What should I do?

[shrink]

Hi All,

I'm hoping someone has some insight for my relationship.

I'm a 25 year old male. I came out of a really horrible 4 year relationship and vowed not to get myself into another sticky situation and focus instead on my university degree (in chemistry lol - wish it was the right kind!)

I think of myself as a very calm, measured and reasonable individual. I'm generally a very happy person and as far as i remember have never yelled, screamed or shown anger towards friends, girlfriends or family. I usually keep a lid on it and go to the gym, cook or go to work.

After leaving my last relationship I started dating about 2 months later. Inadvertently i meant a beautiful young lady at local not for profit organization whom we both volunteer on a regular basis for. One thing lead to another and 4 months after ending my last relationship i started a new one. She is wonderful to me...she brings me soup when i'm sick, if my washing machine breaks down she will come over to help me carry my laundry to the laundry mat, when she comes back into town after working a weekend away she always hopes over to see me first.

When it comes to the sex department, she wants to jump my bones every time i get in the door. I've met her family and they invite me up island regularly. We like the same activities and enjoy spending time together.

We have been together 8 months and have decided to move in together. We found the perfect place that is close to both of our amenities.

There is one kink in our relationship. She tells me im being emotionally guarded, neutral and well a somewhat unromantic. All of these accusations are of course true - i will not contest that. My problem is i fell heads of heels for a girl once and got left out in the cold so im naturally a suspicious person. Since month two I have had a gut instinct that she isn't what she appears to be. There is deception and interference being run on her side.

Because i didn't want to to cause tension in the relationship (i know that sounds stupid) ..i decided to put my worries to rest and do a little homework. If she came up clean id work really hard on trusting her completely and enjoying our time together. Unfortunately this is not the case...i found out she is an escort.

I'm not angry at all ... honest but im very sad and full of anxiety. I'm not sad because she is an escort, i'm sad because she discussed having a future together, kids, moving to Montreal possibly and pursuing careers in both our university area. This seems to be crumbling and tumbling down. I was worried about STIs but already had a blood test and was cleared but this still leaves the possibility of future infections.

I'm not sure how to approach her and tell her i know everything. I'm caught between two rocks ... here is a girl that makes me happy and SEEMS to love me unconditionally but is someone who lies to me every weekend about where she goes and who she services ....

[MaidenMinx]

I'm going to start by saying, I personally don't think this is a relationship killer unless you want it to be. Many young women all over the world have a hard time paying for a good education and turn to the sex industry as a last resort. They 'work' their way through higher education and then give it up completely. This doesn't have to be a bad thing.

When it comes to talking to her about it, this is tricky. There is a very good chance that she is going to be upset that you were snooping, so to speak, and in the long run, you have invaded her privacy and she has a right to be upset. Though at the same time I think she may be relieved she doesn't have to tell you, especially if you can discuss it with her in a detached unemotional fashion.

You met this girl volunteering, she is obviously not a bad person. I'd say the reason she hasn't told you is she assumes you won't want to be with her if she tell you.

I would like to add here, I think you need to know some details on the type of work she is doing before you can determine this is a bad thing. The classier the clientele the less chance of STD's etc.

[Cerby]

Wow, that is incredible, and I feel really bad for you that you're in this situation. Good thing you remained emotionally neutral instead of diving into this head first.

If you dug it up, perhaps play the "accidentally found your services" ad, but you need to approach this, perhaps even telling just the truth and saying you did some digging (someone needs to start being honest). What can she do? accuse you of digging into her personal life while she is out "servicing" people on the weekends? You win that argument hands down.

I don't know what advice would work 100% here, but you need to address this situation because your anxiety will destroy you if this goes on.

[shrink]

I'm caught between two schools of thought. One for my own self-preservation, another for hers.

1) Neutral Setting - At least it's a neutral environment but i'd have to be very careful approaching the issue. Based on her usual reactions she will go through the entire cycle of grief. As soon as she realizes i know she will scream, yell and toss around empty accusations and than storm out for the rest of the evening. Anytime between midnight and the next two days ill get a phone call to talk. This will kill me but it may be better for her in the long run. I was upfront and honest about it.

2) Entrapment - Setting up a 'date' at a hotel. When she arrives i wont confront her, just treat her like any other day. She won't scream, storm out throw around anything, whenever i catch her doing something shes not suppose to shes like a deer caught in headlights. Maybe suggest we go out for dinner than a walk or something and than slowly and gently attack the issue. Mind you this entire time she will be mortified but it wont lead to an argument and everything will fairly smoothed out by the time we go home. This is more for my self-preservation - holding higher-ground. Not morally just literally the upper hand.

[MaidenMinx]

Neutral setting for sure!!! Take her to dinner, find a restaurant that has an area for some privacy.

Then tell her. Start with, after my last relationship I have trust issues, (and if you genuinely feel bad for snooping) and they have led me to do something I am not proud of. I have done some snooping and found out you are an escort.....

Now here is the tricky bit because ideally you would then say something like, this doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you, I'd just like you to talk to me about it. But if you don't feel that way you can't say that.

Hopefully saying that you still want to be with her will blunt some of the anger she is going to feel over being snooped on.


