I have so many unanswered questions... my heart is in shambles.

[inpieces]

So I've never really posted on a forum before. But I am feeling so lost and so very sad. I am ashamed of how I'm feeling, honestly. I am a psych student and I work in an inpatient mental health hospital--I'm in school to become a doctor. So I feel like I should be able to take my own advice... and deep down I know I should just leave...

Anyway... I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We have lived together for 4 1/2 of those years. I knew I loved him after maybe 2 months of dating him. I ignored a lot of red flags as a result... for example, he went on vacation after we had been together for about 4 months and called to tell me he couldn't wait to see me when he got home. We made plans for when he'd get home and I went out and got tons of ingredients to make a nice dinner and even spent about $60 on lingerie (I was so excited to see him). But he called about an hour before he was suppose to come over to tell me he was going out with his friends and he'd be over a little later. He never showed up. I laid awake crying that night wondering what was going on and why he didn't even have the decency to call after I had gone through the trouble of making dinner. The next day he posted pictures of himself and a girl pretty much all over each other. He told me he got drunk and passed out and that's why he never called.

Flash forward a bit. It took him 10 months to tell me he loved me. And he only did it because one of his friends was talking to me and he was jealous for one reason or another. We were living together by that point and I had made a habit of working and going to school and still coming home after a long day and cooking and cleaning... I also did all grocery shopping. My whole world revolved around what I could do to make him happy. But I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. He never talked about a future with me. Finally, after about 3 years, I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years. He is a "professional wrestler" and he told me he saw himself wrestling in the WWE. When I asked him where that left me he said, "you'll be there." That didn't really answer my question. So finally I was more forward and asked him if he wanted to marry me. He told me that one day he might but that he didn't know when that would be... and the words that still stab like daggers were next... he said, "I could die before I'm ready." I was devastated that he could coldly just tell me that. I just broke down and started crying and he didn't even try to console me. I became really distraught and depressed. I would cry daily and I had a really difficult time keeping up with everything. Finally one day I asked him why he never tried to comfort me and he told me that he just wasn't going to lie to me or tell me what I wanted to hear. I left that day and went to my parent's. I also found out once I was gone that he had been cheating on me for several months with a 19-year-old (he was 27 at the time).

After living away from him for several months he came back to me on his hands and knees crying. He told me how much of an idiot he had been and that he knew I would be the best wife and mother and he wanted me to be his wife. He told me he would never stop trying to prove to me how much he wanted that with me. Well... here we are 2 years later and he still doesn't want to even be so much as engaged. I just don't understand. I feel so inadequate and unappreciated. He just keeps telling me the same thing he did 2 years ago when he left. He says that he doesn't know when he'll be ready. He keeps telling me that things just aren't perfect enough. Last October he told me when I confronted him that it wouldn't even be 2 months. He even laughed at me and told me I was silly to think that I was his "forever girlfriend". Now he's telling me he has lied to me every time he has ever made one of those promises, that he HAD to tell me those things to "keep me". I just don't even know what to do. I had so many feelings: pain, anger, confusion, sadness. I feel like I must not deserve to be loved in that way... like I'm not good enough.

I also know that he's told his friends that I'm "crazy" for wanting to get married and that they've joked about him kicking me out. That's another thing... he bought the house we are now living in a year ago. I didn't sign the mortgage because we aren't engaged. So I have no rights at all to this house even though I've contributed financially and I have helped to maintain it. He just acts like I have no reason to feel like this and when I try to talk to him about it he just shuts down. He says it's because I told him that I was looking at apartments and condos--which is true--but I don't understand why he thinks that's so terrible especially if he's been talking about kicking me out.

I probably typed too much... probably more than anyone cares to read. I just need some help. I feel horrible. I feel invisible, like I'm nothing and like I'm worthless. Why would he have come back after I left the first time and lied?? Why would he sting me along for 2 more years when he KNEW what I needed and wanted. I'm so hurt and angry. I know if I leave it won't bother him and he'll probably just find some other girl to move in here. I feel like everything I've done for 5 years doesn't matter. I just want to know why??? When I ask him he won't answer me. But I really just need to know why and how he could do this to me. Why doesn't he want to take the next step with me? I feel so pathetic coming on here and saying all of this... but I don't know where else to turn...

