Can't be in a relationship? What is behind this?

[marman]

My boyfriend just broke up with me. I guess it happened a month ago, but it all seemed very confused, and so last night we talked again. And he told me that's it really now and I have to move on. We're in our mid-twenties, had been together for 1.5 years, and long-distance for most of it, although we did see each other a few times a year for several weeks. This LDR was supposed to end this summer.
Basically he feels that he can’t be in a relationship, he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know for how long, but that it might take him years. Or that he might never fully be able to.

Now all of this did come rather suddenly. He told me that all his life he had been looking for ‘that one woman’, and now that he has found her, he realised he can’t be in a relationship, and he might never be that ‘family person’. That said, there was never any pressure - I was going to move to his city (and still am, so it wasn't strictly for him), but it isn't like we were going to live together. He also told me that this has nothing at all to do with wanting to be with somebody else – he thinks I exceed every expectation he has ever had, and if he can’t even be with me, he would never want to be with anybody else. And if he does come round, he’ll come looking for me first. That said, he made very sure not to say anything that might imply that he hopes I will wait for him.. I guess that is the decent thing to do, but made it all the more hard for me, because I’m so so sure about him.

Now, let me state that I absolutely, fully believe him. I’m 100% sure that he’s not just trying to let me down gently and in two months I’ll see him with someone else. I know that replies are likely to go in that direction, but I’m very sure that he means all of this and that he genuinely feels that he can’t be with anyone at the moment – and that he feels bad about that.

What I’m looking for right now is to understand this, because I really can’t. I'm devastated, but I guess all I can do is leave him alone and hope he might come round soon. I guess it doesn't look hopeful... or maybe it does... I just don't know. I guess I am reading too much into him telling me he finds this all very confusing, because he is very sure he can't be with anyone, but he still cares for me so much and loves me all the same. Maybe I should not read anything into that, I don't know.
But I really need to understand this. What is behind that feeling of not being able to be in a relationship? If he loves me and believes I am the right person for him (and again, he IS being honest on this), what other desire can be so strong that it makes him give that up?
And how does this type of feeling usually pan out in the end?
I just don't know what to do.

[Reaper]

Listen, im only 19 but am pretty much in the same situation as of now. Except my girl is the one travelling everywhere. I dk what the reasons are that It is a long distance relationship, whether hes like my girl and just loves travelling more than anything, military, just lives somewhere else, or what. But regardless, whatever job, ambition or dream he is trying to fullfill of his is conflicting with his relationship with you and whatever it is hes doing isnt allowing him to stay with you for any long period of time. He loves you(as you well know) but like I'm prolly gonna end up doing with this lady of mine, is letting her go. Not because I don't love her but because it's not fair to her that I can't be with her and shes all hung up on me and there is no chance of us ending up together just because our lives are going in different directions. Again, It depends on his reason for being away. LDR's are hard, I know, very, very well. But him leaving you sounds like him trying to do what is best for YOU. He is as much of a man I could ever hope to be.
The only thing that can conquer love is ambition. I have always believed that. Whatever this ambition of his is the reason he left. But regardless, he did it for you. As for how it will pan out......you tell me.....I'm still in the middle of this. lol. <<<dont know how much help this was....

[marman]

Thank you so much Reaper, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar.

The reasons for the LDR - that is just the thing. I studied abroad, he was from a totally different continent. Then he moved to the capital of my original country. A large reason for that move was, of course, me. I was still abroad, but nowhere near as far away as he was in the beginning. And next month or so I would have moved to his city. So if anything, the distance got less and he too made an effort towards that by coming to my country. And I think our paths in life were going in the same direction - we would have stayed in that city, we would have studied at the same university from the autumn onwards, there would have been no distance anymore. I honestly cannot see anything in his life, now or in the near future, that would have prevented us from being together, or that I would have kept him from doing. He did say he wants to focus on his job (nothing big really... he's working in a restaurant...) and his studies from the autumn onwards. But... I would have totally supported him in that. We would have gone in the same direction with similar goals. If he didn't have this 'issue' of not wanting a relationsthip, things could have been absolutely perfect and like any normal relationship in just a few weeks.

[Reaper]

Wow, nvm this is even more relatable than I thought, lol. I'm the one sittn in one place while she travels the world. WELL THEN! Ill tell you from experience then that when the woman you love leaves....It's hard to deal with. While you were off studying, seeing new things meeting new people, he was left to his job and himself. Where you were distracted, he was prolly where i was and sittn there thinking about you the entire time. In a sense the only way to keep yourself from going nuts....is to let go. Be prepared for the worst, that you wont come back, that you will have a change of heart when you come back. Alot can happen in a short amount of time let alone 3-4 months. He's prolly never been happier to see you but i dk why. But it's even more difficult when they come back...
My gf just got back last week, and i felt I was better off with her out of the country. I love her to high heaven but just her being away for so long i essentially shut out woman.... including her and focused more on myself, I've been intensly training MMA work two jobs and do schooling.... and after working on myself while she was gone, the only thing i could do to keep me sane......It's just different and hard to deal with her being back. I love her but I dont feel like im with her anymore ya know? This is probably how your guy feels. He loves you. but he's let you go. he doesnt want any one else cause he does love you, but he cant have you because hes kinda gotten over you in a sense.
I can see where he's coming from. but quite frankly, I think you can get him back.