I personally think if you walk into this trying to claim any level of moral higher ground you will lose her. You have invaded her privacy which is just as bad as her lying to you, they are opposite sides of the same coin. I also think you will need to do a lot of open listening when you do tell her you know. When she explains, be emotionally detached, hear her out and make sure you let her say everything she needs too. Never interrupt her. The only time you should speak once you've told her what you know is to encourage her to continue talking. After dinner you will have a very heavy head full of info that you will need to sort out to determine what you do next. You don't have to decide straight away.

[elleda]

for someone WITHOUT trust issues, this would plant such a seed of doubt in his mind everytime she went out with a friend, came home a bit late etc.

for you, i'm guessing that even if you two resolve this entirely by discussion, it will continue to bug you every time she is away from you. i feel bad for you for having to decide. i feel bad for her, she probably just want to love and be loved like every else, despite her line of work.

i think you should focus more on your studies!! and something that i'm still learning, date people longer before beginning relationships and letting someone you don't really know iinto your heart. those love hormones make us think we do, but we don't.

i'm learning this the hard way, being heartbroken over someone i've known for 3 months!!! blah

good luck

[HeartIsAching]

Neutral setting for sure!!! Take her to dinner, find a restaurant that has an area for some privacy.

Then tell her. Start with, after my last relationship I have trust issues, (and if you genuinely feel bad for snooping) and they have led me to do something I am not proud of. I have done some snooping and found out you are an escort.....

Now here is the tricky bit because ideally you would then say something like, this doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you, I'd just like you to talk to me about it. But if you don't feel that way you can't say that.

Hopefully saying that you still want to be with her will blunt some of the anger she is going to feel over being snooped on.


I personally think if you walk into this trying to claim any level of moral higher ground you will lose her. You have invaded her privacy which is just as bad as her lying to you, they are opposite sides of the same coin. I also think you will need to do a lot of open listening when you do tell her you know. When she explains, be emotionally detached, hear her out and make sure you let her say everything she needs too. Never interrupt her. The only time you should speak once you've told her what you know is to encourage her to continue talking. After dinner you will have a very heavy head full of info that you will need to sort out to determine what you do next. You don't have to decide straight away.

This is excellent advice. You need to be honest and communicative with her. I'm betting that she wasn't honest with you because of how she thought you'd react. Now... personally I'd have a hard time getting over the dishonesty right out of the starting gate, but if you're willing to give it a shot, I'd say follow this advice.

[shrink]

I will let you know how it goes. To complicate matters she is just returning from Alberta after her father had something similar to a stroke >_< ...all things fall in three's!

[elleda]

seriously????


dear god: why is life so hard??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MaidenMinx]

If she has extra stress on her plate, make sure you are extra gentle with her. If you can, wait a little while to bring it up. Not too long of course but maybe long enough so she's not so worried about her dad. Bringing this up while she has a full plate will make you come across as selfish and uncaring.

[shrink]

Hey All,

Just wanted to say it worked out well. It was really difficult but we talked and came to an understanding. it was no where as bad as i thought it would be. No screaming, yelling, storming off...

If anything this has brought us closer together.

[MaidenMinx]

Wonderful to hear!!!

[HeartIsAching]

Excellent news.

[shrink]

Im not sure if any of you were interested in details or not but here you go

I took your advice and cooked her a really nice dinner and than we went for a walk on the beach and i brought it up. It was really difficult for both of us and we're both a little out of sorts. Let's face it, it is a bit of a ****ed up situation.

She told me the reason why she hadn't told me was she didn't intend to fall for me. She was looking for a casual relationship and didn't expect to find someone like me. She was hoping i didn't find out and was looking for other work but the job situation where we live is bleak unless you have a specialty or in demand profession. Most jobs are $10/hr if that.

She told me she applied to Dalhousie University (one of the best in the country) and was intending to apply for law school next fall and that she will exit the industry within 2 or 3 years. This morning she did tell me she would quit and find a job if that's what i really wanted because she would rather be happy with me than keep working and lose me. I told her if it makes you happy i'd rather you keep working and have enough to buy a house in 2 years and than it's one less thing to worry about. I told her i feel really jealous (ive never felt jealous before) and im still wandering in my thoughts but keeping things how they were is the best for the situation right now.

We can to some compromises as well. I don't need to know the details of what is going on except for when she comes back from a trip and shes pipping mad, upset or sad because it affects us both. She also said, anytime it becomes to much for me she will take a break or quit as long as we decide this a month or two in advance so she can figure out her finances.

I looked at the situation like this. First, She is being safe, the agency is lady owned, walk-ins aren't allowed (referrals only). Second, within a year and a half, two years between her and myself we will have enough money to buy a house in cash or at least a 70% down payment which is amazing since the average housing pricing is $400,000. In the long run, this means we can travel where we want to and not worry about a mortgage. Last but not least she is willing to quit anytime for us.

I still find it ironic that she gets jealous when i hangout with my lady friends, but at least i have some humour about the situation.

[IndiReloaded]

Students pay for their education all the time w/o having to resort to being an escort. Tuition in Canada isn't all that expensive.

Unless there is some tragic situation like her parents died and she's raising her 4 sibs and trying to go to school, I call BS on this story. Even then, even in NS, there is support for her. This gal is about the money. Sorry. You must look like a good prospect so she wants you to hang around. I think you better watch yourself. As an escort, this gal knows how to chat up the guys and tell them exactly what they want to hear. Are you having sex already as well? If you were my son, I'd tell you to watch it.