[lostnconfused22]

Reading your post has really stuck a chord with me. I feel sorry for you that he would be so heartless to think of himself like that for so long and string you along. Even though he knew you werent happy. I see myself very similar to you as I am the type of girlfriend who would do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking or whatever else I could think of to keep my bf happy fishing whatever. Without asking for a whole lot in return as well. I think its time you start standing up for yourself more. Unfortunately you cant change the past or no matter how much you try you wont be able to change him. Youve been with him for five years now. We can obviously see that. You deserve so much better then that hun! And there are plenty more men out there that actually care about what you need and will want to give you that. Even if you stay single im sure youll be a hell of alot happier!! You can be selfish then and do whatever you want when you want then I would leave him asap! If he tries to contact you ignore it. Cut all contact with him!! Figure out what you want from life and strive towards that. Good luck. Things can only get better from here!! =)

[pisces25]

It is a no-brainer. Leave him. Stop asking 'why' as that is a question that can never be answered. Don't feel the last 5 years have been a waste, in fact don't even think about the past. It is not relevant to right now. Making this moment right now as beautiful as you can is the best possible thing you can do for your future. You are not happy, he is causing you great suffering and you really need to free yourself from that. Be on your own, get your life back, get your self-esteem back and let him choose someone else to treat like crap. You will only have yourself to blame if you stay in a situation that is causing so much angst. You do have a choice, being with him is not forced upon you. Have the courage to let go of him and this toxic relationship.You do deserve more, but you will only realise this when you start truly believing it.

[yomanj]

It could be worse... He could be asking for $7000 to leave too.

[EnjoyingLife]

I'm really sorry he has put you through this! He is being very selfish making sure his needs are met while ignoring yours and how distraught you are! I agree with the other posters. I think you should leave, as he is making you unhappy and no man that loves you would continually ignore your needs like this. Leaving will be hard but can you imagine if you stay with him? This lying will probably go on forever. It sounds like there is no hope of marriage in your relationship (sorry). At least if you're single you will have hope in meeting someone that truly loves you and will marry you. Staying in the relationship makes you stuck and no hope of meeting somebody else. I hope you have the strength to value yourself, that you deserve someone that treats you with love and respect and leave this man. Good luck.

[sadie_genie]

Wow. You have really bad judgment. Your emotions have just completely overwhelmed your reasoning. Leave him before your ovaries becomes hard and dry. Many women goes into relationships thinking they can change a man and they hold on because of all they have already wasted on him. But you have to know this will go nowhere.

[inpieces]

@sadie_genie: Wow. You're very rude. I'm not asking to be judged here... I know I've made a mistake by being with him. But when someone is telling you what you need to hear and doing JUST enough and you honestly do love them--it's hard to just throw everything you've put into it away. I KNOW I SHOULD LEAVE!! I think I said that 2 or 3 times in my post? I've even been apartment/condo hunting. So I know that. And I'm working on that. But what I am wanting to know is HOW could someone be so heartless as he has been? How can a man sit there and tell a woman who has loved him so and devoted so much of herself to him and LIE and keep her holding on by a thread? That's what I want to know. I don't understand that. I don't understand how he can say he loves me yet he can sit there and watch me cry and not even so much as touch my hand and tell me he's sorry for putting me through this and hurting me. It's as though he feels like he owes me nothing. No apology, no empathy. And I feel like I deserve some answers after all of this time I've given him, all the things I've forgiven him for, all of the things I've done to help him better himself, just everything I've done... it's like he doesn't appreciate or care. And I don't understand that. I just don't.

[pisces25]

It is his true colours. He is heartless and only cares about himself. I know you want to hear sorry from him and have empathy from him but at the end of the day does it really matter? Is it going to change anything? If anything it will make you question whether you want to leave him or not as you will start thinking 'aww he does care, maybe he isn't so bad after all and we can make this work?'. Not going to happen. It is a blessing he is being such a heartless wanker because it reaffirms how much you don't need him. Try and stop wondering why and understanding his motives, it is futile and is not going to make moving on easier. Express your anger in other ways. Write it down, go do some kickboxing, talk to friends, whatever. But stop trying to get something from him he can't give you otherwise you will just remain disappointed. How this situation happened is not important, it is what you do with it that is.