"I love you but am not IN love with you"

[confusedinnh]

I've know this guy for about 20 years; He moved down south and we lost contact. When his brother died, I saw him again for the first time in over a decade at his brother's wake. Fast forward several months and I helped him move back up here so he could be closer to family (mom). Fast forward another year and she moves out west, and we are "roommates", and will be for FIVE years this summer.

He never got "my room" done. Been sharing the bed the whole time. We've essentially lived like a couple except for the title. We have done EVERYTHING together, of course. And he has said from the beginning that "we are just friends, friends with benefits" and doesn't want a relationship....with me..? But still I've been here, taking care of him even when he's got the "man cold"., I'm the one who arranged to send his mom flowers for Mother's Day!!!!!!! We get along very well, and even friends are like 'They'd make the perfect couple'....

He tends to go for the "crazy, adventurous" females that wear more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker, if you know what I mean. Well, a couple of months ago, after he turned 40~~ I noticed a chick who started posting on his fb page on everything, and next thing you know, they are starting to go out for drinks. This chick just got out of a relationship that was over a year long. And I have extremely reliable sources as to her "character" if you will, and it's bad news... He seems like he's going through a mid-life crisis.

We had a fight over this. He said the "I do love you but I'm not IN love with you." "Told you from day one we are just friends" "I am probably being really stupid for not accepting someone who loves me and takes care of me like you do.." "I expect a relationship to have *fireworks* non-stop" .... "you aren't adventurous enough"...

He said he's going to finally get my "room" done. Well, there's no way I would be able to be in the same house when he finally brings someone home..

I've been completely devasted by what I feel is rejection. I understand that he said from the beginning about just being friends, so is it just my fault, providing the milk for free so he doesn't have to buy the cow? Tonight, we were supposed to go to a new bar that a friend opened up, but "she" called and next thing you know he's going for a motorcyle ride with her.. (she has her own bike, another bonus). So it was obvious I was upset that he ditched me for her, he even said that he was a jerk, and "What can I do to make it up to you"... *he just sent me a text, apologizing for being a bad friend, that he's a bad person, hopes I can forgive him for tonight*

In closing, these past several weeks have been emotionally and physically draining for me. Before living with him, I was with someone for close to 4 years and I think I lost my individuality way back then. Since I've been told I'm not "adventurous" enough, I think I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do.. Move cross country and find myself again. I would like to hope that he would see what a mistake it was, but realistically, I shouldn't have any more false hopes about this. I feel bad, he's not going to make it financially without a roommate, but I suppose he might find another chick to replace me. Of note, it can't be the current one, because she has her child 50% of the time. I casually told him that I was going to move cross country, but he got mad when I told him it was the city he always talks about moving too...

Basically, I think him starting to seek other women is the straw that broke my back in my otherwise stagnant life. Do you you all feel it's a good move to start anew? Seeing him, or thinking of him with someone else is taking it's toll. I suppose the only good thing is that it's caused me to lose several lbs. I'm in my 30s, and I feel this is the only chance I've got to somehow get happy, or find someone that will consider me a priority, not an option... And I'm sick of the weather here.

[smackie9]

YOU GO GIRL! You go away and start a new life! Most people would just sit and snivel for months over this....you have it right, it's time to move on and find who you are again. Good luck.