Give up, Hold on

[Art&Science]

My (ex)girlfriend and I are both 23 and we broke up 3 weeks ago, it was just a break at first but is off now. We were getting more serious, with a obvious serious future ahead, and she does want that, it's just she isn't sure if a serious relationship is where she is at in her life. She want's to go to law school and do other things, but also wants to have a serious relationship that could lead into marriage and family. It's how those things mesh together that she doesnt know.
She asked me for the break and told me why, it sucked but what was I suppose to do. We still talk daily (typically she initiates it), hang out 1-3 times a week. We both still love each other, she just wants to figure out her life before she "pulls" me any further. Before 2 weekends ago (the 21st weekend) we were talking about it and she said isn't sure if she wants a relationship at all and doesn't always know how she feels about me, she will know for sure most of the time and others question how true her love is. That weekend came and she really wanted to go for lunch to talk. We met at the restaurant and she insisted we go for a walk before we eat. We walked through a small nature park and she wanted to sit down on a bench, I was very suspicious to it all. We were talking and she could barely hold the conversation, she kept moving a little closer and I thought this is the awkward moments leading up to a first kiss between people, and I tried to not smile and let on I knew what she was doing. She ends up initiating a kiss, and we kissed for a while, we stopped and she looked in my eyes (she knows eye contact is a huge deal for me) said she loved me and meant it. I stayed with her that Sunday night (no sex, just cuddle/ holding each other).
It was her birthday this past weekend (yesterday actually), she went out with her friends on Friday and sort of avoided inviting me, I kind of understood, I felt bad, she knew I did but I wasn't going to bring it up. I was at her [parents] house on Sunday and we ended up having sex for the first time since we have been broken up. And last night was her birthday dinner with her family and she, and her mother actually, wanted me to come out to the restaurant. She brought up me not coming out on Friday and said being out with her family means more to her than if I had come out when she was out with her friends, she felt terrible for not inviting me but didn't want to make me sit there with 10 of her friends and have them all knowing we weren't dating. I went out with her family, everything seemed so normal and good at dinner and her and I caught a movie afterwards.

I kind of wondered why she wanted me out with her family if she isn't sure about our future, she also seemed very different. The past couple weeks we have sort of had this friendship wall between us and tried to not cross it, made things awkward/ some tension. But last night she was acting like she had in front of her family while we were dating,.I think it seemed so normal that her parents/ sister were starting to think we had figured things out and were back together.

I asked her this morning why she wanted me at her birthday and why it meant so much to her if we weren't together and most likely won't be again, and that she could have invited on of her girlfriends instead. She said she couldn't really explain it, she just really wanted me there with her family and was really glad that I came. I said that's pretty much what I was thinking.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up, I have a feeling that she knows what she wants, and that is to be back together, it's just she is worried that she might have second thoughts again and hurt me more down the road.
She asked me a long time ago, when we first started dating, what my biggest fear was. And I said making the wrong decision, and that is so true now. I want to hold on, and wait it out, but I know what might happen and I could just delay and drag out the pain. I can't make either decision without knowing there could be a lot of regret. I've never been so scared about something.

[DarkHelmet82]

someone once told me... "if you are going to have regrets...dont regret what you do.. just want you DONT do."