It's now or never

**4seasons** · 10-05-11, 03:38 AM

My girlfriend of 1.5 years just told me last night that I have until this Friday to decide about setting a wedding date in August. I posted a thread months ago about her previous ultimatums that have strained our relationship. She would eventually back down and we would resume trying to grow together until she would show additional resentment that we are not engaged. My gut instinct leads me to believe that once we got married, ultimatums over new situations would appear. I was hoping she would just let our relationship grow on it's own and not try to force it. She is done having children so a biological time clock is not the issue. She claims she is so certain that I am the man for the rest of her life, however, she is willing to risk loosing me with this deadline. Something doesn't feel right. Your help would be greatly appreciated. We would be much further along in our relationship if she just relaxed with everything and not given ultimatums in the past. My heart will be broken come Friday.

**bluesummer** · 10-05-11, 03:51 AM

She sounds like a control freak, and you're right....the ultimatums in this relationship will likely never end. She's mentally castrating you. Are you going to be okay spending the rest of your life like this, under the thumb of your partner and her petty 'ultimatums'?? Pretty soon she'll be withholding sex or threatening divorce if you don't do what she wants. Sounds terrible.

Therefore, my answer would be: NEVER.

**Sonrisa** · 10-05-11, 03:54 AM

blue, what if it's that important to her?

**VincenzoG91** · 10-05-11, 03:58 AM

OP, how old are you two? If you're in your early 20s, she is being extreme and unreasonable. But if the two of you are into your 30s, she doesn't have time to wait around forever for a commitment, she has a reasonable need to know if marriage is going to happen with you. If not, she needs to move on and find someone who shares her goals and dreams.

**bluesummer** · 10-05-11, 04:05 AM

Originally Posted by Sonrisa

blue, what if it's that important to her?

Maybe marriage is important to her, but the poster has stated that she has used 'ultimatums' on him before. Meaning this is just her way of controlling him.

If marriage is important to someone, all they should have to do is say "Hey, marriage is important to me. I want to be married withing x amount of years. If that's not something you want to do, we shouldn't carry on with this relationship." You don't give them a deadline to do what you want.

**VincenzoG91** · 10-05-11, 04:08 AM

Originally Posted by bluesummer

Maybe marriage is important to her, but the poster has stated that she has used 'ultimatums' on him before. Meaning this is just her way of controlling him.

If marriage is important to someone, all they should have to do is say "Hey, marriage is important to me. I want to be married withing x amount of years. If that's not something you want to do, we shouldn't carry on with this relationship." You don't give them a deadline to do what you want.

The only difference between what you're talking about and an ultimatum is the lack of an actual deadline. Some guys successfully string along women for years without ever proposing. The communication on both sides of this relationship does sound disrespectful. He won't give a clear indication of his intentions, and she is issuing ultimatums. I bet this relationship doesn't work out.

**4seasons** · 10-05-11, 04:11 AM

Marriage might be important to her. Her first ultimatum occured five months after we started dating. Since then, there have been more ultimatums, then she would back down. I would not want to put something out on the line like that with a chance of loosing it. Me, on the other hand, won't loose her if I make the most important decision of my life on Friday and set a date. The problem I have with this is that it is not even a joyful situation with her because she is resentful that she has had to wait this long. I have been married twice before and am part owner of a successful business. I have lost a lot in the past. I promised myself that I would take my next relationship slow. Why can't two people enjoy growing together and getting to know each other?

**bluesummer** · 10-05-11, 04:18 AM

I am extremely suspicious of women that are so insistent on marriage so early in a relationship. 1.5 years isn't that long.....how old is she?

If I were in your shoes, married twice already and owner of a successful business, I would be EXTREMELY cautious about getting into another marriage.

**jb1111983** · 10-05-11, 04:18 AM

Yeah she sounds like a control freak. You can't change that about her. So decide if she's worth spending the rest of your life with or not. A year and half is long enough for you to figure that out esp if you two aren't in your early 20s. So if you think she's worth it, nothing wrong in setting a wedding date. If not, you're gonna have to let go her. If she's in her late 20s or early 30s it's not unreasonable for to want to get married soon. Most women in that age don't wanna be in a relationship unless they know they'll eventually get married. You can't make her wait forever.

**4seasons** · 10-05-11, 04:39 AM

Thank you. I am not stringing her along. She knows that I love her. She knows that I want to be in an exclusive relationship with her. She has the power to hurt me if I don't succumb to her deadline. Come Friday, I believe I will have more of a broken heart than she will because she is willing to end the relationship. How does a woman who truly loves someone for the rest of her life have the ability to set a deadline. If she has had enough, then I am not the right one in my opinion.

**4seasons** · 10-05-11, 04:41 AM

She is 51 and never been married and has a 15 year old daughter. I am 52 years old with no children

**Sonrisa** · 10-05-11, 04:54 AM

does she make you happy?

**jb1111983** · 10-05-11, 05:03 AM

Originally Posted by 4seasons

She is 51 and never been married

Well that says something about her. She's never been married so doesn't know what it's like to see your marriage fail. Maybe that's what you need to make her understand that you really need to be ready before taking this big step because you want this one to last? (assuming you intend to marry her at some point). That you don't wanna make your past mistakes. And reassure her of your love for her. It's funny how women of all age need that assurance from time to time.

Giving in to her ultimatums won't be a very wise thing to do since it's likely to encourage her to come up with more in the future.

If nothing works I'm sorry you're very unlikely to have a healthy relationship with an inconsiderate woman.

**4seasons** · 10-05-11, 05:05 AM

For the most part I am happy with her. She can turn on a dime thou and play mind games. It can get emotionally exhausting. If she gets what she wants, we will have peace.

**wolfie91** · 10-05-11, 05:12 AM

I would be tempted to sit down with her and express your misgivings about the situation: honestly. The whole situation may stem from her insecurities and misunderstandings. If she thinks you are balking because you don't want to be exclusive with her, then her actions could be mitigated by cmmunication (potentially). However, if she is using this ultimatum--not out of fear or insecurity--but as a way to control the game, you will have to understand that this is part of her personality. The part, which you have mentioned, is emotionally exhausting. If you don't find a way to deal with THIS ultimatum, the next one won't be any easier.

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