Torn between my ex and a different guy

[starbaby15]

I am at a really weird point and could use some advice. I am torn between my ex boyfriend and another guy. I dated my ex for 3.5 years. We were on and off for the past year, so during the "off" times is when I met and started hanging out with the other guy. So at this point I have been seeing the second guy on and off for a year, but quite extensively over the past 2 months, because 2 months ago is the last time my ex and I broke up. This is my problem: I can't stop thinking about my ex (I'll call him Alex). We had a turbulent relationship, but I have also never had so much fun with someone I dated in my entire life. I have never been so physically and sexually attracted to anyone I ever dated either.But he didn't always treat me the best, and we had money issues, lying, etc.. The other guy, I'll call him Pat, is what should be my dream guy. He is tall, handsome (not as physically attractive as my ex, but handsome), successful, witty, funny and treats me like an absolute queen, and loves me greatly. He is what I thought I always wanted, but for some reason I haven't fallen in love with him and am still in love with my ex. Why is this? My ex and I are still talking and are contemplating getting back together but I'm scared that I am passing up someone who may be better for me. But whenever I am with Pat, I think about Alex and how much more exciting our relationship was and how we were always laughing and goofing off. (We are both 30 btw). Pat is 5 years older and more mature and very professional (he is a doctor), and we have laughs but not like Alex and I do. And I'll be honest, even though it's super shallow, the fact that Pat is less attractive than Alex, bothers me a bit. Along with the fact that Pat snores and I am a light sleeper, so that's hard to deal with sometimes. Despite all of this, there are moments when I feel myself falling for Pat, but it's like something in my brain puts the brakes on for some reason! And whenever I hear that Alex is talking to another girl, I get insanely jealous and feel like I want him back. (Alex and I talk every day still) Can anyone help me sort these jumbled feelings? Should I give Alex another chance or continue to see Pat and see what happens? Sorry this is long....my mind is a mess. Ask for any other details you may need.

[Cerby]

I feel bad for Pat.

This guy clearly is into you, and you are putting on the relationship face even though you're not 100% in it. Does Pat know you speak to Alex every day? I think you should do the respectable thing and leave one or the other in the dust. You can't carry on the way you have been, and you need to pick one guy, or the other. Pat is being dragged along believing that he too probably has met the girl of his dreams, not knowing that this girl is seriously not over her ex.

I was that guy once a few years ago, dated a girl who wasn't 100% into the relationship, I knew she was attracted to me, but something was holding her back. Sure enough, she still had deep feelings for her ex, who was a total asshole. It took me several months to figure out why I wasn't enjoying the relationship, and I felt DEEPLY hurt and betrayed by this girl for what she did to me.

You can't keep doing this, pick one, leave the other.

[Horseyguy]

No point continuing to see Pat until you are over Alex

[starbaby15]

Oh yeah I didn't mention that Pat and I are not in a relationship, we are just seeing each other. But we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. He DOES know I still talk to Alex, but not everyday. Thank you for weighing in!

[leoben]

Should go where your heart is telling you, and that's Alex. No matter how much better and healthier you think Pat is for you, it isn't going to work if you're always thinking about the Ex.

Go for another run around the block with alex and hopefully you will be truly sick and tired by the next time you break up so you can actually move on to a Pat hesitant free.

[starbaby15]

Do you think that if I cut off communication with Alex, it may help me to develop deeper feelings for Pat?

[leoben]

I doubt it. I think if pat had everything you were looking for you would be developing some kind of feelings for him. Alex just knows how to push your buttons.

[starbaby15]

Thats the thing. Sometimes I feel like I AM falling for Pat. But something stops it. Like Im afraid of getting hurt again. Like I sabotage myself! All of this makes me feel so weak as an individual. =-/

[leoben]

But you keep getting hurt with alex and going back right? It really sounds like you want to be in love with pat and try to force it, but it just isn't really there. Not being able to force yourself into loving someone you don't doesn't make you weak.

[starbaby15]

So what should I do? Give Alex another chance? Cut off contact with him and see how things go with Pat a little while longer? Give up on both?

[thebirdssing]

I can tell you to listen to your head and not go for the guy who's probably going to end up hurting you (Alex) but we all know that us humans like to be stubborn and follow our hearts, and look for some excitement, and Alex is giving you excitement cause the situation is probably unpredictable and fun with him. Also, you're just not over him yet, so getting into a relationship with someone who's perfect for you is not the right thing to do now. I think you should follow your heart though, even if it ends up being the wrong decision, cause if you're still into him it will never work out with Pat.