insecurites caused her to cheat. should i stay or should i go?

[DeviantGeek]

theres more to it than shes just insecure, shes cheated on me because of it (more than once), and many other things have happened. ive done a lot of searching for the answer but no luck. the problem is there are so many aspects effecting my decision that its leaving me torn, should i stay or should i go? so like many others, im here asking for some advice.

first with a quick background on us. im 28 and shes 21. We’re in a long distance relationship and have been together for 2 years now. i bought her a phone early in the relationship and we talk on it most of the day together. i also visit her every few months or so, which started about 3 months into the relationship. shes absolutely gorgeous and fun to be around. we share a lot of the same interests as well as differ in some so we still have our independence.

the first 6 months were great, no arguments, no speed bumps, no hiccups of any kind. however, I caught her cheating on me not long after. at first, I tried to get her to admit to it, obviously she didn’t. then I showed her proof which was the deal breaker. she had lied to the guy and told him I was just an obsessive friend as well as lied to me with where she was and what she was doing. she sent him dirty pictures and did a few other things with him. I was angry at first, and yelled letting her know how upset I was. after a while I managed to calm down and made the decision of instead of breaking off the relationship, try and figure out why it happened to begin with. after talking with her for a while I narrowed it down to one thing she said to me, “I did it because it felt good and I enjoyed the attention.” I had a very long conversation with her after this trying to figure out why exactly that was. at first I thought she just wasn’t happy with me, but that wasn’t the case. it turns out that her entire life has revolved around abuse. I knew some of the things that had happened to her when we first started dating, but at this point she told me everything. her ex-boyfriends beat her, shes been cheated on by everyone, raped by a family member when she was young, her mother shot and killed in front of her, her entire family rejects her, she was on the streets for many years when she was young, her step mother constantly belittles her such as “your fat”, “your not going to make anything of yourself”, “your gonna get pregnant and end up on the streets”, and many more things (I sugar coated all of these btw). her step mom is a controlling person, extremely controlling. down to even what she wears in public. because of that our relationship is a secret from her parents, always has been. she cant even tell what friends she does have about me simply because if any word gets to her parents shes afraid they’ll lock her away.

at this point I decided it wasn’t entirely her fault for cheating, I told her we should work through this first. I came up with ways of helping her overcome the insecurity she had, but I also made some rules for us continuing the relationship simply because she did cheat and is vulnerable to doing it again. I let her know, im not going to be with someone who keeps doing this and is using insecurity as an excuse, but im also not going to abandon her when she needs help. I simply said no more contact with other guys on a personal level (emails, text messages etc) until she thinks she can control herself better and im comfortable with it again. giving the situation, she did exactly that.

things went back to being great again. I even got her to stop saying she was fat (and seriously, she isn’t even close to being fat). eventually I signed off on letting guy friends text and email her again. it didn’t take long for me to get over what happened. only because I understand where she is coming from, it wasn’t just a hit it and split it kind of situation that happened. between us, things were great for the next 6 or 7 months. but during that time her step mom had gotten worse with the mental abuse and started being more controlling. probably because I helped her in dealing with the beast. I spent many nights calming her down and mending her esteem after their arguments. I hated that it was happening to her, but I didn’t mind staying up all night making sure she was ok. I offered for her to move in with me many times, but she fears that if she leaves her parents will break up and it will be too much for her to handle.

after the 6 or 7 months of dealing with this I caught her cheating on me again. this time she told the guy I was abusive and a low life. im one for giving people second chances, but that is my limit. but since we had invested so much time in the relationship I decided I should at least figure out what went wrong, for closure at least. this time she doesn’t even remember doing it. I spoke with her for a long time trying to see if she was hiding it or if it was sincere. she really doesn’t remember any of it, but I had proof it happened and she doesn’t deny it. I did all kinds of research on abuse and what it can do to someone. I found a lot of it-could-be’s but no definite answer. I decided because of what she was going through it’s the same thing again. I told her no contact with guys until we figure out how to deal with this. the last thing I want to do is abandon her when she needs me, especially when its not her fault. im big on commitment, if I get into a relationship with someone I stand by them no matter what. but on the other hand, I cant handle being cheated on. I made the decision to try and get her a counselor. which turned out more difficult than anything, simply because her step mom wont let her leave the house unless its for work or school.

