5-year relationship...Should I end it?

[selflearned]

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. We are both 23 years old. Recently though, we haven't been as close as we have in the past and I have started to feel like I no longer love her. There are a lot of reasons for me thinking this way.

We started dating the summer we graduated high school. We didn't start out going to the same colleges, but after 2 years, we ended up at the same college. After 3 years, we pretty much started living together. We both have our own apartments, but I basically use mine as a storage unit and don't actually live there. Up until about a year ago, I couldn't have been happier. I "knew" she was the girl I wanted to be with the rest of my life. Sure, we had our ups and downs along the way, but were still together and happy.

This is when things started slowly going downhill, or when I first realized things weren't as good as I wanted to believe.

Before we started "living" together, we aways would stay together at either one of our apartments. She didn't like coming over to mine very often because my cleaning standards, being a college guy, were quite a bit less than hers. She is honestly a clean freak. After a few months of staying with each other, it gradually turned into me staying at her place every night. After a few more months of that, it turned in to me just living with her at her place. Now, when this was all happening, I felt uncomfortable about always staying at her place and asked her about it. She said it was fine and that she wanted me to stay with her. So, I left it at that because I wanted to stay with her too. Now, before you start thinking, "Why didn't you just get a place together instead of having separate apartments?", her parents are very conservative and strict. Even though we pretty much do live together, she doesn't want her parents to even know we've ever slept in the same bed. That's fine I suppose...

Again, this is after being together for a little more than 3 years. For the next year or so "living" together, our relationship was still pretty great.

After around 4 years, the differences between us were more and more evident to me and I gradually started becoming more and more annoyed with her. This is just going to be a rather long list of things I can think of and may not fit in any timeline or follow any sort of structure...

First, ever since we started staying together, she would always "nag" me about not helping around the apartment with the cleaning. I helped when I could, but honestly, when I'm in school and working 30-40 hours a week to pay for an apartment I don't even use, I don't have a lot of time for cleaning, and the time I do have, I'd rather just use to relax. We did, and still do take turns doing the dishes, but for the other cleaning, I rarely helped. I understood where she was coming from, but she didn't even have a job. Everything she needed was payed for by her parents so she had at least 30 extra hours per week to clean to her heart's content.

Second, she would complain a lot about me working so much. Mainly because my grades were suffering because I had to work so much to pay the bills I had, but also because I didn't have a lot of time to do stuff with her. This was something that really made me mad. I'm working so much to pay the bills I have each month because I pay for things myself. What's worse is the major monthly bill I have is for an apartment that I don't even use because she wants me to stay with her.

Third, she doesn't like me having a credit card. I got the card mainly as an emergency sort of thing if for some reason I didn't have enough cash for food or gas each month. Now what annoys me about this is, the reason why she doesn't like me having a credit card. It's not because she is against credit cards. It's because her parents are against credit cards. She has told me on occasion to never mention to any of her family members that I have a credit card because they will "hate" me. Okay, my credit card is our little secret...

Fourth, we don't go to church enough. We both grew up in church going families. When I moved out of my parents house, I stopped going to church. This was my decision, because I never really liked going in the first place. Of course, my parents didn't like it that I didn't go, but hey, its my decision. Now, for my girlfriend, she did the same. When she moved out and went to college, she never went to church. For the first 3-4 years of us dating, she never went and never even mentioned anything about wanting to go. Then, it was like all of a sudden she just wanted to start going to church. Now, this wasn't because she wanted to. It was because her and her dad got into a fight about her not going. She said it was because we need to find a church so when we get married, we will have a church to get married in, but it was only because of her parents.

Fifth, she doesn't like that I use chewing tobacco. This one I totally understand. I'm not upset that she doesn't like me using it, it's that she doesn't take notice that I am doing things to quit. I used to go through a can every day. Now, I'm down to a can every 2 weeks and have been like this for awhile. I never do it around her or in her apartment anymore either, as a way to show her that I can forget about it when I'm around her. Not once has she said thanks to me for trying to quit or for respecting her by not doing it when I'm with her...

Sixth, she really doesn't like any of the things I'm interested in. I've always had a wide range of interests and when new things come along that I think look fun or interesting, I'll jump head first into them. These include cars, guns, video games (both playing them and making them), fishing, hunting, reading, politics... The only ones of these interests that she doesn't call stupid on a regular basis is reading and politics. Everything else she considers a waste of time and money. Her interests include...well she doesn't really have any. Seriously, I can't name a single hobby of hers. If she had one, I would be interested in at least trying it out with her. But she condemns nearly anything I like doing, which sucks.

