I miss my ex and want her back, but I've slept with someone else. Advice?

[Golfer]

So here's the story...

I've never been in this position before. I was in a long distance relationship for three years and loved my girlfriend to no end. We had the ultimate goal of being in the same city eventually and traveling, doing our OE together.

She was waiting for me to finish university before we could really make plans which falls in June of this year. Well, we started talking about everything about a month ago and it became apparent that we both had very different ideas about where we wanted to go and how everything would pan out. The tension became too much and I reconciled myself to the fact that we were heading in different directions and wanted different things in life. So I broke up with her. I broke her heart and my own in the process. I never doubted my feelings for her, I knew I loved her and would miss her but convinced myself, based on my own instinct and opinions of others, that love wasn't always enough.

It's been a month since we broke up and we haven't spoken except for a couple of emails. Meanwhile, a couple of weeks after we broke up I began 'seeing' or casually dating a girl who I had had a crush on for awhile. It can't and won't ever be serious with this girl now, because she leaves the country soon. Also, I feel it's much too soon to be getting into another relationship. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years as well. So, I guess because I was lonely, sad and vulnerable (and also the first time I'd been single in 3 years) hanging out with her helped take my mind off things and feel better. We ended up sleeping together last night, and rather than feel better and more confident of my situation it has just made me feel worse and more sad. I've been missing my girlfriend so much for the past month, and I guess having sex with someone else felt like the curtain closing, a sense of finality.

But... For the past month I've been doing some serious thinking about everything and decided that the reason me and my girlfriend broke up was mostly due to my lack of compromise. God I miss her, and I've come to be of the opinion that I want to be with her and compromise on travel. Hell, I'd even move to be with her after school finishes in a month. I wrote her a hand written letter explaining how foolish and selfish I've been and how much I want to be a part of her life and be happy together but haven't sent it yet because I want to be sure I say everything that needs to be said in it.

I don't know if I should tell her I slept with someone else in the time we've been broken up? I know she would be crushed and probably not take me back. I know I haven't been unfaithful or broken any rules, but if I do ask her to come back with me and she says yes, I know it is inevitable she will ask me eventually. I wouldn't want to know if she had, but then again it was me who broke up with her. Given I was single and we hadn't spoken in four weeks, and I genuinely believed it was over between us and couldn't work, am I obliged to tell her? I know to her it would seem like I had broken up with her just to have sex with someone else, but that's not true. I don't think I could ask her back if I knew I had to tell her, I would rather just leave things be instead of hurting her any further. I really love her though, and it's taken losing her to make me realize what I had and how great it could have been. I feel like an idiot for not compromising and giving it the chance it deserved right before I had the opportunity to.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks everyone

[oldskool83]

if you want your ex back them tell her. you dont need to tell her what you did in the time you were not together.

[pisces25]

I agree. Tell her everything you have told us in your post but you are under no obligation to tell her you slept with someone else. If you prefer full disclosure go ahead but prepared for her reaction. By the way you never know she could have done the same thing or had some sort of rebound in that time.

[Cronickay]

You are right you have no obligation of telling her everything that happened during the time of your break up, but know she will probably ask, and when she does be completely honest with her. My boyfriend and I broke up in march of 2010. I started "seeing" another guy in april, and I thought it would help me forget about him but it didn't (just like yours). We eventually got back together in may of 2010 and I never told him what had happened. I knew in my head that the infamous question was gonna come up sooner or later (hoping later) but 2 weeks later he asked me a whole list of questions and I was honest with him, told him everything and when I did he looked really upset. At that point I knew I probably just ruined everything again, but then he said "okay"..was that it? Just a simple "ok?" and I asked him "are you mad" he told he no because he had also slept with another girl, and of course I was a little heart broken but was not angry because I had done it too..

The least you can do is try. Try to get her back, try to win her heart. But always remember, never lie to her (girls can sense it)..it may hurt her feelings and she may be upset with you but if she loves you as much as you love her, than she won't let that stop her from being with you..

I hope my little life experience helps

[steviej]

B0ll0cks to that! Lie through your teeth! You will only hurt her and push her away if you tell her you nailed some other girl behind her back.
This other girl is leaving the country, your gf won't find out. Enjoy your relationship and live with a bit of guilt that will fade with time.

[Cronickay]

If he loves her, he must be honest with her..the last thing she's gonna want is a guy who lies about stupid things..Hun you were broken up, it's not cheatin so you have nothing to hide..if she gets mad at you than it's on her, not you..its her loss..but if you tell her, don't make it sound like you slept with the other girl to figure out if you missed her, cause that looks shallow..

