my boyfriend and his depressed, needy ex are driving me insane

[elleda]

*I HAVE A GOOD DEAL OF REPLIES ON HERE ALREADY, but i still want and need more opinions! I will listen!!! please leave your two cents no matter how brutal!! thank you***

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

I met the man of my dreams 3 months ago. I was the girl of his dreams too and things were magic, blissful, amazing intense…….when we weren’t fighting over his ex girlfriend, that is.

They are best friends. Dated for 2 years but the relationship was sexless after 3 months. It’s been two years since she moved out, but I just found out that they were only apart for 2 weeks before resuming being best friends and hanging out 3 or 4 times a week…! Does anyone not agree that they never broke up? Only thing different is not having sex or living together.

His seeing her never cut into my time with him. He told me often he cancelled plans with her for me, but I was bothered that they had such frequent plans at all!

Then, I would call him, he would be his normal self on the phone but would be “oh, having lunch with HER” (don’t even want to type her name, I hear it enough). Any time we were apart and I called him, it seemed he was “helping HER shop for a spring coat”, “on my way to pick HER up to drive her home”, “fixing HER car”.

I have seen them interact, have met her, he and I have gone on a few double dates with her and a guy she was seeing (they broke up, unsurprisingly). I know there is nothing sexual there, but I told him it’s inappropriate to be hanging out with his ex more often than me and being at her apartment late at night “comforting” her. She has social anxiety, depression, family issues, you name it.

At the beginning of our relationship, he adamantly refused to alter his relationship with her in any way because he didn’t want to “desert” her. Apparently she helped him through a tough time in his life. We broke up and got back together several times over this.

Now after three months, I sent her an email a few days ago telling her that if she truly wants him to be happy, they need to loosen up, letting her know our breakup is not her fault as he makes his own decisions, wishing her the best with her family and telling her I hope they figure things out with each other before either of them hurts someone else again.

I sent him an email telling him it was over and why. All this time he had me convinced that I was being old fashioned, jealous and unreasonable in requesting that he not have late night one on ones and spend the majority of his week with his ex.

Next thing I know, he is begging for me back. Telling me she said she’d back off, admitted that she was codependent on him and that he felt guilty and responsible for her, and that she said it was sad because I made him so happy.

He admitted that I was right all along and he couldn’t believe how blind and in denial he was.

He told me he wants me to be his number one and will do what it takes to change it, including hanging out with her much less than before.

He said he doesn’t want to lose me because of her. He didn’t realize what he was doing before but now he does and will set it right.

I said if he want to change and is willing to do it, not for me, but for himself, I will. He said yes, he’s wanted out for a while and didn’t know how.

I told him talk is cheap and when he has accomplished this, we’ll get back together.

He doesn’t have many friends (she has none) and says if I leave him, it will make it too hard for him to hang out with her less. He also doesn’t know what to do because he thinks something bad will happen to her if he “breaks up” with her.

I believe his conviction and I the good has outweighed the bad in this relationship. I still want him.

What should I do???????!!!

He admits to me that she will probably be sad for the rest of her life and that he feels responsible for her happiness…… Am I the only one who sees what those two statements add up to…??

[hello1]

This is tricky but you did the right thing, they were having an emotional affair. I say your boyfriend could be stopping this girl from getting better, she relies on him too much so does not find her own way in life which she must do. Who wants be second best to a friend? strange situation but least he chose you.

[belovedbritt]

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend. He is recently been talking and hanging with an old close friend from high school. he has been out of school for about 7 yrs now. she was in the army, got married and has a kid now. her husband is stationed half way across the us. at first it was fixing her car or meeting up to catch up on things. now it seem every single say she is texting him, asking him for help, asking him of his day, etc, literally all day! I have never met her yet, I am not worried about cheating. it just drives me nuts because i feel she is using my bf as a substitute for her husband being away. now he lies when she texts and cancels on me to go help her out with something. It is making us fight like crazy, and he thinks i am being jealous, but i feel like i am being placed on the back burner!!

they had sexual relations in high school and that is what drives me mad!
I don't understand what she wants from him!


I feel for you girl!, maybe we both can help each other out!

[Cain]

You did the right thing.

But his problem is that he feels like he is responsible for her. There's nothing you can do about that. Until he cuts the string, it's going to remain the same.

