Advice on sex life

[alexandraboo]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and our sex life has been okay, but I am not sure if its normal or not.
First issue I have is, He never makes me cum, its very rare he will take the time to do so.
I have recently had a baby, and he told me that because of my size during pregnancy sex wasnt very good for him, I have recently lost weight and have been going to the gym regularly to tone up plus some tanning session.
I feel like sometimes he just has sex with me to cum and get it over with, like a quickie, there are only certain times he will compliment me and make me feel good during sex.
Another thing is he keeps looking at porn, against me being hurt about it.
He used to want to have sex all the time, and initiate it, but he says I make it like a chore for him, like I pressure him into it. Not so much anymore, but I am a very sexually driven person, I am always wanting it, the attention, the passion from him. Sometimes sex ends up kind of awkword, since I am not stick thin, (not fat) just not super thin. He has told me before that my weight before kind of turned him off, but I since lost about 20 pounds for him, working out and eating better because I know it would turn him on more and make sex better if I was thin and more fit.
I just want to know if it is normal that he usualy just wants quickies?

[Archie]

He`s just being lazy. I guess if he`s a fetishist(i`ve no idea why some people think that`s something perverted, just a sidenote) you could try roleplaying. In your Ask a Male forum topic you mentioned he looks at older women - here`s a weird suggestion, try RPing Mother & Son. No matter how taboo that is, it might just be what clicks for him.

I guess you could research his desires and go from there.

[alexandraboo]

yeah I dunno I could try that, ive done a lot of stuff he likes. he says im hott and I turn him on.. so I guess it may be lazyness.

[VincenzoG91]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and our sex life has been okay, but I am not sure if its normal or not.
First issue I have is, He never makes me cum, its very rare he will take the time to do so.
I have recently had a baby, and he told me that because of my size during pregnancy sex wasnt very good for him, I have recently lost weight and have been going to the gym regularly to tone up plus some tanning session.
I feel like sometimes he just has sex with me to cum and get it over with, like a quickie, there are only certain times he will compliment me and make me feel good during sex.
Another thing is he keeps looking at porn, against me being hurt about it.
He used to want to have sex all the time, and initiate it, but he says I make it like a chore for him, like I pressure him into it. Not so much anymore, but I am a very sexually driven person, I am always wanting it, the attention, the passion from him. Sometimes sex ends up kind of awkword, since I am not stick thin, (not fat) just not super thin. He has told me before that my weight before kind of turned him off, but I since lost about 20 pounds for him, working out and eating better because I know it would turn him on more and make sex better if I was thin and more fit.
I just want to know if it is normal that he usualy just wants quickies?

1. Ask him for more foreplay. If he is too selfish to take care of your needs, he doesn't deserve to have his needs met.
2. Learn about your kegel muscles and start working on them. He has kegel muscles, too, and that could help with #1 above.
3. Forget about the porn issue, it's non-negotiable for men. You can shame him into hiding that he is looking at porn, but you're not going to get him to stop. Just keep in mind that he is most likely fantasizing about the sex and not the women.
4. I'm not sure what the deal is with the quickies. It seems like part of the overall problem is that you two are not connecting emotionally the way you did before the baby. Maybe work on improving the communication and start talking about the sex issues, the attraction and the overall relationship.

[alexandraboo]

he doesnt like to talk about things. Also why is the porn issue non negotiable? Last time I checked getting off by looking at another woman was infidelity secondly, we do do foreplay. I am not loose, if that is what you are suggesting by the kegal excercise thing, but I have been doing them. Our communication and attraction is fine. Also he doesnt look at porn for the sex, he mostly looks at pictures of naked women he has addmitted to fantasizing and pretending to **** them while masturbaiting, to me that is not really ok... especially when it hurts me so much.

[VincenzoG91]

Last time I checked getting off by looking at another woman was infidelity

This is incorrect. Infidelity is actually something completely different and you are exaggerating for the sake of drama.

[alexandraboo]

Excuse me!?
I dont see how having an orgasm to another woman In your mind, or being with her and having an orgasm is any different, the mind controls all and when it comes down to it, its like "I cant cheat on you, YET I can look at this girl and imagine ****ing the shit out of her and get away with it?" hahah Makes sense. You should really rethink what you are saying.

[ShellyZ]

Infidelity usually involves 2 people: your boyfriend and another woman. When he looks at porn, he's doing it by himself. It's only a picture of another woman. She's not real, she's not there with him, she's not touching him, talking to him, or interacting with him in any way. It's not possible to cheat on someone with a photograph.

What if he's watching a movie (not porn) and there is a beautiful actress in it, and he gets turned on? Is that infidelity? What if he is simply imagining a beautiful woman, without any visual stimuli, and he gets turned on just by thinking about it? Is that infidelity? Is he allowed to think about any woman other than you?

I hate to tell you this, but you can't cheat on someone with your mind. Imagining having sex with another woman is not infidelity. If that's your definition of infidelity, then every human being on this planet has been unfaithful to their partner. You don't get to tell him what he's allowed to think about. He's allowed to imagine whatever he wants, and he can do it while remaining faithful to you. Just like you're allowed to imagine whatever you want, and you can do it while remaining faithful to him.

For the record, I'm a woman and I understand that every guy I've dated has looked at porn. That's OK. In fact, I would think it was a little weird if they didn't. They never did it in my presence, of course, but in their private time, they're allowed to look at any pictures or videos they choose.

