Commitment Phobe Ex wanting to be friends

[sunshine suki]

Hi everyone!

Long story short:

After a one year smooth relationship (in which I gave my heart and soul), my boyfriend called it quit because I had 'the talk' with him on commitment. Wow!
His excuse on the spot was that he needed to sort things out, he didn't knew what he wanted for his life. Hum..

After a pretty emotional break up, he asked for us to stay friends and I said yes.
Eventhough I accepted the friendship request, I went NC from day one after the break up.
I really had no interest in talking with him or seeing him. I just needed to heal and get rational.

He called me after a week, asking if I was ok and wanting to some chatting. I said I was ok and had a really short talk with him. I didn't felt like going through my feelings and thoughts with him at all. He told me he was missing me.. sometimes.

He called again after a week and suggested that we hang out together, on 'friendly' terms. His way of saying it drove me crazy.. ''let's just hang out since we are friends!'' My gut feeling was telling me that he wanted a little ego boost and possibly a friends with benefits thing. I told him I was not ready to meet him up yet 'on friendly terms'. He told me, 'ok, I respect that'. On the spot, I thought it was pretty unsensitive to bring the idea of a friendly meeting right away.

A week later, he called again. I couldn't talk long because I was working so he tried to call me back twice during this week-end. He got my answering machine and I never called back.

Then, a week after that - he calls out of nowhere, around 11 p.m. and start asking me questions again to check out if 'I was ok' and if I was angry at him. He started thanking me for some things I did for him while being in the relationship and... he ask me if I want him to come get his stuff at my place (some unimportant stuff like tshirts, cds and socks..), I said yes but I replied.. 'now'? ''Yes'' he said. He wanted to come pick his things at 11 p.m. at my place? What? Anyway, I turned him down and told him to come during the week-end.

I also told him that I didn't want to remain friends with him even though I've previously accepted his friendship when we broke up. He seemed pretty disappointed and asked if we could be friends in the future.. I said I didn't know.

What do you think of this situation? Is it better for me to pull out completely? Thanks!

[abn25]

In this situation you totally were honest with yourself and him, and the way you felt in the relationship. Only you can know if you want to be friends but I agree it seems pointless if it's not going to go anywhere. Maybe just keep talking seeing if he has a change of heart now that you're gone which it seems he has. Men like to think they can keep going along like nothing is wrong and then you say one thing about where things are at and they either get bent out of shape or even want to end things, so you're title is fitting. Keep up the good work.

[DarkHelmet82]

it seems like you accpeted the breakup more than he did.. and he was the one breaking up with you! whats the trick.. i would love to be able to do that...

[sunshine suki]

The trick is called Self-Respect.

DarHelmet82, why keep spending time and precious energy for someone who is not interested and doesn't respect you?
Don't get me wronng here, I have done more than a lot in this relationship, accomodating him a lot, arranging my schedule for him, etc..

Now, when he told me he 'wasn't sure'.. I just had to back off COMPLETELY.

But I guess he really though I was going to be as gentle, sweet and loving as before the break up.. because I was so 'smitten'... well I'm not.
He wants something else for his life, he doesn't want to commit, he wants to be free.. Well was entitled to regain my complete freedom too, in order to move on and be available for better things in my life.

I don't want this guy to be in my life if he doesn't think I'm good enough to be committed to, whatever his reasons are, they belong to him.

[DarkHelmet82]

well i wouldnt say she doesnt respect me or want to be with me... ill kno in a couple weeks... but in yoir situation i would just cut him out at least for a couple months... sometimes you give someone an inch and they take a yard

[RB7]

I think you handled that very well.