Do people ever change??

[hope555]

Hi all!
I just have this persistent thought in my head that I just wanted to get out there. My ex and I broke up 6 months ago and now I find him dating someone else. She's a lot younger than me and him..about 6 yrs younger than him and 5 yrs younger than me. She seems to like partying and drinking, and he never touches alcohol. But they seem to have the same sense of humour and she's very pretty. Anyway, I have this feeling that he's treating this new gf a lot better than he treated me. He seems to put up a "couple" pic on his facebook, and introduced her to his family. That makes a part of me very sad. But then I remind myself of who my ex really was to me. He was self-centred, and never liked to make me feel special. He hated relationship talks and always seemed to avoid any real conversation. He was rare on the physical affection and even more on verbal affection. He was superficial and narcisstic. He only enjoyed doing things he liked, and rarely tried to share my interests. And there's so much more to the list.

I will NEVER EVER think about trying to get him back. But, out of curiousity and learning experience, do you think he has changed for his new gf? Do you think he likes to make her feel special and loves to hug and kiss her? Are people basically who they are, or do they alter significantly between relationships depending on their partner? Are some girls ok with being treated this way and actually happy with it? Is he really capable of truly loving someone, or is he too much in love with himself to do that?

I donno, but these thoughts have been bothering me and interfering with my work sometimes. Thought if I write it down here and hear some opnions, I will know how to let these thoughts go once and for all Thanks!

-Hope

[DarkHelmet82]

I think he is self conscious and cares what other people think.. hence the "trophy girlfriend." Rich men and athletes do this all the time.. They marry these really hot young women who are way out of their leauge and are just no good because they either just want their money or have nothing in common with them. People can change yes.. but they have to want too, I would say 90% of the time people do not change.. because people are who they are.

[Cinnabella]

Ppl don't change in natural way but in purpose and if they try- maybe. That sound sad, just try to get over it and find yourself a better man than he is. Maybe he is in the Honeymoon stage.

Be fair to yourself, he doesn't seem to hung up like you still do, get another man and prove that he is a looser.

[hope555]

That's so true dark helmet!! He has the exact same attitude as "rich athleres"...he always talks about getting frustrated with school because he's not earning money yet, and he works out 2 hrs per day to get a perfect body. He hated when I looked anything but perfect. The sad part is he still texted me while he has this new girl. His texts always go back to the same thing. We're both in grad school finishing our phds...so he always tells me he's confused about what he wants to do after we finish, and he asks me if he's making a bad career move by staying in academia..or if he should try something else..same old. I guess the young new gf is a way for him to avoid his confusing future and have some fun without getting into a serious relationship. I know he used to feel that things with us were getting too serious. Or I could be wrong. I honestly can't see how a 20 year old can put up with all his uncaring ways, when I had all the love and patience and maturity in the world..and still couldn't do it. Anyway, either way, the bottom line is that people basically stay the same. They just find someone compatible with their flaws...and maybe he's found that

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

they change for the better/adapt to new situation but rarely

[leoben]

I think people have different dynamics with each partner. He might not think this girl will let him get away with such bad behavior so he acts differently.

Are you wondering if he will be a changed man and treat you differently if you do get back together? The answer to that is probably no. Already set in place dynamics between people rarely change, and if they do it's only with a lot of work and usually some kind of therapy.

[hope555]

Thats very interesting. What do you mean by "he acts differently"? Is that still his true self, or a self he tries to portray to win her over, until he realizes he has her, and reverts back to his usual behaviour? I only ask because I'm curious about human nature. I do not plan on ever getting back together with him..even if he pleads and begs..which he never will, because it's easier for him to forget and move on no matter who the girl is. Maybe 4 or 5 years from now, if we got together, things would be different, because I would be less naive, and less willing to accept jerky behaviour. But hopefully by then I'll be settled into a happy, functional relationship and have forgotten all about him.

[leoben]

Thats very interesting. What do you mean by "he acts differently"? Is that still his true self, or a self he tries to portray to win her over, until he realizes he has her, and reverts back to his usual behaviour? I only ask because I'm curious about human nature. I do not plan on ever getting back together with him..even if he pleads and begs..which he never will, because it's easier for him to forget and move on no matter who the girl is. Maybe 4 or 5 years from now, if we got together, things would be different, because I would be less naive, and less willing to accept jerky behaviour. But hopefully by then I'll be settled into a happy, functional relationship and have forgotten all about him.

True selves are hard to pin down. Most people have many different faces they can show based on what the situation calls for. Your ex seems to have the ability to treat a woman well, but for some reason he didn't feel the need to show you that side. I'm guessing since you were so patient and understanding he didn't feel the need to work that hard. Or maybe he didn't feel you were right for him and wanted to drive you away. For whatever reason you got the jerk face.

Will he revert back to the guy you know eventually with this girl? It's hard to say, he might if he gets comfortable enough to think he can get away with it. Since she's so much younger then him he probably feels the need to be on his best behavior to keep her. For now at least

We are all in love with ourselves. To think otherwise if just hubris.