Trust Issues Hurting My Relationship: Need Help

[revolvingdoors]

I have been having an online relationship with a girl for the last 8 months and recently we have been having trouble. As we have been getting closer we have been revealing to eachother our own insecurities and I am come to find out that she has a very big trust issue. And now it is hurting our relationship to the point where she feels she doesn't believe anything that I say to her anymore and because of this she wants to end the relationship and not let it go further and develop more. Sometimes she feels that I tell little white lies just to get her attention or just to get a reaction from her. I myself had started counseling at the beginning of the year and have as of a couple weeks ago approached my counselor about this issue I may have. But the other night when she was telling me that she just doesnt believe anything, she was reassuring me that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel bad. She also said she wasn't attacking me and wasn't trying to make me feel bad. That she was just really upset and confused and then she didn't know how else to explain it. When she found out I was on my work break, she apolagized for interrupting my break and just told me to relax during my break and we would talk later. I told her we can talk after i was off work and she said ok. When i got home i relaxed and texted her letting her know i was home and asked how she was. Which was proceeded by a :/ and then her saying she was sad. i asked her what she had been thinking about but i didnt get a response and as of this writing i have not heard from her. I figure I would give her some time and space and wait to hear from her. But any advice would be great. what should be my next step? I know this is a fragile situation but I feel she really is trying to battle her issuses and not let it hurt this relationship because of the way she is expressing herself. but yes any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. if more info is needed feel free to ask.

[Boisdevie]

It has been mentioned a gazillion times on this forum - an online relationship is NOT A BLOODY REALATIONSHIP. Get a grip, find somebody in your own town. Somebody that you can kiss and hug rather that talk to forever on bloody MSN or text or whatever.

[Saya]

You haven't met her in real-life= in person before right?
This is her issues and I don't think you can help her...I suppose if you want to her then you need to be there for her in person.

[revolvingdoors]

well as of right now it has only been online. but its not like she is far away. she lives in the same town as me and we have mutual friends. she has been hesitant to meet because of her own personal fears and issues with trust. i had an opportunity to meet her at a halloween party because she had invited me but unfortunately I wasnt able to because of work. and its not that she doesnt want to meet or be with me its just that she is letting her own fears and anxieties of not trusting get in the way of letting it progress further. she told me that a lot of times she feels that i am still a stranger which is for the most part true. i told her that i think that feeling comes from the fact that we havent interacted with eachother on a personal level yet. i really dont want to let all this go to waste because i have invested a good amount of emotions and time into moving this somewhere. i dont want to give up until there is an absolute finality to it as it seems she is more confused as opposed to be completely against it. she wants to be over her insecurities and and expressed to me a lot that it is her problems and it has nothing to do with me.

[devonbrown]

And all of that may be true, they may be her issues she has to work on. Or she might be trying to avoid acting saying to you something like, "I don't really want this to go any further." Whichever one it is, there is really nothing more you can do. Your idea to give her space is probably the best thing. And don't close your eyes to other potential dating partners because of her. I mean, after 8 months you would think you might even just bump into her at the store since you live in the same town. It doesn't sound promising to me...

Good luck.

[steviej]

You need to either step out and end this or take it futher and meet in person. You have mutual friends, surely something can be arranged where you both end up at the same place? Like arranging bowling or cinema or something. Doesn't have to be just you two, she might feel more comfortable with others she knows around and you can get the chance to break the ice and chat face to face. Once it's done once it'll change completely then and be far more comfortable.

[revolvingdoors]

you would think i would run into her at some point. but we dont go to the same places and we both have different schedules. and with having several mutual friends we did think it was odd we never ran into eachother at a party before. but her mind has shifted from a going out person to a staying home person. she doesnt trust her friends much anymore. im the only one she has talked to on a regular basis. we did take a month or two off from talking and that was because of her own focus on her career which she is really determined to get off the ground. she is trying to start a fashion business so initially that was her main goal but then i came along. it seems her confusion with what she wants to do comes from the trust and the fact that she is trying to balance both me and her career out at the same time. which is also why i have given her space so that she can take care of that and come to me when she feels so.

