My problem or hers?

[sailorboy]

My wife and I have been married for nearly eight years and for the last few we just dont get along, sometimes its ok and we go for a walk or out for coffe, it just seems like we've lost the love part of the relationship. We're good as friends we just never cuddle or get intimate, and we only have sex if she's drunk which makes me feel like i'm ugly or something, (why else would she need beer goggles) so i guess that affects my confidence a bit but nothing like what she said the other day, and i quote: I think marrying you was the biggest mistake i've ever made, i never wanted to get married and now my life is wasted, i wanted to travel, not be stuck at home with two kids. (we were chatting about our relationship, not fighting) OK!!! I thought i'd done my best to make her happy, quit my job to care for the kids so she could study. I'll admit i'm not perfect but i get points for trying dont I? Anyway, we've been talking about separating, would have done it a very long time ago if it was'nt for the kids. but she does'nt want me to get a girlfriend if we do split because she wont be able to get back together with me if she ever wants too. which i just dont get because if you dont love me now, whats going to change in a few months or years?
I may be a bit different to you're average guy because i need to be loved, especialy in a phisical way, like cuddling, kissing, sex. i cant go on without it, where as she does'nt seem to think its all that important, which makes me want to find someone that will appreciate me and love me.
So, am i wrong to want a girlfriend when we split?
Should we not split for the sake of our kids and just live with it?
Should i not have botherd with this post?
Am i likely to find a girl that will accept and love me after being divorced?
I'm sure there are more questions but i'll leave it there for now.
Hope i havent bored you all to tears.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, any encouragement or help would be greatly appreciated.

[MaidenMinx]

You didn't bore me to tears but I nearly teared up at your last few questions.

What a horrible horrible thing for her to say!!!!! It sounds like she has given up to me.

Staying togetherjust for your kids will teach them that happiness isn't important. I hope this is a message you don't want your kids growing up with. (how old are they, by the way?)

If there is still some spark of fun left, if you both are willing to put in the work you can grow that. I think you woul need some couples therapy though to really make it work.

[chirping]

you always try harder when there are kids involved but not to the point of lying to yourselves and to the kids. kids are more sensitive than what we give them credit for. if they live in a miserable home or a home without love, the will grow thinking that it's okay to be in a loveless marriage. when you try, you really give it an honest try.

you are not wrong to want a gf after you split up but give it time. i'd say honor the three-month rule. it's just out of respect for her and the kids and the marriage you had. and also to give yourself time to think things over. you would be amazed at the things you will find out about yourself when you are alone.

[HeartIsAching]

she does'nt want me to get a girlfriend if we do split because she wont be able to get back together with me if she ever wants too.

Are you freaking kidding me? What a horrible controlling bitch. Frankly, it's long past time to ditch her.

Find someone else. Remember, the best revenge is living well.

[JadeCat]

Yes there is hope for you. Don't let your situation involve your kids. Kids are very aware and sensitive of what transpires between parents. It is a cycle that will continue in them, i.e. Finding loveless/emotionally uninvolved relationships. My children saw what happened between my ex-husband and I. I had my doubts like you. Who will love me? Is it even possible? Staying unattached in the hopes that he would be back, per his request. The kick in the teeth was finding out about the girls (and I mean girls him in his late 30's & them barely legal 21-23) he'd been entertaining. I'll pass onto you what a dear friend say to me when I, like you, had these questions. "Life is too short to be this miserable." Now 6 years later, I found my own happiness and contentment. I pray you do too. Having been in quite a similar situation I have no doubt you can overcome this, learn more about yourself, love yourself, and truly find a partner who values and cherishes you like you deserve.

[IndiReloaded]

Stick it out. This kind of thing (low sex, antagonism) is normal for couples around the 10 year mark. There are stages to marriage and this is a big one. If you can get through it, I promise you will both be very happy for it.

Other than some bitchiness on her part (and some neglect and frustration on yours, I'm sure), I don't see any real deal breakers here. Don't listen to the naysayers who either a) aren't married b) haven't made it through this period or c) are divorced (either them or their partner). Today's society is such a disposable one; there is value in sticking to one's commitment and working through problems.

FYI - I've been with my husband 20 years. First marriage, both of us. We went through a crappy period several years ago. Made it through; very happy now.

Read this, then post your thoughts. I have some advice for interacting with your wife when she gets all negative as well.

[url=http://www.songtime.com/sbc/sbcfivestagesofmarriage.htm]Five Stages of Marriage[/url]

[sailorboy]

Thank you all very much for the great advise, it means a lot to hear other peoples stories, encouragement and opinions when your going through a tough time.
Our kids are 5 and 3 yrs, old enough to sense that things are not right. the oldest one asked my wife if she was happy with daddy, and said that we should live in diferent houses. I was quite amazed that she can figure out whats going on, because we dont fight, not verbaly anyway.
And no, I wont be looking for a girlfriend as soon as we split, i think i'll take some time out for me, figure things out and decide where i want to go from there.

Thanks again for all you words of wisdom.

[HeartIsAching]

Heh... I didn't mean as soon as you split... but you should not discount the possibility for her whims.

[KittenClock]

My gosh, you must be at the bottom of everything right now if those are the kind of things she has been saying to you. And I understand if you want out now, it's perfectly natural if YOU want to be happy. You should think about what you want, and not what she wants. :3
However, if you two are going to split, you have to make sure you children understand fully what is going on. Maybe have a talk to them about it? I am a very young user of this website - but I have lived my life and I understand situations like this. I have been there as a child, however I was kept completely in the dark. Also, getting a new girlfriend. Think to yourself "Will my children be happy?"
Franky, I hate my mothers boyfriend. But he made her happy so I lived with him all these years. But sometime, I think I should have told her how I felt.

Hope is not lost however. I have a friend with divocred parents and she is perfectly fine. She still has a strong bond with both and it's a real treat when she can go and see her father! (:

I am sorry that is not really the advice you wanted. Listen to all those above, I would. However, please think about the two little joys in your life that will be there untill the day you die. <3

[IndiReloaded]

Don't give up. You owe it to your children. Tell your wife you aren't leaving and you want to spend a year in counselling. If you have to, suck it up and hold off on sex for the year. Many issues will resolve simply with time. BTW, this is true even if she is thinking about seeing someone else (just a guess).

Did you read the link I posted?? Print a copy for your wife as well. Ignore her negativity. In marital problems like this, someone has the be the adult and refuse to rise to the bait. That's how you break the cycle.

Good luck.