Frustrating Love - Bound by a Promise.

[pisces25]

She isn't the only 'truly awesome' woman in the world. What is to say you can't have with someone else what you have with her? And what if she leaves her husband for you and the relationship you have is not what you expect or she leaves you? Are you maybe idealising things a little? You were happy being single so you can be happy staying single. I don't mean to sound harsh it just seems to me maybe half the attraction may be coming from coz you know you truly can't be together. Could be wrong. In any case I hope things work out for you and you manage to find happiness with someone else if she decides to stay with her husband.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm sorry if I offended...

I'm just hurting terribly because my happiness is being controlled by a selfish man who only understands anger and fear.

I was just told this morning that we can't see or talk to each other because she's really afraid of what he might do.

You can't control who you meet, when you meet them, or how you love them. If I could have controlled when I met her, for instance when she was single believe me I would've done it in a heart beat. But I can't! That's life, and it doesn't always give us the perfect timing we need...

Aching... I appreciate your story, it gives me some hope but at the same time I don't want to miss out on 15 to 20 years of memories and experiences with the woman that I love.


I am heart broken and a big part of my happiness is in the hands of a man who only knows hate and not love.

And you guys are right... I was hoping that one or all of you would've said she needs to back away from her marriage, to be that kind of support from the outside.

I know you guys meant well, I'm sorry if I came off harshly... i'm just hurting so much its unreal.

Of course you don't want to wait. I didn't either, and we've got 15 years of heartache to deal with as a result. She's apologized to me several times for being so stubborn and stupid and making us wait, and I've had to tell her more than once that it was obvious that we BOTH had things to learn before we had a shot at a real and lasting relationship. Things worked out when they were supposed to. I get to be married to the love of my life now, and will cherish whatever time I have left with her.

Things WILL work out with your love the way they're supposed to. It's hard to have faith in it, but it's true.

[Blueeyes79]

She isn't the only 'truly awesome' woman in the world. What is to say you can't have with someone else what you have with her? And what if she leaves her husband for you and the relationship you have is not what you expect or she leaves you? Are you maybe idealising things a little? You were happy being single so you can be happy staying single. I don't mean to sound harsh it just seems to me maybe half the attraction may be coming from coz you know you truly can't be together. Could be wrong. In any case I hope things work out for you and you manage to find happiness with someone else if she decides to stay with her husband.

I know that she's not, but meeting someone truly awesome in this world that connecting and understand them effortlessly is something really rare that doesn't even happen to every one. And even if it turns out that we weren't meant to be, having the chance to see if there's something there and not sitting here wondering "I wonder if..." for the rest of my life, is something I desire more than anything right now. Again even if she and I weren't meant to be 'forever' the man she's with now is only making her life miserable, more so now than before.

And I never said I couldn't be happy, only that its taken to a much greater level with her in my life. She enhances it in such an awesome way. =/

[HeartIsAching]

I know that she's not, but meeting someone truly awesome in this world that connecting and understand them effortlessly is something really rare that doesn't even happen to every one. And even if it turns out that we weren't meant to be, having the chance to see if there's something there and not sitting here wondering "I wonder if..." for the rest of my life, is something I desire more than anything right now. Again even if she and I weren't meant to be 'forever' the man she's with now is only making her life miserable, more so now than before.

And I never said I couldn't be happy, only that its taken to a much greater level with her in my life. She enhances it in such an awesome way. =/

It's a mistake to depend on someone else for your happiness. Watch for [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency"]codependency[/URL].

That said, I can't imagine life without my wife. Go figure.

[pisces25]

the man she's with now is only making her life miserable, more so now than before
That is not your problem. I know you care about her but taking on her suffering as well as your own can't be doing you any good. And I don't think you will be wondering 'what if' for the rest of your life because you will move on and you will find happiness with someone else. She is the one that isn't leaving her husband. Why keep blaming him for the situation you are both in.

[Blueeyes79]

Og I would tell you this, my cousin said when she was with her bf without her parents allowance, she felt so happy, but once they were married, the reality shows up, I find the ones who betray their partner worth nothing, and the ones who interrupt another relationship or married are in the same boat. You guys r evil not the other way around. Understand????? If not, join a morality school. Not my business btw but make me sick.

No, whats sickening is how quick you are to judge the both of us. I certainly did not go on a mission with the intent of interrupting their relationship. Further more one can stop themselves from being physically attached to someone but you CAN NOT prevent
yourself from feeling what you do for someone else. So what would you have us do? Avoid making friends because there's the
possibility that you might find you have feelings for someone else and because of that it means we're evil? Really?

We did not 'cross the line' but we have incredibly strong feelings for one another. If finding a connection with someone else makes us, her, I evil. Then so be it. But in my humble opinion your perspective on things in seriously, hideously flawed, if not undeservingly harsh.

I should point out one thing: He admitted to treating her badly and pushing her away.

Is there things she may have done wrong? Probably, but she did try to support him and was constantly drained by his negativity and malice.