[revolvingdoors]

You need to either step out and end this or take it futher and meet in person. You have mutual friends, surely something can be arranged where you both end up at the same place? Like arranging bowling or cinema or something. Doesn't have to be just you two, she might feel more comfortable with others she knows around and you can get the chance to break the ice and chat face to face. Once it's done once it'll change completely then and be far more comfortable.

she did mention this. ive been trying to find an opportunity to have her come along to a group gathering instead of it being one on one. i invited her to my friends house for a bbq but when she found out it was only like three people and them all being guys she wasnt too interested. my friends birthday is coming up and i know a bunch of us will be doing something whish is in a week so maybe i can approach her on that and see how she feels about meeting up wherever we end up at.

[revolvingdoors]

i havent talked to her since saturday, im just wondering how long i should wait before i try and call her or text her. or should i wait until she contacts me. we both agreed that we would talk about this and see what kind of solution we can get, if there is any. just dont know how long to wait.

[Boisdevie]

Oh for gods sake. You live in the same town? But her fears and anxieties mean you can't meet in person after 8 bloody months? Then she has some serious mental health problems and I would stop communicating with her.

[Cerby]

well as of right now it has only been online. but its not like she is far away. she lives in the same town as me and we have mutual friends. she has been hesitant to meet because of her own personal fears and issues with trust. . .

This is a HUGE red flag to me. She lives close, has mutual friends, but in 8 months hasn't wanted to meet one-on-one?

My first thought is that she simply isn't as advertised, maybe she sent you old pics, or pics of someone else. Maybe she has huge secrets that she just can't fathom telling you. If after 8 months you can't meet face to face, there is something far more to this then you have been told.

Honestly, if I was dating a girl that lived in my town online, I would press for a coffee date within 7-10 days, and if she dodged, I would assume something was up and bailed on the situation. 8 months is just rediculous.

[revolvingdoors]

This is a HUGE red flag to me. She lives close, has mutual friends, but in 8 months hasn't wanted to meet one-on-one?

My first thought is that she simply isn't as advertised, maybe she sent you old pics, or pics of someone else. Maybe she has huge secrets that she just can't fathom telling you. If after 8 months you can't meet face to face, there is something far more to this then you have been told.

Honestly, if I was dating a girl that lived in my town online, I would press for a coffee date within 7-10 days, and if she dodged, I would assume something was up and bailed on the situation. 8 months is just rediculous.

we did unfortunately started talking after her and her ex broke up last year so that does lead me to believe that she wasnt ready for anything. we hadnt started talking more until about last october, which there was an opportunity to meet but that wasnt able to happen. a great number of thigns have happened to her by people and it has increased her trust issues to the max. when you feel you cant trust anyone its hard to just let that go for anyone no matter how much they want to. i know she needs help. there are many variables on what can be done. but i care enough to not just lt go. as sad as that may seem to some, but i dont just drop people.

[Cerby]

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This is how many months since your last opportunity you've had to meet her. This perplexes me, if I had massive trust issues I wouldn't be involved in ANY relationship, let alone an internet/texting one where the person can do who they want, when they want and never have to worry about getting caught.

She should have wanted to me you by now if her issues were that bad. I still maintain there is something seriously wrong with this situation, and you don't yet know what it is. . .

[curiousgurl29]

I would definitely end it. As others have said, the trust is gone. You don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from this relationship. In your next intimate relationship, I would make sure to tell the person that you want honesty. From what you said, in regards to the masturbation and the sex pictures, it really appears that she was not sexually satisfied. In the future, ask more questions about what she likes/ doesn't like. In my experience, dishonesty in the bedroom (pretending to enjoy the sex) can lead to resentment and alienation.

[revolvingdoors]

I would definitely end it. As others have said, the trust is gone. You don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from this relationship. In your next intimate relationship, I would make sure to tell the person that you want honesty. From what you said, in regards to the masturbation and the sex pictures, it really appears that she was not sexually satisfied. In the future, ask more questions about what she likes/ doesn't like. In my experience, dishonesty in the bedroom (pretending to enjoy the sex) can lead to resentment and alienation.

um there werent any sex pictures or masturbation involved. and i didnt say i didnt trust her.