inter-racial relationship problem

[uptownboy]

Here's the skinny:

I'm 27, white catholic male living in an urban area of the Dakotas. My parents were brought up in small farming communities.

My girl is 20, black american, and here's the problem.

My parents don't even want to see a picture of her, let alone meet her. Five months we've been together. My mother has also expressed that she doesn't want to carry around a mixed grandchild.

Most of my friends are cool with it, but at the end of the day they're all like, "ya, but your just having fun, right? I mean, you're not planning on having kids with her, are you?"

And this girl is all about me. She's decked out with little trinkets and jewelry that I've gotten for her and wears it all so proud. She's playful, energetic, and she's got a smok'n body and knows how to rock my world. On the downside, she's got nothing to her name, barely has a job, and no real solid plans for the future...career wise.

Then there's these other white girls who have jobs, money, careers, cars, smarts, and are great fantastic woman that I can totally trust, and they're all closing in on me.

Bottom Line: I love her.

How do I overcome all this? YES, it's easy to say, "Love conquers all and to heck with everybody else." But it ain't like that. Parents help out with down payments on houses, they babysit kids on Saturday nights, etc. Approval is important to me from friends and family.


So what do I choose, Flare and excitment, or stability and security? Seems I'm not going to get both.

-dazed and confused

[Aveline_Rei]

Well, what I think about your situation is that you really haven't been going out long enough to be this concerned about the future, babies, housing etc. There seems to be alot more things that you are concerned about than just the inter-racial thing. I think that the age thing has more to do with some of your concerns about her. She's still a little (school age) young. So, really focusing on a career probably is something she is not thinking about right now. In my own experience people aren't set into who they really are until they are about 23/24. Have you talked to her about these things? You talk about how your family and friends feel about it. Do you know how her family and friends feel about the relationship? Are the other girls that are "closing in" more around your own age? The question I think that you really need to ask yourself is, Are you willing to change your life to make sure that she stays apart of it? Are you willing to lose family and friends to have her. Are you willing to stand up for her and not let those said family and friends treat her like crap and not a real part of the family?

[misombra]

here's a story for you. my uncle (through marriage) does not like black people. so my cousing married a black man and had his child. she is my hero.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Firstly, communication is the most important thing between two individuals. If you have a problem with the way your family feels about this relationship, communicate that with them. I'm sure they're too close-minded to turn around and embrace the two of you together, but at least sit them down and let them know you love this girl and that you're disappointed and disgusted that they would let something as superficial as skin color determine who they deem appropriate for you.

As far as she goes, talk to her about her future. Try to get her excited in pursuing something she enjoys doing. There's no point in complaining about her not having anything to her name, try to get her excited about the possibilities of what the future could bring. Marriage and kids? Don't worry about that now, you've been together 5 months. Basically if you're having problems with either side of this then you need to communicate it. If you have to hide your emotion then your relationship is already doomed. Good luck though and keep us posted.

[Junket]

Yeah dude, 5 months ain't that long, just stay on the boat and re-evaluate things in about 5 more months. Nothing to her name? Sounds like you're of the white privileged class.

[Fawn]

It's there problem. Not yours. If you love this women truly, then you should be able to stand up for her and state that you care about her and that will never change. I still think its sick that ppl are like that.

[King Zarathu]

Yeah. If she makes you happy and y'all love each other, stay together. but don't have kids ok i don't want mixed babies.. haha kidding.

seriously, regarding the kids.. it will be a problem. whites won't fully accept the kid because he/she isn't really WHITE, but the blacks won't accept him/her because he/she isn't really BLACK.. which leads to a problem. another thing.. how are family reunions going to be? i mean, good lord.. ur mom doesn't even want a picture of her, how is it on HER side? dude--it'll be hard, but if u love her....u know


best of luck.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Just remember one thing. Love doesn't conquer anything, it gives you the power and will to conquer that which holds you apart. If it doesn't give you that motivation then it isn't the love you're searching for.

[Junket]

Yeah. If she makes you happy and y'all love each other, stay together. but don't have kids ok i don't want mixed babies.. haha kidding.

seriously, regarding the kids.. it will be a problem. whites won't fully accept the kid because he/she isn't really WHITE, but the blacks won't accept him/her because he/she isn't really BLACK.. which leads to a problem. another thing.. how are family reunions going to be? i mean, good lord.. ur mom doesn't even want a picture of her, how is it on HER side? dude--it'll be hard, but if u love her....u know

best of luck.

