My Girlfriend Might Be About To Cheat On Me

[sadie_genie]

If he has to spy on her it's already over

Disagree. Trust is built, not assumed. I think he has to at least confront her about it; not give it up without a word. It would be stupid to assume everything even if the evidence seem very strong.

[Riku]

It's sounds like you are kind of looking for reasons this isn't what it really is. She is gonna cheat on you. From the way she talks it sounds to me like she has probably cheated on you before or at the very least she is a compulsive liar. You don't know the real person this girl is. She tells you half truths because it's the easiest way to lie and get out of it if she gets caught. Don't find excuses to believe her, nothing you thought was real is. Leave her and move on, sorry you have to go through this.

[My2wildhorses]

I agree with the trust thing. I have recently had a similar issue with my boyfriend where he seems to forget himself around other women and then I found a text on his phone (which something compulsed me to check which I never thought of doing before) and found a text message to his son that implied he feels like being with someone else when ever we go out to a club somewhere. When I confronted him he lies and makes up excuses and this texted message explained his recent actions when we did go out the last few times. Now the relationship is not the same because I cannot get that texted message or the recent events out of my head. The trust has been broken.

[Kaladin]

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to get a lot of varied responses to this.

Bonfire's idea is exactly what I was planning to do. 2 years is a long time, and I really do love this girl. She definitely deserves the benefit of the doubt, and although I would have no problem with breaking this up if she does cheat on me, I'm not going to automagically assume that she will. I also strongly agree with all the talk about trust. Trust really does make the relationship work, and I have a lot of trust in this girl - which is why I'm staying strong here. I have decided to keep checking her messages though and see how this pans out. As it stands, nothing more has been said between them. The last text was from my GF in reply to his question "How will you swing this with your ex though?" to which she said "Simple. Just tell him I'm going for a night out with a friend. He's cool with things like that and wouldn't mind if I stay out. Why, wouldn't your GF be okay with it then?" So there is a chance that she really is seeing this as a friendly catch up, even if he isn't.

My plan: Monitor her phone (awful I know, but the only way to reinforce my trust in her again and secure a future for this relationship is to see how this pans out and ensure she tells me the truth). If he texts back to arrange a meeting, I'll see what she tells me. If she says she's meeting this guy for a night out to catch up, I'll ask if I can come too so that I can meet some more of her friends. I also don't think it would be out of place to express discomfort about the idea of where she would sleep the night if it's just the two of them far from home.

If she lies about it being just the two of them, and says it's also with her old friends again, and that she'll be staying the night at one of her girlfriend's houses, or pretends she will be away for work for the night, etc etc, then that will be it. I'll keep asking questions about it all in a cold manner, staring her in the eyes, waiting for her to slip up. However it pans out, the trust will have been broken beyond repair, and I'll be leaving her no matter how she reacts. The fact that Sam hasn't replied since my GF's last text (written above) shows hope though. Perhaps he also got the vibe that she wasn't willing to cheat, and gave up. Time will tell, and I'll update here as this progresses.

I'd love to get some more feedback on this, it helps to hear a lot of different opinions. Nothing has changed in her adoration of me though, as she is just as caring and affectionate as she always has been, regularly looking into my eyes and telling me how much she loves me. I recently surprised her with a treasure hunt - setting up clue cards around the countryside just outside the house, each one leading to a small gift and another clue to the next, leading to me in a field with a bottle of wine! She really appreciated that. So if this relationship does go down the drain, I can rest assured that it's not for lack of effort on my part, and that at some point she will look back and remember the surprises I laid out for her like this treasure hunt, and realize that she lost something pretty unique.

Thanks again for your time everyone!

[newbieatlove]

same thing happened to me a few years back.. (sort of)
i checked her phone and confronted her and left her that night.. :/

i hope things work well for you though

[eonbar]

thats a horrible story sucks to have to go thru it.
happened to me once. confronted her about it. broke up. sucked. lol.

what your planning on doing sounds gd imo. why she lied tho will eat away at you and you'll start to doubt her. dunno what to suggest, but if this turns out right you really need to sit her down and talk, somehow, about this.

keep us informed?

