Domestic violence

[jayjay30]

that other thread got me thinking.

how many people know the signs of abuse.

most times the abuser doesnt want to admit he/she has a problem.
the victim doesnt want to say anything in fear of making things worse or ashamed what family and friends would say.

studies show that girls raised within domestic violence are more likely to end up in abusive relationships and boys raised are just as likely to end up in that type of relationshhip. Either they could become the victim or the abuser.

An abuser will blame it all on the victim saying things like 'you made me'...'if you love me...' (yes that is even something an abuser will say especially the manipulative ones). Some not all abusers also abuse drugs and alcohol.



abusers are men or women. but many men will not call the authorities because they are getting abused they will put up with it because of they are ashamed.

i was in not 1 but 2 very abusive relationships. I fought back and pressed charges. Victims need to know not to be afraid to call the authorities. Dont believe the 'i love you, i'll change' because it never does unless that person faces their problems and gets help.

just thought i'd share.

[ShellyZ]

Good post. I grew up with domestic violence but I am very careful not to end up in an abusive relationship because I saw how miserable my mom (and my entire family) was when I was a kid. I'm not paranoid, but I'm always on the lookout for signs of a quick temper in any guy I'm dating. If he shows any signs of violence, or any signs of not being able to control his temper, I'm gone. I've actually never dated a guy who had an anger problem, I always manage to find good guys, but I know what the signs are (thanks for teaching me, Dad) and I wouldn't tolerate that shit.

[HeartIsAching]

I am an abuser.

More accurately, I'm a recovering abuser. I know the signs the hard way now - I went to jail, plead guilty at my arraignment, and went to my court-ordered 52-week Domestic Violence Intervention class, my 16-week Parenting Without
Violence class and my 12-week substance abuse class, and I've learned better. It will take me a lifetime of effort to overcome the lifetime of training and habits I've already got, but it's worth it. I'm a better man now than I was a couple of years ago.

Violence IS done by both men and women, and not all violence is physical. Most in fact, is not. Screaming, throwing/breaking objects, punching walls, put-downs and so much more are all forms of violence and controlling behavior that are not physically hurtful to the other, but are still violent and unacceptable.

My last relationship was toxic. I had last hit another person when I was 16 - it was my younger brother, and I hurt him badly. I vowed that I'd never hit another person smaller than myself, and I didn't until I was 34. My ex and I were screaming at each other, and she hit me. Instead of picking up the phone, I hit her back. To make a long story short, she called the cops. Cops came out and they told us that we were both in danger of going to jail.

Fast forward 8 years - I went to jail. She will never take responsibility for her actions nor acknowledge that she has abusive behaviors, and that bothers me, as our son is growing up in that environment now.

I'm better now, and striving to be better every day.

Approximately 4 months into my DV classes, I had an epiphany - I REALLY DID need those classes. I had been feeling victimized, feeling like I didn't belong there, planning to put in my time and go my way. Suddenly I was motivated to learn, to do better, become better. Three months later, the love of my life called and told me she'd finally found the strength to free herself of her abusive ex

A year and a bit after I got convicted, the love of my life called me and told me she'd finally freed herself of her abusive ex, and I understood why I'd needed to learn better. I had a second shot at the woman I'd fallen in love with 20 years before, and I needed to learn things before I could have a healthy and happy relationship with her.

I'm glad I got arrested.

[jayjay30]

I am an abuser.

More accurately, I'm a recovering abuser. I know the signs the hard way now - I went to jail, plead guilty at my arraignment, and went to my court-ordered 52-week Domestic Violence Intervention class, my 16-week Parenting Without
Violence class and my 12-week substance abuse class, and I've learned better. It will take me a lifetime of effort to overcome the lifetime of training and habits I've already got, but it's worth it. I'm a better man now than I was a couple of years ago.

Violence IS done by both men and women, and not all violence is physical. Most in fact, is not. Screaming, throwing/breaking objects, punching walls, put-downs and so much more are all forms of violence and controlling behavior that are not physically hurtful to the other, but are still violent and unacceptable.

