I need to hear women's thoughts on this

[emanresu]

Could some women please take a look at my "Please help" thread and let me know what you think?

Thank you.

[King Zarathu]

You aren't going to get anything from this dude.

Moms train their sons to be wussy bags and their daughters to be prude. They also train their daughters to be just like them.

You aren't going to get anything accurate here I should say.

{That isn't a slam to women--I'm just sharing my perspective on the situation}

[emanresu]

You aren't going to get anything from this dude.

Moms train their sons to be wussy bags and their daughters to be prude. They also train their daughters to be just like them.

You aren't going to get anything accurate here I should say.

{That isn't a slam to women--I'm just sharing my perspective on the situation}

Yet again, I think you see things perhaps unusually clearly for a guy your age. Nothing is accurate. Not even relativity or quantum physics. Not religion. Not psychology. However, I feel that, with what I have posted anyhow, it can help to get other perspectives, accurate or not. To live in isolation is antisocial and hard to get along. We can always learn from others, and are sometimes "wrong" ourselves if our behavior is hurting us or others (I think of the pebble in the pond) - making us less happy in some area of our lives. But, you know this. Sorry to preach.

[King Zarathu]

Oh.. I understand.

I'll go check your other thread and post a responce.

[misombra]

sk8er, you're not a woman so get out the damn way...

you need to leave the girl alone and give her time. move on. she only wants to be friends. you can't rekindle a relationship if there's no kindling.

[emanresu]

sk8er, you're not a woman so get out the damn way...

you need to leave the girl alone and give her time. move on. she only wants to be friends. you can't rekindle a relationship if there's no kindling.

I appreciate what you're saying. When I was not sure we should get together, she persisted to ask me to get together, not the other way around. She says she'd "like to see where the friendship leads". She says she "wavers between wanting to get back together (and missing many things we shared) and being afraid of going back to where we were, which is natural" but that she feels strongly compelled not to be more than friends. These sound to me like things that someone who feels they should be sure, but might not be sure, might say. What do you think?

I do appreciate that she needs time. I'm afraid that she will focus on the negative as she felt hurt from the breakup, etc., if I do not share how I feel and what I've recognized with her from time to time. You're right, though, I think all I can do is be patient and hope for the best for her, for me, and maybe for us.

Thank you.

[misombra]

she's confused. she's probably wondering whether the good outweighed the bad and vice versa. it's hard to just let people go after they've had a long history together. i think that time will tell, in the meantime don't hold on to this. you never know whether or not she'll change her mind. women are confusing, i know personally cause i am one, and sometimes they don't know what they want. but if she broke up with you it was because she wanted to move on and so you could do the same.

[emanresu]

she's confused. she's probably wondering whether the good outweighed the bad and vice versa. it's hard to just let people go after they've had a long history together. i think that time will tell, in the meantime don't hold on to this. you never know whether or not she'll change her mind. women are confusing, i know personally cause i am one, and sometimes they don't know what they want. but if she broke up with you it was because she wanted to move on and so you could do the same.

Thanks so much! It's good to hear a woman's perspective. I think you're right that she's confused and it's natural to wonder at times if the good could outweigh the bad. Time will tell - I agree.

I broke up with her. I broke up with her a few times as it seemed to me that she was unwilling or unable to empathize with how her behavior was affecting me. This seems to weigh heavily with her, as does the slap (and how angry and frustrated I eventually became as we got hours or days into arguements after months of the same types of things). I can understand this, and don't blame her.

I think the problem was rooted in my falling into her expectations. She was raised by a very difficult mom (with seemingly extremely high expectations and it seems plenty of nagging, yelling, demanding, and I think my ex said even pulling hair) after her dad died at her age 14. I think my ex avoided confrontation if she could, as she does with her mom if at all possible, and then became very defensive when I persisted that she was affecting me, while assuming I was doing things like trying to manipulate her when I was just asking questions (maybe her mom did this to her? may another boyfriend? maybe my tone of voice?). I think she heard too much of that growing up, and it doesn't help that she was often picked on as a kid and so was sensitive to me doing the same, she said. I think that, now that I better see that seemed to be what it was, I think I can approach our communications differently, not putting her on the defensive and nipping it all in the bud, to a degree.

I feel I need to demonstrate that to her and let her know I care and can be good for her, now, before she just meets someone else while holding onto the fear and the negative. I don't know how to do that, though? Maybe there's nothing I can do. Maybe meeting someone else might help somehow - I dated a bit recently just to find that it didn't feel right and to further evaluate what happened with me and my ex...what I could do to help things if the chance came up.

What do you think? I would really appreciate your perspective.

[misombra]

you won't change her mind. i think i said that earlier. i'm sure she's not focusing on only the negative. that's impossible, good with the bad...

it sounds like she has some issues to work out, and she won't do it with you around.

slapping her probably didn't help. i'm sure it served as a good lesson for you. but if it was getting to that point then you two definitely don't need to be around each other. i would suggest letting her come to you. don't call her, don't bug her, leave her to her thoughts and get on with your life. she'll appreciate it.

[emanresu]

you won't change her mind. i think i said that earlier. i'm sure she's not focusing on only the negative. that's impossible, good with the bad...

it sounds like she has some issues to work out, and she won't do it with you around.

slapping her probably didn't help. i'm sure it served as a good lesson for you. but if it was getting to that point then you two definitely don't need to be around each other. i would suggest letting her come to you. don't call her, don't bug her, leave her to her thoughts and get on with your life. she'll appreciate it.

Thanks. While I do think that my shift in perspective would nip things in the bud to a degree (so it could be, and is, good to be together), maybe you're right - just let her be. You did see that she has been the one trying to get together with me, right? I was reluctant for a while, but have been getting together with her, talking on the phone (she calls me, too), and emailing (she emails a LOT). It has been much better between us lately - even when talking about the relationship, it has been very good with no fighting, no frustration. I simply do not get near mentioning what she had to do with things and offer lots of support to her points. Would you recommend avoiding those attempts at contact, too?

Thanks for your consideration. It means a lot to me.

EDIT: Ah. You said let her come to you. My last question was a dumb question to ask you. Thanks again.

[misombra]

do you want to get back together with her?

[emanresu]

do you want to get back together with her?

Yes. I do.

[misombra]

well then keep talking to her. don't push things. give it some time. maybe now that you are apart you can take the time to reflect on things and work out some personal issues that you might be having and really talk and communicate without any pressure over things that you couldn't while you were together.

[emanresu]

well then keep talking to her. don't push things. give it some time. maybe now that you are apart you can take the time to reflect on things and work out some personal issues that you might be having and really talk and communicate without any pressure over things that you couldn't while you were together.

That sounds like good advice. As a woman, do you think there is hope considering what I've written in these two threads?

I appreciate your sharing your thoughts. Hope your new year is off to a good start

[misombra]

there's always hope.

same to you