[marman]

Haha, I see this completely the other way around from you.
Alright, maybe I need to provide a little more background. What happened was that I had been abroad (A) for more than two years by the time we met online, and I hated it there and was counting the months until I could go back. When we first met IRL, it was when he came to my country (B) and we met there and arrived on the same day. After a month I went back to uni at A and he stayed for good in B. I still did then and all the time until I left two weeks ago hated the damn place, A. :p He on the other hand built up a completely new life for himself in B- made new friends, found jobs, had a great time, and he'd never lived alone before so that was all the more exciting. I guess if anything, it was ME thinking about him and wishing I could be there in B. He liked being in a LDR because it meant he got a lot of space. And I suppose part of what contributed to all this was that he never fully got to be by himself. Either he lived with his parents, or, after he moved to my country, he felt that he was in a relationship that meant so much to him and seemed like it was eventually (years down the road) leading to 'happy ever after' and marriage and yadda yadda.

So in an nutshell, I guess he partly wants to finally experience things completely by himself. I don't know exactly where 'not being able at all to be in a relationship' comes in, since it isn't like I would be at his place 24/7 or forever calling him (I would be new to the city too, and making my own life!). I don't think I would be holding him back in anything; rather, it's my place to *support* him. And he does know that, but he still feels he can't be with anyone. And that's what I don't understand. This makes so little sense. What exactly is this feeling of not being able to be in a relationship, if he still thinks I'm the one for him?

[Reaper]

......You officially have me stumped...sorry marman....as similar as our situations are now i just see we are on the same side of the line, both fighting for a relationship....again, I'm sorry, I'm right there with ya.

[marman]

I agree... and this is a truly sucky place to be in. I just don't really get it. I want to experience my life as well, and I'm looking forward to starting over in the city where he is also - but I'm also capable of juggling a new life AND him. He is worth that to me. It isn't a sacrifice, it's a *blessing* to have him on top of all of this. I wish he would see it the same way. And still at the same time I know he does love me more than anything. I'm just so so confused...

[Reaper]

I have faith that you can turn him around. In time. Prolly Just like you said to me. Just not at that point to have a close relatioinship just yet.

[ConniptionFit]

People in LDR's are often emotionally unavailable (that's the attraction of the LDR) and they need to sabotage the relationship when it actually starts to turn into an actual close, intimate relationship. They cannot bear the closeness of real, intimate relationship with someone.

This is exactly the case with your boyfriend.

[Stillits]

I fear it will be the same with my LD boyfriend when I'm able to move closer to him (different countries too).

I also fear that what you, ConniptionFit, said is true. I think the space and "flimsy" commitment of a LDR is appealing to them because it allows them so much space etc., and having that "taken away" by their partner moving closer.. It's too much commitment and reality gets too close, I think.

[marman]

Yes, I suppose that might have played a fairly large role... that the distance coming to an end made him realise that (in his perception) he will now always have someone around and he will always have to be around for them and he won't have his independence anymore.

But, isn't that something that could change over time...? If he sees me around, if we meet up for a coffee now and then (not immediately, but in a few months' time after he's had time to sort his thoughts out), isn't there a fairly realistic chance that he will miss me and think that maybe it IS much nicer with someone else? Just starting things out slowly again, so he sees that No, me being there does not mean that I'm sitting in his living room asking who he meets up with and what he's doing 24/7. That it's perfectly possible to have his space (I want mine as well now and then), AND have me at the same time. Especially considering that our breakup was not due to lack of feelings or anything like that.

[HeartIsAching]

This is him letting you down easy. It's mostly bullshit designed to make it easier for you to swallow.

[marman]

I know, it definitely sounds like it... but I am really absolutely certain that he means everything he said. I guess that's what everybody says in my position too, though :p But I really don't believe that is the case here.

[ConniptionFit]

I know, it definitely sounds like it... but I am really absolutely certain that he means everything he said. I guess that's what everybody says in my position too, though :p But I really don't believe that is the case here.

It's not bullshit. It's his real feeling. It's not going to change, though.

[marman]

What I referred to in what you quoted was that I don't think he was letting me down easy by feeding me the 'I still love you but right now it can't work - maybe later' line.

But you mean it won't change that he doesn't want a relationship?