Seventh, she is pretty much jealous of me. This may sound like I'm bragging, but I'm not. Here's the deal. I haven't been the best student during my time in college. My first year, I nearly flunked out. My second year wasn't much better. I finally figured out what I wanted to do though, and gradually improved. I am still only a C - B student though. Not because I can't do better, but because I don't care to do better. School is boring to me and I just never study. Now, my girlfriend has always said that I need to do better in school so when I start looking for internships and stuff, I will actually be able to get one. My response to that has always been "Grades aren't the most important thing. When I look for an internship, I'll prove to them I know what I'm doing. If they don't even give me a shot because of my grades, that's not a place I want to work." She always kinda laughed thinking that any potential employer wouldn't even give me a shot if they new my grades. Well, I ended up getting a rather good internship at a great company. She, on the other hand, has gotten nearly straight A's throughout college. She has applied for numerous different places for internships and hasn't gotten even an interview. She has gone to career fairs every semester as well to get her name out there and "network" as they call it. So basically, she has worked her butt off in school, and has done everything she could to make herself look good on paper and it hasn't paid off. I could care less what I look like on paper and it's worked out great for me. After I got my new job, I said to her, "See, I told you I would get a good internship." She says "Your field has more positions available and is so much easier to get a job in than mine is"...

Eighth, she is way too dependent on her parents and basically allows them to make decisions for her. When I've brought up my concerns about this to her in the past, she has always said things like, "Well, they pay all of my bills and give me money to live on, so I can't go against what they say". This is also a reason why they can't find out we stay together, why they can't find out I have a credit card, why they can't find out that we've ever had sex, why they can't find out that I chew tobacco, why they can't find out that I've gotten 2 MIP's and have spent a night in jail, etc....because if they knew any of that stuff, they would stop giving her money, make her break up with me, or both. Also, her parents call her at least once a day. What's worse is that a lot of the time it's early in the morning when we're both trying to sleep. If it were me, I'd ignore the calls until I was up. Her parents have rules that she can't call the house past 10:00pm, and she doesn't dare break that rule. Her parents are always in town too, almost like they are checking up on her. They just stop by whenever they want, and sometimes invite themselves to stay the night at her place. Whenever she has to make a decision on something, she calls them up to talk it out. What about asking me?

Ninth, conditional sex to no sex. When we first started dating, it was like 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. This was perfectly fine with me. As time went on, it was less and less, which was also okay to a point. Then there were times when it was once a month, or once every 2 months. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but when it's once a month or less, I think that's pretty bad. After the first time it was over a month, I thought it was strange, but didn't think it was a problem. Then it was like that for another month and I brought it up to her. This is going back to my first complaint. She said if I helped with the cleaning and other "chores" around the apartment more, she would be more willing. I don't like the idea of "if you do this, I'll have sex with you" sort of thing. According to me, if 2 people are in love, they will have sex. Now, I think we are going on 6 or 7 months (I've lost track) since we last had sex...

Tenth, I rarely do anything right. This again goes back to my first complaint. I used to always try to help her when she was doing something. Whether it was cleaning, cooking, folding laundry. Once, I tried to do something nice for her by folding her laundry when she wasn't home. She got back, found what I did, and instead of thanking me, got mad because things weren't folded right or put in the right place or hung up the right way so she had to redo it. Similar things have happened with me trying to clean. She looks it over, says it's not clean enough, and redoes it. This in part led me to not want to even try to help with things. One more example of my blunders: we are both big fans of a college football team in our state. One player who recently graduated and went to the nfl was both of our favorites. She always wanted one of his jerseys, but once he went to the nfl, college jerseys of him were difficult to come by. I couldn't find the things anywhere until one day, I did. The place online didn't have much, and said what they had was all they would get. The smallest size they had was a medium. I knew that a small would be much better for my girlfriend, but I knew how much she wanted a jersey with this player's number. I ended up ordering the medium as a surprise for her, not for any special gift giving occasion. She got it and almost immediately began complaining about the size being wrong and that she couldn't wear it. It was a little big on her, but it wasn't terrible. The thing was expensive too...It really made me sad to see her reaction when I thought she would be really happy. I didn't let her know because I didn't want her to feel bad about making me feel bad.