That said, I'm a little confused about these two statements that you made:

he doesnt like to talk about things.

Our communication and attraction is fine.

If he doesn't like to talk about things, then your communication is not fine. Also, please don't go tanning. It's really bad for you.

[pisces25]

Oh dear I sense another porn debate coming up...

OP fantasizing / imagining about another person in the mind is NOT cheating. Finding that person and '****ing the shit out her' as you so eloquently put it IS cheating. IMO your strong aversion to porn stems more from your own insecurities than porn itself. You feel uncomfortable that he watches it and gets off on slimmer women. Would you have the same problem if he was getting off to watching fuller women with cellulite, stretch marks and jiggly bits? Porn is fantasy. That is all.

I agree your BF is being lazy. And the fact he doesn't take your needs into account also means he is selfish as pointed out by Vincenzo. Also depending on how often he watches porn and masturbates this will affect how often he wants to have sex with you. More of the former and he won't require sex with you as much.

The only thing that is going to improve your situation is communication and by you telling him how you feel. No yelling or screaming but a mature, adult conversation. If he is not willing to change then I suggest you re-evaluate if that is the type of relationship you want to be in. Remember if he truly loves you he will do everything in his power to fix this issue.

As for the porn that isn't the main issue here and you will continue to go in circles if you focus on it. By him watching it you will feel worse about yourself, you will become more aggressive and wanting sex more (as validation that he finds you attractive) and he will become more and more disinclined to have sex with you because of this, thus he will instead watch porn and filling his needs that way instead. Can you see the vicious cycle? When sex becomes a chore it is NOT enjoyable. You need to try and get him back into the place where he WANTS to have sex with you. He needs to understand this and cooperate.

Good luck.

[alexandraboo]

Oh dear I sense another porn debate coming up...

OP fantasizing / imagining about another person in the mind is NOT cheating. Finding that person and '****ing the shit out her' as you so eloquently put it IS cheating. IMO your strong aversion to porn stems more from your own insecurities than porn itself. You feel uncomfortable that he watches it and gets off on slimmer women. Would you have the same problem if he was getting off to watching fuller women with cellulite, stretch marks and jiggly bits? Porn is fantasy. That is all.

I agree your BF is being lazy. And the fact he doesn't take your needs into account also means he is selfish as pointed out by Vincenzo. Also depending on how often he watches porn and masturbates this will affect how often he wants to have sex with you. More of the former and he won't require sex with you as much.

The only thing that is going to improve your situation is communication and by you telling him how you feel. No yelling or screaming but a mature, adult conversation. If he is not willing to change then I suggest you re-evaluate if that is the type of relationship you want to be in. Remember if he truly loves you he will do everything in his power to fix this issue.

As for the porn that isn't the main issue here and you will continue to go in circles if you focus on it. By him watching it you will feel worse about yourself, you will become more aggressive and wanting sex more (as validation that he finds you attractive) and he will become more and more disinclined to have sex with you because of this, thus he will instead watch porn and filling his needs that way instead. Can you see the vicious cycle? When sex becomes a chore it is NOT enjoyable. You need to try and get him back into the place where he WANTS to have sex with you. He needs to understand this and cooperate.

Good luck.

I agree completely, thank you for a logical true answer without insults.

I dont think he is cheating, I just feel really insecure, always have been. I am not fat, nor am I ugly. I know he finds me attractive, and he no longer feels sex is a chore. I have acted less interested in sex with him and he is now initiating it on his own like its driving him nuts I wont initiate sex with him. So I know if I deprive him he will come eventually. I just cant help but feel cheated by him watching girls that are fake standards for society these days. and you are right, if he watched fat girls, or ugly girls I would be like heh go ahead. and he has before hahah he has looked at like super old ladies with saggy boobs and ass and I was like heh I am smokin compaired to this chicky. I start back to work tomorrow full time, and I guess I wont be able to control it nor should I. If it affects our sex life, then I will have a word with him. But he if keeps sleeping with me, then I will have to just get over it. I work in a Adult store, so I cant imagine I should have issues with this, I help people everyday find what thet need to fix their sex life, be it videos, toys. Its more a jealousy insecurity thing I need to deal with on my part. Your answer helped me alot, Thank you very much.

[bulrush]

I just want to know if it is normal that he usualy just wants quickies?

It's not normal that he ALWAYS wants quickies, if that's the case. It's not good that he's ignoring your needs also. It's also bad that he won't discuss things like this with you.

I also wanted to weigh in on the porn issue. Just my opinion here. Porn is not always bad. It's bad if the other partner is not getting their needs met. By reading your other posts, it seems to me you have some self-esteem issues, that you might feel like you are in competition with a video image. Porn is just a fantasy, like the romance novels. If you think porn is cheating, then if you read romance novels, then you are cheating also. You can't have it both ways.

My point is, if you don't address your issues about porn (which may be self-esteem issues or simply how you were raised) you will continue to have major problems with relationships. Don't take my word for it, simply wait 20 years and see how things go. Just some friendly advice.

[lostnconfused22]

Im a girl I watch Porn on a regular basis. I know my BF does to. I do not let this worry me as I know this is just a fact of life. And how hypercritical of me to tell him to stop if i do it. Just because im watching porn means im cheating on him. Its a way to play out fantasies and get off but I still love him.