how much time is "normal" for a guy text back?

[shymaira]

When I first started my relationship with my boyfriend a few months ago, we would talk/txt everyday. He would write me back within minutes, if not hours, or the lastest the next day. He introduced me to his mom, his friends, etc., even told me he was sure he wanted to marry me and i figured he was serious.

Problem is, he's a workaholic. Now he's working 70 hours a week, (16 hours a day, He pretty much sleeps 6 hours a day) ...he is filling in for another employee who got fired until a replacement becomes available. Usually he txt msgs me every day or every other day, and sometimes he calls me for 15 minutes inbetween shifts.

But when I texted him 3 days ago just to say hi and see how he's doing, I never heard back from him.

If he was really into me, wouldn't he find a minute in his busy day to at least txt me back by now? The fact that he is showing silence, I feel like he doesn't care anymore. please some advice. am i over-reacting or, is this normal for guys?

[HeartIsAching]

I've had texts show up hours and even days after they were sent.

If I get a text from my wife, I usually answer it as quickly as possible. Just 'cuz...

With everyone else, it depends on who it is, and how much I care about my relationship with them.

[phoenixxavierre]

I personally think a day later reply would be normal, if not immediate or within a day, but 3 days of not taking one minute to text back and say "I'm okay, how are you?" isn't very considerate. You deserve a quicker response. That is, of course, assuming that he's okay.

[Cerby]

I sent a text to my gf while we were out for dinner together and the text never arrived, she got it 2 days later. Texting is simply unreliable.

But that said, he IS working 70 hours a week, but also should find time to contact you. When I'm stuck working a week of doubles I still call my gf, I might not see her at all, but I make sure to make contact when I can.

You should use your phone for its intended purpose and call, leave a voicemail if necessary.

[Boisdevie]

Why not go and see him if only for 10 minutes?

[Yet another guy]

I'm guessing that he didn't receive the message at all or read it at an inappropriate time and forgot about it much later when he would have had time to text back . He may have remembered about it but it would be a bit silly to answer a "hi" several days later.

[shymaira]

i think i am going to end it. no matter how busy it gets, he should have at least 1 minute to text me hello too. why do i always have to be the first one to text?

[Yet another guy]

It's probably for the best. He doesn't have the time that you need from him and you don't have much interest in him.

[JadenMia]

Yeah, i think if he is that busy it is understandable why he doesnt have time to text you back.. But you said he was your boyfriend of a couple months and he hadnt even contacted you nce in 3 days? I think that definitely shows he isnt really that interested. Just a quick call to see how you are doing would have been fine, but nothing in 3 days is not okay in my eyes. I think its probably in your best interest to leave too.
I am constantly busy, i work full time, single mother and i still have time to take a minute to call my interest once a day or so. Its not that much effort to ask for really. I would stop contacting him at all and see if he even bothers to contact you first. If he does voice your opinions and see where that goes.

[FwedFwintstone]

Should both partners be initiators, or is it expected of men to initiate the contact? Im going through something similar. My gf seems not to text me, and when she isn't giving me the silent treatment, takes forever to text back. Im just wondering if there's some etiquette about swallowing your pride and trying to be the bigger person and texting hoping you'll get through.

There are those that say this is the real world and people have problems. Then there are those that say too much chasing isn't any good. It's hard to find a balance. But my gf has said she feels Im smothering her... from three texts a day and seeing each other once a week (I respect her time, but doesn't mean I don't want to see how she's been during the day - so where this has come from I don't know - overzealous friends?). It's strange that my gf still really wants a relationship, but isn't doing any of the things it takes to actually have a relationship.

[shymaira]

it was actually my birthday today and he ended up sending me an email (but not calling). He said happy birthday birthday girl.!!! hope you have a very fun day and get everything you want, etc. i will give you your birthday gift when i see you (he was supposed to come down this weekend to see me since he lives about 8hours away). he said he was sick with the flu the past few days. had a 102 degree fever and was gonna go to the hospital but decided against it and sweated it out at home.
is that some sort of an excuse for not calling/texting me back? if you ask me, its LOUSY and BS. i'm actually tired of his excuses. this isn't the first time he's done this. Problem is, the last time he went missing in action, i didn't voice my opinion because everyone kept telling me how huge of a turn-off it is when a girl acts clingy and tells a guy to call more. So instead i pretended i'm not hurt and act normal when he calls back a few days later. now i feel like i've never got to communicate how i really feel inside and now i'm secretly resenting him for something that he may not even know that hurts me. may be he doesn't even have a clue how angry i am when he goes mia for a few days. how i can present this to him without bursting out or looking like a clingy fool - i haven't a clue. i haven't written him back and am thinking i will write back in a couple days when i have my thoughts gathered.

Fwed- to answer you question - i think you answered your pwn question when you said "it's strange that my gf still really wants a relationship, but isn't doing any of the things it takes to actually have a relationship"....i agree that its odd that when you text her 3 times a day she thinks you're smothering her. most girls would love their guy to text them 3 times a day...and once a week is NOT too much to see someone! i'm sorry too, but it doesn't seem she's that into you - or may be she is, but just wants to take things slow. I hope it works out for you. To answer your question about the chasing.... i myself like to be chased a little, but also love when a guy falls head over heels for me...especially when he doesn't normally do that for just any girl.

[Boisdevie]

It was your birthday and he was not there? I love my GF and would do everything to be there for her.The fact that he wasn't there for you is a big message -he simply does not carefor you

[FwedFwintstone]

It's easy when you're on the outside looking in.

Some will say we're being insecure in putting timeframes in place, but I don't think it's too much to ask in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship to expect your partner to text back within 24 hours.

In fairness, there are many reasons why they might not be able to text. They could be out of town, in meetings, they're just not attached to the phone. Some don't know what to say, have difficulty sharing, handle stress in different ways. But it really shouldn't be our responsibility to ask, it should be their responsibility to share.

As soon as you ask, you start sounding clingy and needy. But it's no reason for someone just to ignore you.

Sometimes you do have to show trust, and Im learning that the hard way. But I think it is reasonable to set a time limit saying "if you can't text after XX hours, can you really be bothered?".

Its hard not to be drawn into the question - are they playing mind games, can they be bothered, or are they simply just aloof and don't think that what they do impacts on anybody else?

For me alarm bells go off in my head when they can make time for everything and everyone else ahead of you, where your partner can text their other friends and leave you til last. That's when you start thinking something is up, and it becomes clear the insecurity is due to actual things that have happened and it's not in your head.

If they come across as being cold and distant, perhaps they're just a cold and distant person. Maybe a strong worded email leaving out the feelings. Say how you feel about them, what you like about them, but say factually what is bothering you (not how it makes you feel - put a business case forward that their lack of attention suggests they cannot be bothered and if that is the case, is there any point in the relationship? Ask what's wrong and what's changed).

They'll most likely come back saying it's all in your head, you need to relax, you're being insecure, making them feel smothered...

I haven't seen my gf for several weeks and I basically haven't figured in my girlfriends life. I'll give it another couple of weeks to see where things go, but it's looking pretty dodgy. But she's not telling me what's wrong, so there's nothing I can do. I don't know if she's depressed, ill, stressed, or upset. Im having to work to someone elses schedule with no information to go on. Its a pathetic situation.

[Cinnabella]

He should have time to reply to you, or else he's not that into you really. It's not very hard to reply before bed even, only he doesn't care enough to do it.

[chirping]

i think the future of your relationship should never be left to a text message. if you are worried, then see him or call him. i wouldn't advise you to make assumptions.