First relationship after being widowed- is my new man a flake?

[halibut]

Greetings. I am very new to this sight, which I've found after surfing the net for answers to my dilemma below. Any thoughts would be very gratefully received!

I'm 42, was widowed a couple of years ago, after which I fell into a very dark place- and worked hard to come to terms with what had happened, and begin to find some peace. Though I was terribly lonely, I did not seek a new relationship until I'd had some serious healing under my belt. I was also very clear about the kind of connection I wanted- one based on friendship rather than romantic fantasy- something quiet, gentle, kind. Anyways. This past November, I met a man who said he was divorced, with three children. After a few dinners- out, though he seemed extremely eager and fond of me, a niggle in the back of my head prompted me to ask him if he was truly divorced, and if he was, in fact, still living with his wife. He answered, astounded, yes to both questions, justifying his lie by saying I wouldn't be interested if I knew the truth. They were, apparently, separated (initiated by her), but neither had been willing to leave the house (money was not an issue- he's an investment banker). I told him to contact me when he was truly single.

He moved out the following week and filed for divorce.

After six weeks, he called me again and we began to have dinner. Yes, he was very charming. Fine gifts, entertaining and searching conversations. He was certainly pressing for sex, but I was clear about wanting to see if the electricity between us was grounded by something deeper. I felt anxious about our dating, somehow, again, some kind of niggle I couldn't place- he told me I was being a worry wart.. Sigh. Let's see, it did start to get physical in March. At that point, a certain pattern- that I've never experienced before and I just don't know what to make of- became apparent. Our long honest and exploratory conversations on the phone ended. So did his emailing (he used to say how much he adored my writing). He inundated me with expensive lingere and talked to me mostly about sex. I'd see him maybe once a week for an intense steamy session, then he was away on work, or ensconced in his country house with his children. It's been like this ever since. When I see him, spend time with him, I melt and feel that I'm falling for him. He tells me at the end of our predictably-timed phonecalls, just before he's about to fall asleep at night, that he loves me. But as soon as we're apart, I don't trust it at all; something isn't feeling right, I even feel objectified, as if he's into me for sex, but not for my halibutness.

I don't know what to call this- it certainly ain't a relationship in my books. I've never been several months into 'dating' and feel this way. When I talk to him about it, he says I'm certainly not rebound girl, and let's see where this takes us. I wonder if this is his way of stringing me along. He's introduced me to his neighbours and is now mentioning that the time to meet his children is soon on the horizon. I don't want to meet the kids until he's divorced, and until I'm sure he's life partner material. And I'm not sure!

Here are my main doubts (I'm sorry this is long-winded):

He's fixated on appearance. He eroticises his relationship to women to the expense, I fear, of friendship, and I don't think he knows any better. I asked him out of the blue yesterday if he's used prostitutes (the fact that I inuited this is interesting) and he has- only, mind you, when he's not in a relationship! He makes cracks about my being a feminist when I've refused to dress up in the designer thongs he bought me. When I told him once I felt objectified, he retorted, 'Objectified! I hate that word!'

I work in the theatre and write for a living, and am surrounded by academics. He often comments, in a derogatory way, about intellectuals.

He does not arrange time with me over big occasions (Easter, my birthday) if this interferes with his time with his children.

The good points? I really like hanging out with him, when we do.

You might ask what the heck I'm still doing with him...? I confess I've lost my confidence since my husband died- and I'm finding it hard to tell if my intuitions are raising critical red flags- or if my lagging confidence is allowing me to make mountains over molehills. So I'm very confused, and feel I am not thinking clearly.

Sage words, please!


Halibut

[IndiReloaded]

First of all, I am terribly sorry for your loss. You sound like a remarkable woman and are coping admirably.

Second you're a kindred spirit, Halibut (I'm a longtime married woman also, FYI). I think you are very sensible and correct to be cautious. I would be exactly the same in your situation. Based on your concerns, I would continue to keep him at arms length. Especially regarding sex.

I wish I had more time to post but these red flags come to mind:

- he's already lied to you about his marital status.
- he's got a lot on his emotional plate getting a divorce (he says--I'd wait for the done deal), there is no way you can compete w/that drama
- he's not respecting you (comments about academics/intellectuals)

There's more but you are already aware of them, I'm just agreeing with you.

The largest concern for me, however, is the fact he's getting a divorce. Especially since he has children. I wonder what he's done in his marriage to drive it to this state? Cheated on his wife before, perhaps?

DON'T equate your single status as equivalent to his. You are a widow. You remained faithful to your partner until the end. In terms of moral status you are miles ahead of him. I can see why he desires you, but the only important question that matters: is he good for YOU?

Protect yourself. He gives me the heebie jeebies and I'm not even dating him.

[surfhb]

My first reaction is that there's 2 sides to every story. Are you sleeping with him? In a guys mind, this is the start of any relationship. He sounds as if he's keeping you at arms length just as you're him.

I'm a guy and agree....I'd never have a serious relationship with someone who still not divorced.

[hopeful2011]

I would not get involved with anyone who has used prostitutes. He sounds like a perv! I'm afraid he will use you only for sex and then move on when he's had enough. You deserve better.

[surfhb]

I would not get involved with anyone who has used prostitutes. He sounds like a perv! I'm afraid he will use you only for sex and then move on when he's had enough. You deserve better.

That rules out about 75% of all men