I could go on, but hopefully you can get the point. This is the first "relationship" I've ever been in. By relationship, I mean more than 2 weeks, so I'm a little lost here. I used to think that we were meant to be together and anything that bothered me about her was something that I was supposed to just look past. I honestly can't look past all of this stuff anymore. I mean, I am 23 years old and feel like I've progressed on my own much further than she has. I can't see myself with someone who hates everything I'm interested in. It also scares me to think about breaking up with her because we have been together so long and I have never really been with anyone else. Anyways, any advice is welcome. Sorry for the long post...

[surfhb]

Here's my take based on what Ive seen in my 42 years. Generally you are still trying to find who you are are 23 years old. But what do I know?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like it's time to end it. You two have grown apart, and started to resent each other. You also sound like you're very, very different.

It actually sounds like a very similar situation to me and my ex, though I think my situation had more stress toward the end. We lived in the same apartment complex, so I stayed at hers almost every night; never mine because she was also a neat freak. She also wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend either, and was very dependent on her parents. While you probably have a legitimate job, I was selling weed and making a ton of money, so I was supporting myself and taking care of her too. I also stopped going to class and became very lazy with regard to school(always was). She didn't see me going anywhere after a while, and sex started dwindling as well toward the end. When I started to feel that distance and the sex started to go away, I wanted to say something or end it, but was also scared to. Looking back, I should have ended it as soon as this started happening, and you most certainly should. Please break it off with this girl, and initiate no contact. She will come begging. Tell her everything you just told us, or at least the parts that are her fault, and that you two have grown apart.

You'll be fine. You sound a lot like me, in your mindset, and that will take you a lot further than those that think their bachelor's degree is going to make them rich. I ended up getting indicted on federal drug trafficking charges and failing out of school(for a second time) within a couple months of each other, and my ex's father died in that time as well. She broke up with me two weeks after her father died, and three weeks after I was arrested. That was her way out, but I knew it was coming for a while and felt the distance for months. That was three years ago. Once my charges got dismissed(God Bless America!), I got a job as a network administrator and now I'm a programmer/database developer and I make over $90k without a degree(I've been building computers/networks and programming since I was in middle school). My ex is going for her Ph.D now and will be very successful too, but in talking to her recently, she feels a bit empty and unfulfilled now. I feel bad for her. She has realized that the world isn't the way it was painted to her by her parents, and she's confused now, and guess who she comes to for security.. The same thing will happen to your girlfriend when she finally grows up.

I know you've been together five years but neither of you is happy in the relationship. Break up with her, because you better believe she's planning on how to do it to you. Break up, and go after other girls and if she decides she wants to work it out, she will come to you(I can guarantee you this one will come back). If she knows you'll leave her, she will do what it takes to make you happy(ie: more sex, and so on). I screwed up that part for myself, because within a couple weeks I managed to somehow start banging my smokin' hot ex-neighbor that lived in the same building as my ex and obviously she found out about it. Doesn't matter though, this girl isn't right for you, and never was(neither was mine). You had a good run and I'm sure you two have learned a lot from this relationship, so end it on good terms and maybe you can be friends or even try again at a later date. Either way end it on your terms, not hers.

[lorrainecook201]

Now you see how different you are. For me, talking it over with your girlfriend would at least help the most out of it. If you really love each other you'd be more willing to change yourselves for you to become better in a relationship.

[selflearned]

@surfhb - I agree with you to a certain extent. As of now, I'm confident that I know who I am, but just 2 years ago, I certainly didn't. Maybe she is in that situation though.

@BackUpOrGetStng - Yea, your situation is very similar to mine. I am in the same field as you as well. I work on and develop web based java applications for the company I work for and have been offered a rather decent salary once I graduate. A lot of the recent trouble we have been having has been because of me getting my new job I believe. I guess she doesn't think it's fair and has held it against me ever since.

@lorrainecook201 - I think once we started living together we really started to learn a lot about who each of us was. I think it's fair to say that neither of us really like what we've learned.

I moved all of my stuff out of her place the other day and am going to start living at my place again. I told her I was going to do this and she basically laughed at me, like I wouldn't last long. I haven't talked to her since then and don't really want to. I think she knows what's going on but I guess I'm just waiting for her to talk to me.

