He needs closure with her??

[llnuesca]

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been going out for about three years now... We have a really good relationship whenever we're not stuck in a rut... but right now, we happen to be stuck in one.

Two days ago we got into a little argument that blew up to become a bigger issue. I'm hurt, heart broken, and possibly reaching to the point where I'm going numb (metaphorically speaking). I found out he contacted his ex girlfriend through an email, and I asked him about it. At first, he'd gotten really defensive and told me it was between them only... But he eventually told me that he wanted to know about her life, and all of that for his personal satisfaction. I felt uncomfortable with that, because I honestly don't handle ex girlfriends well (although they've hardly been a problem).

It's been eating me up for the past few days and we had to talk about it many times. Only this morning did he say that he actually needed closure with her... Their relationship happened further than three years ago, probably maybe even 5 or 6. I'm having my doubts... you know? I don't know if it is actual closure he wants, or if it's actually her that he wants. I know I sound like an insecure little girl... but with how these past few days have been going, I can't help it.

I want to trust him when he says he doesn't want to reconcile or rekindle any relationship with her... I really want to trust him. But it's been 5 years since they've actually been in a relationship with each other and it confuses me... because all he talked about was her being an awful girlfriend and how she hurt him so much when they were together.

Is it normal for him to want this closure all of a sudden even though it's been so long? I don't understand why he's still curious about what happened with their relationship when he's already with me. He says he loves me and he cares about us so much, that it's not her directly, but what she did to him... he's afraid that her after affects on him is making him act the way he acting toward me (cold, distant, unattached).

Today is my birthday as well... and the first thing he brought up was her, and his need for closure. I didn't get a happy birthday until I told him it was my birthday. All I wanted was a sincere happy birthday wish.. you know. I don't want to sound selfish, but I feel like the ex girlfriend problem, and the exgirlfriend in general has been put before me. I just don't know what to think or do. Help please?

[tremolo]

I think you have a right to feel insecure about this. I can't tell you whether he wants closure or the girl, but I would be very hurt if he forgot my birthday and was thinking about his ex instead. I don't deal well with exes either, nor do I think it's appropriate to contact one's exes - unless there is some important reason to - while one is in a committed relationship. I never got closure from my exes, but I wouldn't go seeking it because I feel that this would be wrong and might hurt my current boyfriend if he found out. And anyway, I don't want any of my exes - only my boyfriend - so I can't really see the point anyway. What seems clear is that the ex still matters to your boyfriend, and that is a dangerous place to be.

[oldskool83]

HE wants to get with her or at least try. why would i contact an ex if i felt the need to. cuz im pissed off in my current relationship and prob want out. but i dont opperate that why...thats just the what the normal guy will do.