No f***ing way. You just don't do something like that to someone. The boy you are in love with is selfish enough to have YOU travel to where HE is, while simultaneously being with some other woman, that he may or may not love depending on where you two are going.

Ask him straight out what he wants. If it's you that he wants, he needs to commit, which means breaking it off with his current girlfriend and then invest a couple of years doing long-term loving, which then may or may not work out. These are the risks and responsibilities one takes with love. He needs to own up and stop being a coward.

[jb1111983]

I agree with Leo. If he wants you he'll make it very clear to you in words and actions. It seems to me he does like you but not enough to leave his gf for. Trust me you don't want to be with a man who waits for you to make the first move.

[2moraNeverKnows]

yeah I think you need to find out what's going on in his head before committing to moving to the US for him. Imagine investing your emotions, time, quitting a job/money etc, only for things to not go according to plan when over there. You'll have put so much more in / taken all the chances and he stands to lose little (you aside of course) as is keeping the current GF waiting in reserve.

Would you be moving to the US just for him if you went? You could always go for other reasons if you've always fancied it.. & if things work out then great, if not.. you have so much more going on & not everything rests on this guy. I agree with Leo when he says the fella needs to man up some & make a decision.

[vashti]

BUT he is in a relationship although he couldn't tell me whether he is in love or not with this girl (so I assume he's not). [...] And... I was the one he chose to hurt lol.

He obviously cares more about her than you, and he may even love her, but does't want to tell you, in case you might be willing to be his girl-on-the-side.

So I'm being a fool here?

Yes.

[twinflame]

yeah I think you need to find out what's going on in his head before committing to moving to the US for him. Imagine investing your emotions, time, quitting a job/money etc, only for things to not go according to plan when over there. You'll have put so much more in / taken all the chances and he stands to lose little (you aside of course) as is keeping the current GF waiting in reserve.

Would you be moving to the US just for him if you went? You could always go for other reasons if you've always fancied it.. & if things work out then great, if not.. you have so much more going on & not everything rests on this guy. I agree with Leo when he says the fella needs to man up some & make a decision.

I won't be moving there for him, I mean of course he is a motivation but its no the only one. I love the place and I've been thinking of moving somewhere for a while anyways, he's just given me the last push I guess. Plus I've got a job sorted out already and a place to live and I have friends there so its not like I'm leaving everything behind for him. I know I wont regret doing this even if things dont work out with him

[smackie9]

Just to put it out there...I feel sorry for his GF. You may think she's lucky because she has him but think about standing in her shoes for a sec. What if he did choose you instead, and you are all happy in love. Then 6 months later he tells you he's off to his cousins place to watch a game for the night, but instead he is actually meeting up with his ex and tell her he's not even sure he's in love with you and maybe things are not over between them. Then over the next few months he's meeting up and having a great time with her behind your back........that's the kind of guy he is.