Thanks for your replies guys

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, it is definitely time to dump her. If she is anything less than ecstatic for you, then you need to find a new girl. The resentment is only going to continue. What is she going to say in a few years(if you last that long), when you're 3 years in making about 100k? She's mad because you have a skill and can build something that people need, and she can't get a job pushing papers, even with that bright, shiny transcript. I love it, and honestly Im sitting on a plane chuckling to myself about this. What more do you need to dump her? She's condescending, won't put out, and she's jealous and doesn't think you deserve what you have worked for. Dump the bitch! She's already bringing you down, and it's going to get worse. Guys like us have too much going for us to let girls like that bring us down. You've probably been a nerd for a while, but you're about to have women throwing themselves at you, have some fun and enjoy it, and settle down once you meet someone that you appreciate and she appeciates you!

Please update us on this one. I want to laugh hysterically when she's calls you bawling.



Apologies for the format but as I said, I'm on a plane, on my phone.

[lostnconfused22]

You sound miserable mate. You are only 23 there is so much more out there including plenty of other women. Its very unlikely you will be happy if you stay or something major changes. I say dump her and go see what else is out there

[HeartIsAching]

It is not time to walk out on this relationship...

It's time to run.

She's come from a controlling family, and the short answer is... she's a control freak. Trust me on this, it's not going to get better, it's going to get worse.

[selflearned]

I am slowly starting to realize it's time to move on. It's like I don't want to come to that conclusion though because it's been almost 5 years you know? I think I'm just going to take a few days to think about this some more. My mind is pretty much made up to end it, but I think this is kind of a big decision and needs more thought.

@BackUpOrGetStng - Believe it or not, I haven't been a "nerd" for very long. I didn't even start in the computer science area until about 3 years ago, and before that, was never interested in tech or computers or anything. Once I started though, my true nerdy self came out I guess. I love coding now. That's why I knew I wouldn't have a problem getting a job. What I learned and am learning in school is quite boring. Basically everything I know how to do, I taught myself. If my bosses didn't want me to graduate, I wouldn't and would be perfectly happy not having that piece of paper.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Do yourself a favor and learn SQL and C#. You can get a job in finance really managing data so quick and it's so easy..tons of loot. Anyway youll be fine with just java truthfully, but you could probably be proficient in each within 6 months.

[selflearned]

Since I started at my current position, I have learned sql, javascript, html, css, (not that html and css are programming languages) and other things that we use in our applications all the time. I also know a bit of c++ and briefly looked into c# before I got my internship. I really like my current job because we are always working on new projects that we develop from the ground up. One of the applications we recently finished was a big success. The accountants and higher ups figure it will save the company at least 10 million dollars per year, so that was pretty satisfying to know I contributed quite a bit to that. Who knows, maybe I'll find something else in the future. What I really like doing is android apps. I'm going to start coming up with game ideas, develop them in my free time, and put them on the market and see how that goes.

[MaidenMinx]

One of the things that jumped out at me the most is that she isn't interested in any of your interests. How the hell have you lasted 5 years?!? Personally I think if there isn't a core interest shared in a relationship there is nothing to keep you together. Get out before you invest any more time.

[Enigmos]

You're only 23, and this is your first LTR. I'd move on. Conditional sex and codependency on mommy and daddy are huge red flags.

Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

I'd end the relationship - she sounds like a control freak. And somebody relying on mummy and daddy at her age - well that's not good. And what the hell business is it of here whether you have a credit card or not. Time to dump her and move on.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Since I started at my current position, I have learned sql, javascript, html, css, (not that html and css are programming languages) and other things that we use in our applications all the time. I also know a bit of c++ and briefly looked into c# before I got my internship. I really like my current job because we are always working on new projects that we develop from the ground up. One of the applications we recently finished was a big success. The accountants and higher ups figure it will save the company at least 10 million dollars per year, so that was pretty satisfying to know I contributed quite a bit to that. Who knows, maybe I'll find something else in the future. What I really like doing is android apps. I'm going to start coming up with game ideas, develop them in my free time, and put them on the market and see how that goes.

Congratulations! You're gonna be a millionaire before you're 30. Cut the cord on this girl; she's gonna start wanting to ride your coattails if you let her hang around too long.