You make valid points, but it does also depend on where you live and what people's attitudes towards non-whites. I've never had a huge issue, then again most people assume I'm white anyway. Parents with mixed children should teach their kids about both sides of the family, culture, history and what not, and let the child decide whom or what they would like to affiliate themselves more with. However, if one side of the family isn't supportive, it would be difficult to do that. These things probably won't really affect the child until their pre-teen to teenage years when they begin to develop their own identity. This is just based off of my own personal experience.

[King Zarathu]

yes.. but i REALLY love your signature the most..

If lifes' got you down, there's always suicide.

hell yeah!

[uptownboy]

Great advice, thanks all ya'll.

Really it doesn't matter what I choose, as long as it's what I want. Yet, Mother's decision stands, SHE HATES IT!!!

Makes me want to do it more.

But ya, I think the mixed baby thing doesn't apply too much to black people. It's not like they're a pack of wolves forcing the would be baby to fend for himself.

And yes, my family comes from an ethnic Czech area of the Dakotas, and they probably haven't seen a black person in their county, ever. Makes me mad they can be racist about a race they've never been around long enough to form an opinion.

Reunions are going to be hell, if things get that far of course.

[LottomagicZ4941]

I think with the internet the number of inter racial dating and marriages will go up.

Hopefully your parents get over it. At 27 you should have a bit of an idea if they will or will not get over it. And perhaps since your posting you kind of figure they may be in not likely to get over it camp.

It is harder to hate someone you have met. If you love her your going to have to give it a try.

Blacks in the USA already have a percentage of white in their gene pool as many slave owners took advantages from time to time.

As far as I am concerned there is only one race--the human race.

Unfortunatly in some areas your relationship may not be accepted.

[Junket]

As far as I am concerned there is only one race--the human race.

Oi Oi to that.

[King Zarathu]

As far as I am concerned there is only one race--the human race.

Agreed. Although there is one other race.. it comes from a galaxy far, far, away. It is the race of Bitches. Population: 1 {Cybog_The_Biatch}

[Colleen]

Aw hunny, you wanna talk racial conflict? Come visit me in the South! My parents were so racist they wouldn't let me go to a movie with a fellow black student. We were in a film class together and it was an assignment but my mother freaked that folks might think we were there "on a date." I will never forget the anger I felt in having to call my friend and cancel the plans. But I lived at home and had to follow their rules. I was in college at the time! The person I am now would have just said, "Mama get over yourself."

A few months ago I dated a caucasian guy who had three children from two different black women, one of which he was married to for a time. The oldest was starting to experience some backlash at the age of 12. The black kids scoffed at her smoother hair and slightly lighter skin. In actuality she was drop dead gorgeous, like a young Janet Jackson. When I would go out with Cassidy and his kids everyone would look at us strangely. One of my cousins actually had the nerve to say, "But if you take the kids out on your own, you know what people will think? They will think you slept with a black man!" GASP! Made me wanna say, "Yeah, well if he looked like Denzel and moved like Lenny Kravitz it would be so werf it."

My first advice is to just enjoy this relationship for years. Give the girl time to find herself. If in two years she still doesn't have a clue what to do in life, then well, you need to think about that. It won't be about race anymore. It will be about responsibility and commitment. You need that in a mate as much as a good romp. As for your parents . . .make the down payment yourself. When you left the nest you became a man. Men have the right to their own decisions. If your parents are good people they will love any child of yours, even a purple one. That is THEIR test. If they fail . . . well, then they lose a whole lot of joy. But that is their self-imposed liability. Hopefully it will never come to that.

You have lots of time. Enjoy your dark princess. Spark is hard to find.

Colleen

P.S. I now date a latino and we get looks all the time, too. I'm very pale with red hair and freckles so we do make some sexy contrast. He speaks perfect English and is drop dead gorgeous but still people in the south look at me like they think I need saving from rape or something. Oh those lusty, swarthy hispanics, gotta watch them every minute! Shudder! LOL! The world is so ****ed up at times. But it's the only one we got.