So she's finally gone.. and I'm barely keeping it together

[robFord]

I'm a mess. My ex left for London on Monday, I was with her and a friend at her parents' place helping her pack and just meandering and wallowing around until she had to leave for the airport. Things have turned become so awkward between us over the last few weeks. We barely spoke to each other, and I didn't really make any effort to see her.

Right before she left for the airport, I gave her an assortment of gifts, things that I knew would come in handy over there. She broke down into tears, but could barely look at me, she couldn't even muster any words to say to me.. just tears.

I don't know what I was expecting, I know I was hoping for her to tell me that she still loved me, and that although everything has turned to shit, that she I was still an important person in her life and she would miss me. I didn't get any of that.

She leafed through a notebook I got her and asked me "no notes?". I wrote about 10 letters, notes whatever, and eventually ripped them all out and threw them out. I felt it was too melodramatic to pour my heart out to her again.. what would be the point? She didn't get me anything, write me anything, like she had nothing to say to me at all.

I keep replaying all the events that have lead to this. All the times I acted too busy to see her, all the times I played up hanging with other girls to make her jealous. All the times we hung out and watched her pick up her phone and text the new guy she was seeing. All the times I would be at our friends' place where she was staying and realize that she wasn't coming home that night, and that she was at his place. It hurt too much to be around her, and I acted out and tried to hurt her as she's hurt me and that's lead us to where we are now, estranged, awkward and alien. There's nothing I can do now but I can't stop thinking about every single detail and what I could have done.

I keep telling myself that we broke up for a reason, and I know that it was the right thing to do. I know this. What makes this so hard is that I've completely lost the one person I've been able to open my life completely to. She was my first love, the insane "I can't believe this is real" love, and now when we think of each other, it's just painful. She's online now, I have her hidden on my chat list, but I still check it to see if she's there. We spoke briefly the other day after she landed, but it's awkward. I don't know if I should just block her completely and NC her. Is that the right thing to do? She's alone in a new continent, I don't want to shut her out.. but I can't stop thinking about her hoping she'll try to talk to me.

I think miss the idea of her more than her herself, but still I'm struggling to keep my shit together.

[Mathias]

You've done your part. I don't think it's a NC point (you're not getting back with her, but it would be nice to have her as a friend) - but you need to let her make the next move here.

Don't go overboard.