My last relationship was toxic. I had last hit another person when I was 16 - it was my younger brother, and I hurt him badly. I vowed that I'd never hit another person smaller than myself, and I didn't until I was 34. My ex and I were screaming at each other, and she hit me. Instead of picking up the phone, I hit her back. To make a long story short, she called the cops. Cops came out and they told us that we were both in danger of going to jail.

Fast forward 8 years - I went to jail. She will never take responsibility for her actions nor acknowledge that she has abusive behaviors, and that bothers me, as our son is growing up in that environment now.

I'm better now, and striving to be better every day.

Approximately 4 months into my DV classes, I had an epiphany - I REALLY DID need those classes. I had been feeling victimized, feeling like I didn't belong there, planning to put in my time and go my way. Suddenly I was motivated to learn, to do better, become better. Three months later, the love of my life called and told me she'd finally found the strength to free herself of her abusive ex

A year and a bit after I got convicted, the love of my life called me and told me she'd finally freed herself of her abusive ex, and I understood why I'd needed to learn better. I had a second shot at the woman I'd fallen in love with 20 years before, and I needed to learn things before I could have a healthy and happy relationship with her.

I'm glad I got arrested.

you my friend are one of the very few successes. congrats.

[JadenMia]

Thanks for posting!!

It is so important people know about this and understand when it has gone from relationship problems onto abuse.

I have been in 2 abusive relationships also. Both very different types of abuse though.
The first (my daughters dad) was very obviously abusive and angry. it wasnt hard for me to see how it was going and to leave. He used to absolutely LOSE his mind over stupid things, silly arguments, little comments etc.. He would go into a rage, throw things around break all our belongings etc. I didnt leave until the first time he hit me in the face. Not once but over and over until i was black and blue. I left with no problems and no turning back but i wish i would have pressed charges. Teach that prick a lesson!

The second time over was extremely different. He was almost sneaky, if you will. He would call me names, make fun of me and the things i was interested in. If we argued or he was moody he would hurt me in small ways. Punch my leg, or poke me hard in the face and slightly choke me. He would always put his fist in my face as if he was losing control but couldnt quite hit me in the face. But then was SO loving towards me at other times. And would blame my behaviour for the things he did. I cant believe i went through the whole relationship trying to better myself for him.. What was i thinking..

A question!
What do you think tell tale signs are of an abuser? I thought at the beginning both men were okay and really nice guys. But then as time went on the true colours showed.
I have met someone else, and i do not think he is ANY way an abuser. But considering my past.. You can never know right?

Thanks again for posting. Too many people are in abusive relationships.. and dont see the importance of leaving their abuser or not feeling the strength to do so. I have never felt better since i did. I didnt think i could do it... but i did! And WOW is life so simple now.. not to mention how proud i am of myself.

[jayjay30]

from my experience.

1. nit pickers-slightest thing annoys them
2. must pick place you go to and demands you behave a certain way.
3. tells you that your friends dont like him/her.

[JadenMia]

from my experience.

1. nit pickers-slightest thing annoys them
2. must pick place you go to and demands you behave a certain way.
3. tells you that your friends dont like him/her.

Yeah, that sounds familiar. lol Although that kind of behaviour for me didnt start until quite a bit into the relationship. With the first he would just go into sulking moods and get easily upset at stupid things. It felt like i had to baby him all the time if that makes sense..
With the 2nd, i noticed he was very jealous. Any man i spoke to he would say i was acting inappropriately and flirting saying that other people could see it too when i highly doubt it. lol He was a big into drugs when i met him.. After a while he stopped all the drugs except weed. He was never not high and claimed he couldnt function without it. Probably where the paranoia came from im guessing..

This guy is completely not my type and i have surprised the people who know me most by seeing him! lol Im thinking this is a good thing considering my past preferences. He is very laid back, doesnt do drugs, drinks occasionally like i do myself. Things are good right now but i still always stay very aware.