[elleda]

he seriously would have been perfect for me if not for this issue. i don't mean to be bitchy either, but there's NO WAY he's going to get better than me. NO WAY lol

i've been thinking about it all day. i want to be with him because he makes me happy. i think i should give him a chance at least.

he needs to take a 2 week break from contact with her. then after that, they can resume contact, only getting together if it's a group and i have been invited.

beloved britt:: that is REALLY disrespectful. i wonder if he even told her that he has a girlfriend? maybe he likes the attention. i honestly don't even know what to tell you. but you have EVERY right to be pissed and if he doesn't respect your feelings,DUMP HIM. asap

[MerryH]

he needs to take a 2 week break from contact with her. then after that, they can resume contact, only getting together if it's a group and i have been invited.

That's pretty controlling and excessive, don't you think? You're acting like his mother. Doesn't that bother you?

He may have a weird, possibly unhealthy friendship with her, but you said that she had never cut into your time with him. And he said he's willing to set it right. So maybe it's time to chill out and let him handle it. Do you really need to set rules for him and chaperone them all the time? That would be really strange.

[MaidenMinx]

I think the fact that she has said she wants to back off and not ruin things for you guys is a fantastic sign that they are just friends. It appears to me that they just needed to rea;lise how much they were holding each other back. Give him a chance to prove his desire to put you first.

[vertical_sky]

I had a situation very very similar to this. He and the girl had been friends since high school, were constantly texting each other, hanging out whenever she was in town (I wasn't allowed to visit one weekend as he "couldn't handle two guests.") Her friends automatically assumed he was her boyfriend (and asked if she knew he was gay.) Unsurprisingly, he found the new girlfriend after me through this old friend (and good luck to her.)

You have two choices. You can either accept it, or you can leave. The hard cold truth is, he isn't going to change until he wants to. He isn't going to alter his friendship/emotional affair with this girl until he decides, for himself, free of influence, that he should or wants to. Him doing so only to placate or win you back has a huge chance of back-firing and making him feel resentful or controlled. He needs to be the one to cut the string out of an independent decision.

Now, it is possible that he will independently conclude he'd rather have what he has with you than what he has with her... people who have emotional or sexual affairs terminate their philandering because they decide their primary relationship is too important. But you've known this guy for three months! Even if he's perfect (honest perspective here, alarm bells go off whenever ANYONE describes their significant other as perfect, let alone their significant other of less than a year) you two probably don't have enough of a foundation for him to make that decision on.

Right now, he has a stronger connection and a longer past with her than he does with you.

The other choice you have is to accept it. Maybe you can handle it. I myself couldn't, but my ex's new girlfriend seems to find no problem with it (it probably helps that from what I've heard, she's far more demure and passively sweet than I could ever hope to be.) If this guy really is as great as you say, then maybe this is the price of admission to having a relationship with him.

The third option I think isn't something you decide, but it could be achieved if your boyfriend did honestly wish to preserve what he had with you. You make no demands of change between he and his ex, and he independently pulls back from her.... Not enough to cut her out completely, but enough that he puts more priority on you. You come first, she comes second. But HE needs to decide that and make the arrangements. Your hands need to be clean of any involvement, or you risk looking insecure, controlling, and/or needy. Yes, even if you had legitimate concerns. My ex treated me horribly in regards to setting me up in a competition against his friend for his time and affections, and because I wasn't saavy enough, I played right into it, and cast myself as the Evil Insecure Girlfriend seeking to break up the Innocent Friendship.

If you absolutely cannot leave him, and you absolutely cannot accept the situation... tread very, very lightly my friend.

[elleda]

vertical sky:
"My ex treated me horribly in regards to setting me up in a competition against his friend for his time and affections, and because I wasn't saavy enough, I played right into it, and cast myself as the Evil Insecure Girlfriend seeking to break up the Innocent Friendship"


OH MY.....COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER MYSELF.

yes, i would agree that is treating someone horribly. and no doubt on some level, he LOOOVED the attention.

it's emphasized EVEN more because of 2 factors. One of them fair, the other unfair:

1) He has made the demand that I change, argued their relationship to the hilt with ME..............but he hasn't said a word to her or asked their relationship to change at ALL. so she has no reason to react (aka angel) and i am the only one reacting (crazy insecure jealous witch woman)

2) truthfully, i have a bad temper. lol. in comparison, she is a passive little meek limp noodle. so he automatically feels the need to "PROTECT" her from me. by the way, this dumb bitch is older than me even

i am just soooooooooo soooooooooo effing sick of all of this shit. he had this revelation and we had this talk right before he left for a work trip for a few days so i haven't had the chance to gauge his actions. when he gets back, i plan to sit back and watch what he does.

but honestly........... i am considering just changing my number....lol

at this point though, i am too curious. i will wait and see. will let you guys know.

