I think I messed up but I don't want to come in second to a dog

[tjbella]

Hi everyone,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, it really means a lot to me

My partner and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now, and while we've had some extreme ups and downs we've always managed to sort things out. This time I'm not sure if we will be able to, or even if we should.

I guess I should explain that we both love animals, and we both had a dog each in the beginning of our relationship. My Bella was the centre of my world and my best friend and his dog Olly is the same to him. It's part of what bought us together.

During a heated argument one day early in, my dog ran away and I've never been able to find her. I debated with myself at the time of the argument whether to stop and go after her or keep trying to sort things out with my partner. I put my partner and my relationship first and I feel like I paid the price by making a massive sacrifice and never seeing my best friend again. I was devastated and even saw a psychologist about it.

Now a couple of years on, I feel like a third wheel in a relationship with him and his dog Olly. He has joint custody of him with his ex-girlfriend and we have Olly from Thursday to Saturday. I have always known that the relationship they have is important and very special and I'm not trying to come between that but an incident that happened this week made me realise that no matter how important something is to me, the dog is always going to come first.

Let me explain: I'm at university so am very pushed for time, however I just got a new job and had to buy some clothes last week as I had nothing to wear. I had 2 hours free on Thursday evening and asked him if he would like to come with me to pick them out. We had been shopping for 1/2 an hour and i was trying on some pants when he said to me "can you please hurry, I'm bored (this was to be expected) and I don't want to leave Olly at home on his own". Needless to say, we left then (pantless) and I wore a pair of ill-fitting faded pants on my first day of work. I don't think I made a good impression.

There have been many occasions when the dog has held us back from doing things because he can't come and my partner doesn't want to leave him alone, and while it's frustrating normally I don't make a fuss. This time I snapped. There was something I needed to do, had limited time to do, and the dog was still more important. I made it very clear how I felt and how important it was, and I came out looking like a jealous girlfriend. He has said he doesn't want to be with me now, Olly is more important and I'm never going to win over him. He says he understands that I feel sacrificed my dog for our relationship but it was my decision. I've said that I don't want to be in a relationship where I always come second to a dog. I feel like I sacrificed so much for him and our relationship and sometimes I should come first. I don't expect it all the time, I understand Olly is important to him. We love each other so much but I'm not sure that is enough, I don't feel like this situation is fair and I'm not sure that I'm willing to be put in this situation again.

Have I done the wrong thing and am expecting too much? I'm so confused. I would really appreciate some feedback on this, e.g. what you would do in this situation, how would you react, etc.

[jb1111983]

Frankly I don't see how a dog can mean more to your partner than you. You're just acting too insecure in your relationship. Come on you're comparing yourself with a dog? I have a dog and I love him. If my gf of 2 and a half years asked me who was more important to me, she or the dog. That would annoy me and I'd probably say the dog. I don't mean it but such insecure attitude from her is not cool. You've been with your partner for over two years now and he doesn't need to please you everyday. The dog on the other hand needs to be cared for. My advice to you would be to stop nagging your partner and see how he reacts to that. And maybe plan to do things where Olly can be there with the two of you. Breaking up over a dog wouldn't be a wise thing to do. I hope things will change and you'll feel more secure in the relationship.

[Gratedwasabi]

Let me explain: I'm at university so am very pushed for time, however I just got a new job and had to buy some clothes last week as I had nothing to wear. I had 2 hours free on Thursday evening and asked him if he would like to come with me to pick them out. We had been shopping for 1/2 an hour and i was trying on some pants when he said to me "can you please hurry, I'm bored (this was to be expected) and I don't want to leave Olly at home on his own". Needless to say, we left then (pantless) and I wore a pair of ill-fitting faded pants on my first day of work. I don't think I made a good impression.

Have I done the wrong thing and am expecting too much? I'm so confused. I would really appreciate some feedback on this, e.g. what you would do in this situation, how would you react, etc.

Why did you drag your boyfriend to pick out clothes with you? Pro top: guys don't like being strolled around a clothing store like a dog on a chain. He should have declined, but I get the feeling you wouldn't have liked that.

You wore ill-fitting faded pants to work? My god.. what they must think of you... <-- sarcasm. No one cares except you.

Besides those things, you guys have some screwy relationships with your pets. He's weirdly needy and attached to his shared-custody dog. You feel threatened by that for some reason. It's all very odd. I suggest you make yourself less available to him for a while and watch how quickly he chooses kitty over doggy.

[vashti]

Joint custody of a DOG? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

People are freakin' crazy.

[devonbrown]

You are over-reacting to him wanting to get home to his dog instead of clothes shopping with you. You took him out on a chore for you, not on a date. He chose his dog over a chore, and not even one of his own chores. So keep that in mind.

As for his comments to you about being second fiddle to his dog, he may have just been trying to hurt you by saying that.

I know some people who think of their pets like they are their babies. If he is like that, you have to decide if you can deal with it. If you can't, then you have to have a sit down talk with him about boundaries, boarding the dog to go out, etc. If you don't like his answers, then it is time to move on.

Good luck.

[tjbella]

Why did you drag your boyfriend to pick out clothes with you? Pro top: guys don't like being strolled around a clothing store like a dog on a chain. He should have declined, but I get the feeling you wouldn't have liked that.

I feel obliged to say that the choice was entirely his in coming shopping. I get that men don't like shopping and would have been fine if he didn't come along. I simply asked if he would like to come along as he has recently had a knee reconstruction and has been complaining of being stuck at home. I realise that shopping might not have been a fun outing but he had the choice of not coming and not even staying with me while we were out.

[Gratedwasabi]

I feel obliged to say that the choice was entirely his in coming shopping. I get that men don't like shopping and would have been fine if he didn't come along. I simply asked if he would like to come along as he has recently had a knee reconstruction and has been complaining of being stuck at home. I realise that shopping might not have been a fun outing but he had the choice of not coming and not even staying with me while we were out.

Well, it sounds like he might be the one with the issues here, then. I hate giving the advice that you need to decide whether you can live with being second to his dog or move on and see if he changes his stance when you do and comes running back, but I think that's where you're at.

[oneandonly]

Joint custody of a DOG? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

People are freakin' crazy.

And I cannot believe how many threads I saw about 'joint custody of a dog'! Freaking unbelievable.

[hello1]

Is this a joke? joint custody of a dog!? you feeling second best to a dog...you letting your own pet run away during an argument?

This isn't a real post. Why would you let your dog run away, it is not about choosing between your partner or your dog but being responsible for a life (duh)