Insecurities, Jealousy & Immaturity

[kat93]

I need 100% honest opinions and advice from you girls.

I'm an insecure and jealous girl. I'm immature and need to grow up.

To be more specific...

With my insecurity and jealousy, I am very scared of losing the man I love. I don't like him being around other girls because I fear he might leave me or cheat on me. He hasn't cheated on me and currently we're on a "break" meaning that we consider ourselves single however still act as a couple. Recently, he just got rid of this girl from him life (she was a pen pal) who was flirting with him for four months. Before I knew of her, I was slowly getting confidence and over my insecurity until I found out about this chick and knew that she was flirting with him. I didn't feel comfortable with it and told him about it. He said he's not flirting back and actually was like an ass to her. He even showed me a few of their conversations while they were chatting. Additionally, he told me we was gonna get rid of her soon but never did. A month later (which was two weeks ago) I took matters into my own hands and acted like a sinister bitch just for him to finally get rid of him telling him that if he doesn't now, he'll never hear from me again. He said I was being unfair and evil, however I did warn him things would go ugly if he didn't get rid of her. He expects me to do that again. I won't, however, when he goes out with friends, he always dances and drinks with them, especially the girls. He's a ladies' man (gentleman to girls unless they are bitches he wants nothing to do with). But, he doesn't like to dance with me cause I'm so shy. I only come out when I'm high. He's been so patient and lenient with me, but now he's at the end of his rope.

With my immaturity, I'll be straight-forward. I'm a bitch. It runs in my family (mom's side I grew up with). All of us females are psycho maniacs when we're upset and take it out on the closest person to us which who in this case for me is the man I love. I've been abused my entire life - verbally, physically, emotionally and sexually - and neglected for most of it (my mom not included...she's trying to break the cycle and doesn't abuse me). This guy was actually the first person in my life to ever show me any kind of love, compassion and trustworthiness. He was my first real friend, first real relationship, and first lover. So obviously this makes him the closest person to me. I take out my anger on him and abuse him. I sadly don't realize it until later after he forgives me. I feel so horrible and I don't blame him for wanting to take himself out. He put our relationship on break at about 2 years and told me it's time for me to grow up and experience life.

My question is: what can i do to get rid of my insecurities, jealousy, and immaturity to save "us".

Additional information.. I'll be moving out of the country soon. He's gonna move too when he can since he wants to further his education and be with me as well. But it hurts mainly him so much knowing that the time to say goodbye for now is near.

[teeshaandamidah]

I'm that type of person like you and trust me it's not easy to be there. I lost not only a good boyfriend to that but also great friends

I think it's going to be difficult because it's going to take time for you to trust him again. Don't make him feel this way. Do something like sports games anything that will distract you or stop you from being like this all the time. Try your best to make things work now because you guys are going to move sooner and if it's not stable now it will never be when he'lll be away and it could end up as a break up. Did you tell him how you feel? Try to open to him about it maybe he'll understand it you won't be weak in his eyes. You'll take a step forward for your relationship. If there is nothing left to do then you'll have to move on but at least you would gain experience. If it's meant to be he'll comeback.

[Spring Haze]

Well, it's possible to transcend one's environment, even if the adult figures are maniacal, and/or abusive. Hard work and time is what it takes to get there though.

The fact that you have a long history of abuse that is infiltrating your life to this day, and taking a toll on your relationship, sorry to say, but you are going to need professional guidance.

[sadie_genie]

If you really do have a seriously abusive past then you have to get professional guidance. But other than that, insecurity, immaturity, and jealousy is really common. With time, experience, and self-reflection, you would mature and become more secure with yourself.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with ^ about the professional guidance comment. I highly recommend some councelling.

I can relate to your story and all I can say is you are going to destroy all your relationships if you don't start working on you. In my late teens/early 20's I was prone to extreme bouts of explosive anger. I actually felt like I was perpetually angry and had moments of happiness rather than the other way around (which is where I am now). It's taken ALOT of work to get where I am now. I actually surprise myself now if I do 'erupt', and I get over it within minutes or hours rather than days or weeks.

My first piece of advice, your lack of trust in your man is your problem and you have to stop it before you push him away. You need to reprogram your thought patterns. Any time you see a girl start talking to him, rather than think "he's going to leave me" force yourself to think "she can talk all she wants, he's mine and is going home with me". The trick here is jumping on every negative thought and replacing it with a positive one. The next trick is believing the positive thoughts.

On the anger front, before you get angry there is a trigger emotion. Usually frustration, irritation or embarrassment. You need to learn to take notice of this emotion and stop the negative thoughts before you slip into anger. Again, not easy, but worth the work.

Best of luck. Again, I can relate and it's taken over 10 years of solid work to not only have over come a lot of my issues but for my friends and family to see me as a calmer, happier and more secure person. Get some help, you have some baggage and a professional councelor can help you through that. If you want to improve, you will.

[alexandraboo]

I hate it even when my boyfriend looks at other naked women in porn, that is how jealous I am. hahah he doesnt even have any friends that are girls, other than gay ones, who wouldnt even like him hahahahahah

I am more pathetic than you. Dont even worry about it, its natural, he should accept it and love tha fact you are jealous... it means he means a lot to you.

[Spring Haze]

I am more pathetic than you. Dont even worry about it, its natural, he should accept it and love tha fact you are jealous... it means he means a lot to you.

Being a "sinister bitch" certainly is not "natural" and worthy of being accepted. There are plenty of healthy ways to show someone that they "mean a lot" - jealousy is not one of them.

The op views her situation as troublesome. Who are you to suggest that someone shrug off such high intensity emotions that are resulting in abusive behavior, and clearly harming her? Did you even read her post?

[surfhb]

Yeah....did someone just suggest to the OP to ignore the situation and treat it as
Something normal? OMG! Lol!!!