[elleda]

maiden minx:
simple but very sage advice.

thank you!

[elleda]

merryH:

you're right. i would hate the way i'd feel about myself just saying those words. i'm just really mad and frustrated and truthfully, DISGUSTED by their behavior. i feel really condescending towards them right now. just pathetic. i should probably just change my number...but i'm going to wait and see what he does when he gets back from this trip. good grief

[shrink]

If she did help him get over tough times in his life it is unlikely that his feelings for her will never change. When guys let their guard down enough to let a girl fully in our feelings for them never change. We may have a bad breakup and swear at each other but secretly we still hold them close to us (we will never admit this).

I have a very good female friend. We are plutonic. When i first met my girlfriend i let her know that i keep female friends, including some ex's and she would have to be ok with this if she wants to date me. At first this wasn't an issue but as our relationship grew it naturally became one.

I sat down with my girlfriend and asked her what would make her feel better ...you can guess the response This was unacceptable to me because like every relationship the future is uncertain but good friends stay forever. However, we came to a compromise ... i wouldn't hangout with any of my female friends more than twice a week, my girlfriend was allowed to come along anytime and when possible have them over to our place. This seemed a bit restrictive at the time but it was a compromise, my mental health for hers. Forward 6 months down the road and we all go out together. We did have some fights but I was mature enough just to listen and empathize. 6 months down the road we are all friends, they go out for girls nights, somenights a bunch come over to watch movies ... but i still have some private time with them as well. Its all about finding balance as long as both parties are willing.

I guarantee you his behaviour will not change significantly. It may superficially but not in the long term.

If he wants you, let him prove it. Don't chase after him, don't give him chances, let him prove it. Ultimately in this situation he needs to force change within himself.

[elleda]

shrink: thanks for your story and well thought out reply, yes that sounds like us. i was cool with it at first until the day i realized how serious this was, his hurrying me out the door one morning to have lunch with HER before i knew who she was.

"I guarantee you his behaviour will not change significantly. It may superficially but not in the long term."

i don't like to admit it, but something in these words ring true. but what does this mean??? he will never be closer to another woman than his ex who rejected him sexually and kept him around to do her favours out of guilt and obligation for 3 more years of his young adult life???

she's willing to back off and he confided to me that he wants out and that they never should have dated, he was not really attracted to her in the first place.

i COMPLETELY agree about backing off. not chasing him, not giving him chances and letting him prove it. GREAT ADVICE

he will be back in town tommorrow!! please cross your fingers for me guys. i will let you know how this turns out. it's SSOOOO tricky because i want him so bad.......but emotionally, i've already got my bags packed and waiting at the door

*cry

[MaidenMinx]

Elleda, please try your best not to drive yourself nuts. You need to take your mind off it. I suggest a long hot bath, maybe some cucumber slices for your eyes. Maybe spend the evening pampering yourself. Or watch a good funny movie and pig out on popcorn. ANYTHING that will help distract you.

Personally, I think it's when people let their thoughts churn that can be the back breaking straw for a lot of relationships. It is very hard to let thoughts go, I will never say it easy. It is very very worth learning how to do though. Let thoughts be like liquid, let them go as soon as they come in. And if you are starting to develop anxiety over this, I doubly recommend the hot bath.

[shrink]

It's not the end of the world. It's a relationship. I know how it feels, im in a pickle right now too! Chances are you will have many in your lifetime. The average person has 3 long term relationships before they get married.

To answer your request regarding

i don't like to admit it, but something in these words ring true. but what does this mean??? he will never be closer to another woman than his ex who rejected him sexually and kept him around to do her favours out of guilt and obligation for 3 more years of his young adult life???

Pretty much. I have one female friend i see once a year (she lives overseas), we never dated or have any sexual desires for each other but we feel like the world is ours when we are together. We have hours of fun bounding away and talk about everything. This does not mean I don't love my girlfriend or that im not very close to her. Think of it like a really close girlfriend of yours that you share everything with and shes always there for you, now just add the opposite sex.

To me it sounds like their relationship is more than plutonic, if it's codependency there is emotional attraction. Which in a sense is cheating.