that brings us to how we are now. during that time and now I noticed she started being mentally abusive to me along with aspects of being controlling. she started getting upset if I didn’t stay up and watch some tv with her till 1am (mind you I get up at 5am for work everyday). but for her I stayed up that late, many times. at least once a week I need a full nights of sleep but when I even came close to complaining or mentioning that im just exhausted it turned into lengthy arguments of how I wasn’t spending enough time with her. I couldn’t even go to the movies without an argument following it (mind you, with friends ive literally known for 20 years). if I did anything without her, she would start crying and give me the silent treatment the rest of the day (yes, the entire day that it happened). I talked with her a few times about it, most of the time her excuse is she feels left out. I honestly feel like she is turning into her step mother. at this point she basically finds any excuse to get upset it seems. while a few times they were legitimate and I apologized for them, most of the time they were absurd requests and reasons by her. regardless of if it starts a fight or not, if I feel that I should be allowed to go to the movies im going to go to the movies. I consider myself a fair person, and I will stand my ground when I believe in something. now the mental abuse turned into, no sex, constant name calling from her, she kept pushing me away from my friends, she would always ask me where I was or where I was going, ask me who I was talking to and what I was talking about. if I had any contact with girls she would, jokingly, comment that they were my other girlfriends. she would constantly blame me for things that weren’t even my fault. she even tried to stop me from talking to one of my female friends (whom ive known longer than her btw) saying that she doesn’t trust her without any reason as to why. same with a few of my other female friends. recently she started talking to a guy friend of hers that lives in the same building, someone she hasn’t talked to since she was a kid. a few hours later (literally a few hours later) she tells me shes got plans on going to the gym with him every week. when she first mentioned him, she said something along the lines of them having a past. obviously that’s pretty ambiguous, but she claims they never dated. but from the signs of whats going on now being what has happened in our past when shes cheated so I only suspect the same thing again.

I didn’t go into detail on everything obviously, it would turn into more of a novel than it already is if I did. but with all of that being said it has lead me to here, asking for advice. I honestly think the only reason shes like this is because of her insecurities and her step mother. I don’t want to abandon her, but I also cant take the abuse anymore. she also says that if we break up, she will be too weak to handle it and has thoughts of jumping off the building. so im torn at what to do or how I should handle this. i want to be with her, but i dont know how to handle any of this anymore. so does any have any suggestions on how i should handle this?

[Petit Papillon]

Bein insecure is one thing and cheating on your loved one is other thing in my opinion ... You clearly can't save her ... If it would be just this self confidence problem and some jealousy issue, there would be a chance to work things out but if she cheated on you many times and always said it's because she feels insecure , it means that since 2 years she didn't even try to solve her problems... I am not most self confident person and my previous relationship made it even worse , and my bf knows it and tries to help me overcome this but I would never dare to have so little respect to the one I love, to throw those efforts to get ****ed by some guy ... It's not what you give in return ... I think you have to let her go and find out on her own how she wants to live ... She should understand that , cause you gave her more than one chance and she never learned from her mistakes ... You see, people aren't perfect, have issues, but they should show that they want to work on themselves , she didn't .

[Wakeup]

You cannot fix her.

If you think you can fix her than not only are you without self respect (for putting up with her disrespect and betrayal) but you are also quite co-dependent and of little self-worth.

You need some therapy and you need to do a lot of reading about boarderline personality disorder, sociopaths and co-dependency. Do not let her manipulate you for another second. She WILL NOT jump off a building and even if she did, you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for her poor decisions. Seriously, dude. Read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie I think you'll see yourself in there and if you know what you suffer from, It will be easier for you to let go of your addiction to this drug your hooked on called "Bad Girlfriend."

She's issued beyond anything you can to to help her ... trying to control her and her actions is futile. You do have control over yourself though and I suggest you take control of your life and leave this one behind by going ZERO contact so that you can cleanse yourself from the addiction of her and her manipulation of you. ZERO CONTACT AFTER YOU TELL HER YOU'RE UNABLE TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN SANITY SHOULD YOU STAY ANOTHER MIN. WITH HER.

Good luck, you're going to need it. Keep in mind you are not her keeper and you were not put on this earth to be abused by her and accept her abuse.