[brandnew]

That's really sad. I honestly think you should just confront her, cause what she has been saying is not nice. You can be just as mad at her for saying those degrading things about you as she can be at you for checking her phone. Your gut feeling was obviously right cause she's lying! She's going to spend the night with that guy, if that's not enough to confront her than I don't know what will be.

[IncognitoSir]

That would be a dealbreaker for me. She has betrayed your TRUST. It's like taking a jack hammer to the very foundation of your 2 year relationship.
It sucks that you have to see her true colors right as you move in together, but it's better to break it off now, before you get hurt any worst and believe, it gets MUCH MUCH worst from here on out.

[womanrise]

It does not sound good. Since you and your girlfriend still say you love each other, why is she about to do this? There is no excuse, but since you do love her, you need to start with casual questions and find out.

[HeartIsAching]

Your trust in her is misplaced, and she thinks you're an idiot.

OR

She is setting you up to see if you trust her. Either way, you're hosed. Don't walk, run.

[Cain]

I don't understand.

You'll break up with her if she says again that she's catching up with old friends?

But she already said that. And showed that she was lying in her text messages.

Break up with her now.

[Kaladin]

To clarify what's going on in my mind, and why I'm waiting to see if she goes through with it:

All of you who have been in, or are currently in, a serious relationship - ask yourself honestly if you still enjoyed flirting with other women/men while you were in love. I know I do. It's meaningless, and although it's exciting, 80-90% of us won't go any further than that. Judging by how close we still are, and the fact that this is a 2 year relationship on the line, I'm going with that train of thought for the moment. IF it goes any further, then rest assured I won't stand for any of it. But I know I've said a few things to some other girls along the same lines over msn hinting at sexual activities, but of course never going any further than that. It's not common, I've done that maybe twice or three times over the two years we've been together, and each situation lasting for one conversation only, not dragged out over days or weeks. It happens, and it's very common.

There are of course the 10-20% of people that like to take it further. I don't believe my GF is one of those people, but I will be keeping tabs on this. As to people saying she spoke badly about me: she pretty much said that I'm a very trusting boyfriend who has no jealousy issues. I hate the idea of becoming a possessive BF, so I avoid sounding and acting like one as much as possible. I don't see any badmouthing in that statement.

Maybe this sounds like I'm clutching at straws. And maybe I am. But I'm not throwing away a two year relationship and a girl that I love until something actually happens. At the moment, she's only as guilty as I have been in the past, and many people have been. She has no idea that I'm aware of this communication, so if she tells him "no" of her own accord (if they even chat again at all) then my trust in her will be restored. If she makes concrete plans to meet up with him and lies about it to me or doesn't allow me to tag along with her, then my trust in her will be gone, and so will our relationship. Right now, the trust is in limbo.

[eonbar]

people on this forum are FAR to quick to say "dump the bitch"
it really annoys me. your right in what your doing.
you could just be whipping this all outa proportion and turning it into something its not? yes, you need to address these issues later and talk about them and why she didn't tell the truth... but dont just drop her like a rock like so many people are saying here. too many on this forum would rather run from any opportunity then actually work something out or address the issues at hand. take it slow and sort it out. your doing fine.

[VincenzoG91]

Ok, go ahead and "trust" her, even though you already know that she is lying. Just ask yourself, why she is lying about this? And what else will she lie about?

[HeartIsAching]

people on this forum are FAR to quick to say "dump the bitch"
it really annoys me. your right in what your doing.
you could just be whipping this all outa proportion and turning it into something its not? yes, you need to address these issues later and talk about them and why she didn't tell the truth... but dont just drop her like a rock like so many people are saying here. too many on this forum would rather run from any opportunity then actually work something out or address the issues at hand. take it slow and sort it out. your doing fine.

There are some things most people with a modicum of self-respect won't put up with. A partner that cheats once will do it again. A partner that lies, is usually lying about cheating. If you want to be a relationship doormat, go for it.