I really don´t know what´s going on...

[fredric]

Hello there... I found this forum while browsing the internet and looking for a solution and I´m really glad that I can share my problem and maybe get some opinions from other people because I really don´t know how to solve it anymore...
My girlfriend and I are both 22 years old. We met almost exactly three years ago and started going out and stuff (not really dating). From the first moment I was really attracted to her, so I was kind of hesitating a little (didn´t want to ruin it) - also because she wasn´t really giving me "hints" that she would like it to be something more. However after like 2 months I finally decided to tell her how I feel and surprisingly she felt the same way (or she told me that) and we "oficially" started dating.
She was a virgin. I didn´t see that like a problem at all. I told her, that when she feels like we will do it and I won´t be pushing her or anything. That was all in the summer, we spent quite a lot of time together and really it was just about kisses and stuff like that for 3 months. But I didn´t mind it. As I said, I really loved her and this wasn´t an issue for me.
After summer she was going to study in another town only coming back for weekends. I was pretty scared of that. Day before she left, we had sex in my car. We started slowly, undressed her, kissed her nipples and touched her "there". She told me she ain´t really feeling anything but let´s do it. So we actually did... She told me it hurts, and that we will work on that so we can have a nice sexual relationship. I blamed myself, maybe I should´ve waited more and stuff but.. what´s done is done.
Anyway, she came home for weekends and we tried to have sex but somehow it was alway me who initiated it. I tried really hard : nice dinner, flowers, massage ... But like 6/10 time she just refused me. The other times it kept hurting her. So she went to a doctor.. Two doctors in fact - and the results were that she´s completely healthy...
After a while I stopped having sex with her. We tried different methods (like oral sex, or with hands etc.) because I didn´t want to hurt her. Don´t get this wrong, I didn´t and do see the fact that we can´t have "penetrative" sex as a problem or a reason to dump her or to argue with her or anything - people are just different and I accepted that cause I felt so much attracted to her (not just appearance but overall personality, laughing to same things etc.)
After a couple of moths of handjobs I asked her if we could try oral sex. When she put my penis in her mouth for the first time I thought she would puke or something... She said "I never want to do this again". I was really confused because in my opinion if you really really love someone and you are attracted to him/her there really shouldn´t be such issues like to be disgusted by your partners genitals. This was about 2 years ago really, or 1,5 years.
After another while, she kind of managed to "suck it" but it really didn´t feel good (for me). There was no passion, no nothing. And I´m really a passionate person, I always tried (and really almost always managed) to make her enjoy the moment, to have an orgasm, to feel like she´s the one for me and that I care about her FIRST. And yes I did care for her needs first... Always.
After some time I felt weird about the fact that she never approached me in a "seductive" way. I thought the problem is that maybe she needs a different enviroment or something (we were meeting in her flat when her mother was at work, or at my place). So we went off for a trip, spent 4 days in a nice little cottage... Alone... And nothing changed... I mean she put some sexy clothes on, but it just still looked like I´m forcing her ... And it made me wonder : am I ugly, is my penis ugly, is there something wrong with me? It made me wonder even more, because I always felt that girls think I´m quite attractive and I never had this kind of problem before. I mean, she always had an orgams, but only from me playing with her clitoris.
I talked to her about it and she told me she loved me and likes me a lot and that she thinks I´m attractive and everything. When I asked her what is the problem than, she answered that she doesn´t know and looked really offended, almost cried.
Altogether we´ve been together for three years. Took her out for another trip after some time but it was the same. Always I had to approach her and even then it took her a while to actually start doing something. It also took her quite a while to let me give her oral pleasure... Told me it´s disgusting. I was really surprised.. I mean for me it´s the exact oposite of disgusting... I don´t know but from my point of view when you "love" you love the person as a whole, totally and completely.
A lot of times we were seeing each other like 1-2 a week, or even once in 2 weeks ... But even though I felt so much passion in me after that much time apart, I couldn´t wait to hug and kiss her and make her happy... It looked like she doesn´t feel the same way.
Well.. Two days ago I told her we shouldn´t be seeing each other anymore, because I feel she doesn´t love me like a girl loves a man. I cried like a little girl because I felt so dirty using this as a reason but I just don´t think that this is natural. It didn´t move her at all (she kinda didn´t show any emotions), just told me it was a nice time together and maybe one day we´ll return to each other.
I was really confused, I mean... We talked this over many times and I thought she would understand that I need to see that she wants me, as a man.. and not as a friend.
The point is that, she grew up only with her mom... and at the beginning she was really like "men are assholes" and stuff.. She even told me, that she thinks I´m only with her to f-ck her (pardon me, that´s a quotation) - that was at the beginning. She has sleepovers once in a while with her best friend (a girl) who apparently has a normal sexual relationship with her boyfriend. It made me wonder if she doesn´t like girls more than guys and is just scared to show it or something...
I mean... please tell me what you guys think.. I tried everthing to solve this, really. But it looks like she loves me only "with her words" and not with her body. Sometimes she complained that after so long time she would expect me to live with her, or engage her etc. I was thinking about it quite a lot but all this issues made me wonder if this is the right type of a relationship, the right approach a woman has towards a man she wants to spend the rest of her life with ...
After the conversation we had I thought that I made myself clear and that if she really is in love with me, she would at least SAY something like : we can work this out, we´ll try something or whatever... But she didn´t.
It really hit me hard, all this, because even though we´re apart and all this I still love her...

[ShellyZ]

Seems like she's just very shy and cautious about sexual stuff. Some girls take a really long time to feel ready for all that, and she may have been overwhelmed. As someone who hates giving blowjobs, I can tell you that it has nothing to do with her feelings for you. I've been in love before, but even when I'm crazy in love with the guy and attracted to him and he turns me on, I still hate having a penis in my mouth. It's not because I don't love the guy. Some women just don't like it. Try not to take it personally. (The reason there was no passion when she gave you oral is because she didn't want to do it. When you're trying to do something that you hate, there's no way to be enthusiastic about it.)

[fredric]

Yes well, I was thinking about it from many aspects. But three years is a lot of time even if you´re taking it very slowly I guess...

[ShellyZ]

If it makes you feel any better, I dated my college boyfriend for 2.5 years and we never had sex and I never gave him a blowjob. I loved him and I know he loved me, I just wasn't ready. I was 18-20 at the time. Some girls take things VERY slow.

[pisces25]

Sounds like she may have some skewed ideas on what sex is and this could stem from her attitude about men being assholes and only there to f**k women. She might have a mental block and can't enjoy it. If this is the case she might need to professional help. I doubt it is you.