[jayjay30]

i cant deal with jealous guys. im naturally flirty. i dont even try to be. so my exes where always jealous always accusing me of cheating. they both tried to beat me into a submissive mindless person. but im smart, a loud mouth, a fighter, flirt, easy going, fun loving, unique person. I wont change for anybody. my 2nd abusive relationship i was pregnant with my 3 year old daughter in labor and he wasnt even with me anymore. i was on my front porch and he literally attacked me(i was in labor), i was just relaxing. I fought like a mad woman not only for me but my children, i busted his ear drum gave him a black eye and knocked him over the railing. the cops came, he tried to press charges but i had a black eye a broken tooth and i was in labor and witnesses that he had attacked me. He fought the cops got body slammed and pepper sprayed.

another thing i learned some abusers tend to become stalkers.

[DoesntMatter]

The thought of being in an abusive relationship is so incredibly stupid

[HeartIsAching]

i cant deal with jealous guys. im naturally flirty. i dont even try to be. so my exes where always jealous always accusing me of cheating. they both tried to beat me into a submissive mindless person. but im smart, a loud mouth, a fighter, flirt, easy going, fun loving, unique person. I wont change for anybody. my 2nd abusive relationship i was pregnant with my 3 year old daughter in labor and he wasnt even with me anymore. i was on my front porch and he literally attacked me(i was in labor), i was just relaxing. I fought like a mad woman not only for me but my children, i busted his ear drum gave him a black eye and knocked him over the railing. the cops came, he tried to press charges but i had a black eye a broken tooth and i was in labor and witnesses that he had attacked me. He fought the cops got body slammed and pepper sprayed.

another thing i learned some abusers tend to become stalkers.

That's awesome.

[JadenMia]

i cant deal with jealous guys. im naturally flirty. i dont even try to be. so my exes where always jealous always accusing me of cheating. they both tried to beat me into a submissive mindless person. but im smart, a loud mouth, a fighter, flirt, easy going, fun loving, unique person. I wont change for anybody. my 2nd abusive relationship i was pregnant with my 3 year old daughter in labor and he wasnt even with me anymore. i was on my front porch and he literally attacked me(i was in labor), i was just relaxing. I fought like a mad woman not only for me but my children, i busted his ear drum gave him a black eye and knocked him over the railing. the cops came, he tried to press charges but i had a black eye a broken tooth and i was in labor and witnesses that he had attacked me. He fought the cops got body slammed and pepper sprayed.

another thing i learned some abusers tend to become stalkers.

Haha YES! Thats awesome.
Mother instinct comes into play here too i believe, i have been in the same (kind of) situation. Somebody from work text my phone on his birthday. Just saying 'hey whatsup'.. My daughter was in bed and he started raging on about it, i just tried to ignore it at first but he got worse and worse to the point of him trying to take my phone away. Well he was pulling my hair in one direction and my phone in the other and saying he was going to kick me and my daughter out onto the streets in 40 below weather... I was kicking and thrashing and trying to bear the pain as well as not letting him take my phone. I kicked him in the hand by accident but it snapped his fingers and a bone in his hand.
When i left him he tried to bring that up and act as though i was the abusive one.. I was in awe, how could he possibly think i was going to sit back and let him do those kind of things and not push me over the limit. While he was in agony i just grabbed my stuff and my girl and ran out of there.
I think there comes a certain point where you just completely lose the plot and do fight back like a mad woman.
You sound just like me, i am very strong, flirty/friendly and cannot back down to these kind of things. Emotionally yes, i am weak in that sense. But when he was physical with me i would only take so much before i lost my rag too.

I will never ever go back to that situation.. It shocks me myself i stayed for so long..
Do you feel like a stronger person now, having to go through that? And most importantly getting through that? Or emotionally scarred and affected by it?

[jayjay30]

im in counseling to deal with my issues trusting men now. i am with my current and he can be controlling sometimes we bicker and most of the time he backs down. I am a stronger person because i wont let a man take control of my life again. I have also been through way worse with those two exes both of them attacked and raped me after i broke up with them. yes charges where pressed but they got a slap on the wrist. its sad when people can harm and damage other people and get away with it. BUT i have perm order of protection against both.