[davedlt]

My thoughts on this is that you are taking a step backwards.

When you were with her you found that your life plans and dreams were not compatible with hers, and you decided that your life, and hers, was important enough to follow both your dreams to the fullest.

Then when you were single you wanted to sleep with another girl and you decided that you were important enough and you deserved to sleep with someone if you wanted to.

Now you are trying to get her back by compromising your life plans so that you will be a better 'package' for her. So now getting back with her by convincing her to like you again is more important than your life plans and dreams. Now you regret giving yourself the gift of a sexual relationship when you wanted it because you feel that it has made you a less attractive option for your ex.

So following what you want is now less important than impressing your ex to get her back.

You were doing well when your life was important to you. If you continue in that line you will have a better relationship than the one you had, even if it does happen to be with the same partner. It seems that you feel guilty that you hurt your girlfriend by breaking up with her because you loved her. That is understandable, but what you did was because you cared enough for your life and hers to allow both of you to follow your paths in life. You didn't do the wrong thing by not compromising.

[IncognitoSir]

dave is right, and very well said. Although I'm sure you love her a lot, you know you'de have to compromise YOUR dreams to be with her......more than likely, that would lead to resentment at some point. You made an adult decision which is always hard to make, but I think it was the best decision for both of you.

[Cinnabella]

Do what you want to do, not what others want you to do. Good luck.

[devonbrown]

I think dave wins this one for best response. I was thinking about what I was going to say as I read through the comments, and then almost every single sentence that dave wrote was what I was thinking.

I will add this (it seems to be my cliche for the day): Be sure to love and respect yourself first. If you can't say that you love and respect yourself, very little good will come out of being with someone else.

Good luck.

[tremolo]

Dave has a point, but sometimes what you dream of and hope for at one point in your life turns out not to be what you want. Life has a way of making one reassess from time to time what their dreams and desires are, and if the OP has changed his mind about the relationship, I see no reason why he shouldn't try to give it another shot.

I would advise the OP not to lie about his affair with the other woman. Whether or not he chooses to divulge that information is his business, but if she asks, he should most definitely tell her. If she then wants nothing to do with him, that's his loss. Lying to get what you want is NEVER a good strategy, and is totally unfair to the woman involved.

[Cinnabella]

I'm with tremolo on this one. If you guys would return, and you lied about the details, another problem comes up, trust will be broken.

[Golfer]

Thanks everyone I really appreciated your comments. While I know that if I do ask her back, should she say yes, and should she ask me the inevitable.. then I should tell the truth, but I just feel this will crush her so much and the pain it may cause her to hear it may not justify me asking her back. Also, I realize that I am running the risk of her getting over me if I wait too long... She saw a picture of me hugging a girl at a party and forwarded the link to a friend stating it really upset her, I had to explain to our mutual friend that it was nothing (and it wasn't) but it makes me feel so much more guilty knowing how hurt she would be if she knew what has really gone on.. I feel guilty, but I know I shouldn't.

Thanks Dave for your comment. This is something I have thought long and hard about, and I really believe that I may have made a mistake in breaking up with her. I used to believe that you needed a partner who shared the same common goals and desires in life as you do, but now I realize that is an extremely rare thing and life is better when you're sharing your future with someone you love. I don't doubt that I love her. I also believe that's it's as equally rare to find someone willing to compromise to the degree which she did (I was unwilling to compromise on the things she wanted, but she was willing to put her career on hold for me for two years) I just didn't think this was fair, and it isn't, but maybe I should have made more of an effort. I still don't know if I will ask her.. mail the letter.. I just need to be sure first, I just hope she hasn't moved on by the time I am.

[Gratedwasabi]

Don't tell her. Lie through your teeth if you need to. It's pointless to tell her. You weren't together, you didn't cheat. Did you tell her about all the times you've had sex before her? Somebody tell me what the actual benefit of telling her he had sex with someone else is. Nothing. She's hurt and the relationship probably dies again.

[Wakeup]

Am I the only one here who thinks you're jumping the gun here? She hasn't even agreed to take you back yet, for all you know, she's in some other guys bed as we speak and is on her way to realizing you weren't what she needed????

Why don't you just take it one day at a time and first tell her you've made a mistake and you'd love if she'd take you back. The barn door may have already closed on you though so there's no sense spilling your guts at the juncture.

What you did while not her boyfriend is your business anyway (IMO). If she asks you can tell her then. I suspect she won't ask you right away because if she still wants to be with you she'll be terrified of the answer.

P.S. I'd not ask her back in a letter. I'd do it face to face or at the very least over the phone. Face to face is best if she'll agree to a meeting with you.