So hold your tongue, their marriage was problematic far before I came into the picture. All I tend was lend her an ear and a shoulder to lean against one day when I saw she was really upset and by offering an ear I got learn a lot about the woman I now feel I have an undeniable connection with.

So unless you have something constructive to say consider yourself ignored for the rest of this thread.

[IndiReloaded]

It's a mistake to depend on someone else for your happiness. Watch for [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency"]codependency[/URL].

That said, I can't imagine life without my wife. Go figure.

You eventually came to each other clean (no guilt or unmanageable baggage). This is the only way for people with integrity to do it and have something lasting, IMO. You need to understand this, BlueEyes.

[Blueeyes79]

You eventually came to each other clean (no guilt or unmanageable baggage). This is the only way for people with integrity to do it and have something lasting, IMO. You need to understand this, BlueEyes.

I understand and agree, ideally yes that's the way it works but unfortunately life doesn't always give us the option of who we fall in love with and when. Maybe in a movie, but the is real life. And sometimes the most valuable things in life require the greatest amount of effort and patience.

[IndiReloaded]

You are reading only what you want to. HeartIsAching DID exactly this. You do have choices in your situation. You may not control who you love, but you definitely control what you do about it.

You don't sound like you are able to think longterm about this, so I'll tell you one more thing: Women who leave their husbands in situations like yours (most don't, btw, they lead their affair partners a merry chase--some for years) eventually end up hating their affair partners b/c they got to see them at their worst. In other words, you being her emotional tampon during this period will not endear her to you in the longterm.

Like I said, I'm a realist. People make commitments they can't keep all the time. Divorce happens, especially in todays disposable society. Shrug.

BTW, you can stop trying to sound wiser than you obviously are. I've also been in a situation like this, most similar to HeartIsAching. I'm married for 20 years and never divorced. You might consider actually paying attention to those who have actually had their feet held to the fire. You haven't passed through yet, kiddo.

[Blueeyes79]

You are reading only what you want to. HeartIsAching DID exactly this. You do have choices in your situation. You may not control who you love, but you definitely control what you do about it.

You don't sound like you are able to think longterm about this, so I'll tell you one more thing: Women who leave their husbands in situations like yours (most don't, btw, they lead their affair partners a merry chase--some for years) eventually end up hating their affair partners b/c they got to see them at their worst. In other words, you being her emotional tampon during this period will not endear her to you in the longterm.

Like I said, I'm a realist. People make commitments they can't keep all the time. Divorce happens, especially in todays disposable society. Shrug.

BTW, you can stop trying to sound wiser than you obviously are. I've also been in a situation like this, most similar to HeartIsAching. I'm married for 20 years and never divorced. You might consider actually paying attention to those who have actually had their feet held to the fire. You haven't passed through yet, kiddo.

I understand statistics. And yes I've been told by you and several others that chances are despite how bad things are she's going to stay right where's she's at. I've even told her that's what I expect her to do. So despite my feelings I'm trying to take everything with a grain of salt. My biggest fault is that I'm stubborn, and I don't give up easily. Something she and I have in common. That particular quality I would like in my partner honestly - I don't want someone that gives up easily. I'd be worried if the whole aspect of divorce was an easy thing for her to digest.

As far acting wise, I can't really comment, in my short 30 years of life I've experienced a multitude of things whether or not the number of those things is any greater than yours or anyones, or what I've learned from them for that matter, I really can't say.

Do I have choices? Yes. I can choose whether I stay or I go. What I can not choose is the way I feel about someone.

[HeartIsAching]

I understand statistics. And yes I've been told by you and several others that chances are despite how bad things are she's going to stay right where's she's at. I've even told her that's what I expect her to do. So despite my feelings I'm trying to take everything with a grain of salt. My biggest fault is that I'm stubborn, and I don't give up easily. Something she and I have in common. That particular quality I would like in my partner honestly - I don't want someone that gives up easily. I'd be worried if the whole aspect of divorce was an easy thing for her to digest.

As far acting wise, I can't really comment, in my short 30 years of life I've experienced a multitude of things whether or not the number of those things is any greater than yours or anyones, or what I've learned from them for that matter, I really can't say.

Do I have choices? Yes. I can choose whether I stay or I go. What I can not choose is the way I feel about someone.

I will say this:

Statistics be damned - if it's real, you CAN beat the odds. Hang in there. The hardest thing I ever did was tell my wife (when she wasn't my wife) What I wanted, what I thought was right for us, and then to back off and let her make her own choices without pressuring her. I'm glad I did now, she eventually did, and came to me with no resentment, no feeling that I pressured her into doing something she wasn't sure she had to do.

The day she moved away, I died inside. I knew something was wrong with me for a very long time, but didn't connect the two, didn't realize just how much that damaged me, but in the end it was necessary, and worth it.

[VincenzoG91]

Is she going to leave him? No. So forget about her. No means no.

[HeartIsAching]

Never say never.

[VincenzoG91]

Never say never.

"Maybe the horse will sing." Google it.

[IndiReloaded]

Never say never.

Agreed, but be smart in the meantime.