This is about you and your issues. Who with a healthy self-worth, who amongst us that respects ourselves would put up with her emotional and psychological abuse and still have to make excuses for her? NO ONE who is of healthy self would even have stayed with her after and the very most the sencond round of crap she threw your way.. It's not love. You're addicted and it's unhealthy and it's sad.

Google Co-dependent and Borderline Personality Disorder... You need to be educated so you can help yourself get away from the cycle.

[DeviantGeek]

thanks for the replies. yeah i agree its a combination of what both of you said. ive been swaying more towards leaving her at this point, just wanted to make sure it was the right decision. i did do research on borderline personailty disorder once, i think it was the closest one to match with what was going on. but then again, im not a doctor or anything. and to be honest, now that i look back at it, she really didnt put much effort into changing or working on her self. otherwise we would be in a different situation. im gonna have a short convo with her and let her know that we're no longer going to be together until shes completely changed, and that i dont plan on waiting for that day.

[jb1111983]

Cheating is cheating, mate. A lot of girls are insecure. Do they cheat? No decent girl does that. Trying to justify cheating on your partner would be like saying 'I killed that guy because I was really sacred of him!' hmmm

[bigdaddy863]

im not even gonna ready this cause the answer is simple leave just leave it will be hard but if they did it once whats to say they wont do it again

[HeartIsAching]

Insecurities did NOT cause her to do anything - she did. She may have been insecure, and she may have been influenced by insecurities, but she needs to be responsible for her own actions, not blaming them on other things.

[IncognitoSir]

She's a cheater man, YOU know you can't trust her. To stay with her means you don't respect yourself. Think about, she's probably cheating on you RIGHT now, don't you think you deserve better than that? Break it off man.

[Petit Papillon]

It's not about the dependency or whatever, it's about her having serious issues with herself . It's not just insecurity , she doesn't know what she wants in her life . or who she wants .

[charie]

Hi! First of all she is just 21, no way she is ready for a more serious commitment.
Second, I believe that a good person will always remain good no matter what kind of sh*t they are going through..
Third, she obviously does not appreciate you..
Fourth, you are staying so you can make her a better person but she obviously cannot, so i don't see any reason for you to stay anymore..
Fifth, She had lied to others about you being abusive and a low life, so don't you think she had made all those stories about her family as well so she can make you stay?
Lastly, it is obvious that she does not love you, how can you abuse and call names on someone you love? she will never do all those stupid stuff if she is really inlove with you...

Hope these could help,, if you want to visit my page and read my story as well and shoot an advice...

Goodluck!

[Petit Papillon]

Hi! First of all she is just 21, no way she is ready for a more serious commitment.

I have to call this a BS but the rest is fine

[charie]

LOL! Yes I guess,, erase erase!

[oldskool83]

shes too young for you. if you were 38 and 31 it would be fine. that 21ish age is utter BS. u might as well let anything under 25 alone...after 25 ive noticed people start getting their shirt together.

[Petit Papillon]

shes too young for you. if you were 38 and 31 it would be fine. that 21ish age is utter BS. u might as well let anything under 25 alone...after 25 ive noticed people start getting their shirt together.

And why would you say so? You have some examples for it ?

[oldskool83]

shes not a differnt stagem is why i say shes too young. party and have a good time stage, even if she not a real party person. alot of things are prob important to her but theres so much unknowns and finding out whats important and not important. shes prob going with the flow of life and not so much the flow of a good relationship.

examples. alot of a girls i met after i was divorced at 24...id meet alot of 21-25 year olds. only a few even were remotly close to having any type of shit together, independace was a rare case i found. living at home with mom or dad, having no real responsiblilty other then getting your car serviced and washing clothing. leaves alot of somone to find their place and them selves. alot of the girls 25-35 i met were way more focused on what they wanted, they had some independance, they hold either roles of moms or reponsibilties. if your set in a rutene you have priorities, theres less chance of thinking or this or that, bouncing around like miss not a care in the world hes hot i like him, that guys cute, i have a b/f but dont see him much, bla bla bla crap.

am in 100% spot on with this...nope. but meet a bunch of women around that 21 age, and meet a bunch around his age say 28...ur gonna see a major differance, its normaly for the better also.