My GF has no motivation, doesnt communicate, is reckless

[brown06]

Hi guys and everyone, I am really worried about my current relationship. When I met her 4 years ago she seemed like a very responsible woman. She was at a top tier college, went to classes, had a set of things she enjoyed and liked.

Well now, I am seriously seriously freaking out. My gf moved us down to the state we are currently in for her graduate program. up until the week she decided to quit, she was telling me this was her life goal and definitely what she wanted. Out of the blue she said she hated it and the next day left. Now we are packing up and moving cross country.

My gf and I put our finances together just last year. Last year I was in 0 debt, just this past month when she told me not to use one of our credit cards, I begin to ask if everything was ok. I give her my paychecks and she handles the bills. She then told me something HORRIBLE. WE were in over 20k in credit card debt!!! 20K!!!!! IN LESS THAN A YEAR


I HAD NO IDEA. I would ask from time to time if everything was ok financially, and if we could afford whatever purchase we were making. She would say we were fine...she was hiding it from me.

Now she is sayign she wants to go into the "Arts" for furniture design. She has never even so much as glued together two pieces of wood. Now she says its her life goal. I went out to an art store and got her some wooden models to put together. She did it for 3 minutes, quit, and said she "preferred to work with clay". That was 3 weeks ago and no clay or any art to be seen....

I am freaking out b/c i am financially tied to her in this 20k, I was ok bc she was in a program that would lead her to a very well paying job, but now she quit it, and wants to do something she has never ever showed any interest in.

We are moving cross country with no job and maxed out credit cards.

I put a lot of faith into this relationship and it is seriously worrying me now.

When I ask her whats going on and if she REALLY does want to do furniture design, she gets pissed off and wont speak to me, she then tells me to "stop yelling" but im not yelling. She reacts to me like im her father or something, and i in turn feel like i am raising a petulant and rebellious and lazy kid.

She's always shown signs of this. One time in college for 2 weeks straight she didnt attend classes and instead spent hundreds of dollars online ordering instruments. She made 2 youtube videos of her playing some very beginner tune, and then hasnt touched ANY of the instruments a single time since.

Another time after watching an everest documentary she became convinced we were going to do it. She began scheming ways to get 80k. When I told her I wasnt sure I would be able to climb it, she got insanely pissed off at me. Later that year we were climbing a small hill and she kept talking about how horrible it was and I reminded her of her whole everest scheme.

In college she always kept complaining and talking about how she hated school, and that the next year would be so much better. That year would come and she would hate it even more and then say grad school would be so much better. Now that she is leaving grad school, she says art will be so much better.

We are not rich people, when she graduated college she got 15k from her family, she spent that within the summer, she got a job at banana republic and spent 5k on clothes there, worked there for 2 weeks, called in 4 times, then quit.

I am seriously worried. What do I do? Whats going on with her? I looked all around for some sort of diagnosis, bc it definitely seems like some sort of illness. I cant find any appropriate information

[tremolo]

This doesn't sound like the kind of person you'd want as your life partner. The fact that she maxed out your joint credit cards without telling you is appalling, and doesn't bode well for the future. It doesn't even sound like she's remorseful about this?

If I were you, I'd break off the relationship and tell her you may or may not be willing to reconcile once she gets her life in order.

[tremolo]

Also - I know from personal experience that the stress of grad school can do weird things to a person. I was pretty much a model student and person until I got into my PhD program and started reacting very badly to all the stress I was under. I made a lot of poor decisions, and it wasn't until I re-evaluated my life and sorted out of a lot of things that I began to turn the situation around. What I'm saying is - I don't know that your girlfriend is ill, as in chemically unbalanced, but I do think she's resorted to various escape tactics, and she needs to get a grip on things if there's any chance of her being stable again and your relationship continuing.

[ConniptionFit]

The more important questions you should be asking your self is why have allowed yourself to be with someone like this and how you have allowed yourself to be put in such a powerless and submissive position.

You should be looking at yourself and your problems that have allowed you to put yourself in your current situation far more than you should be worried about what is up with her.

[brown06]

its true, I guess i did it bc i stupidly thought she was the more responsible one and that I needed someone to look after my affairs. I felt less worthy of the responsibility, but now I am seeing that was a huge mistake

[ConniptionFit]

its true, I guess i did it bc i stupidly thought she was the more responsible one and that I needed someone to look after my affairs. I felt less worthy of the responsibility, but now I am seeing that was a huge mistake

Another reason not to get into a serious relationship until you have your own life in order.

[Cerby]

4 years is a huge investment, I bet up to this point you were probably planning on a life together, had future plans for everything, and could see the light at the end of the tunnel with her coming up on the end of grad school.

You must also love her and trust her very much in order to have allowed her to carry on the way she did, and has in the past.

But as many people know - Sometimes love just isn't enough. A relationship, especially a long term one, is focused on many more things than just the emotion, there are finances, life goals, long term compatibility, and ultimately trust. She defied your trust to manage the finances and now you're up sh*t creek. She has had a recurring pattern of other "life goal" issues and also career flakiness. You need to go somewhere quiet for a day, sit on a rock on a beach, and think if this is worth continuing, because my bet would be "no". But when love is involved, its never that easy.

[Simonsaysyes]

D.u.m.p h.e.r

[Bella82]

I am in no way going to tell you what you should, or should not do. It's difficult to comment on her as a person and whether or not she has a mental illness. What I can say is that she seems like someone who is lost at this point in her life -- she's not sure which way to turn, or what profession will really make her happy. But haven't we all been there? Most of us have second-guessed our decisions made at university, but it doesn't mean we are doomed and unable to find something that makes us passionate. What she may need the most is someone she cares about, who will listen to her and not pass judgement in a difficult time.

You said that when you met her, she went to class and seemed to be happy with what she was studying. The thing is, something has changed and she is now unsure. After being together for 4 years, getting to know who she is as a person, does she mean enough for you to help her through this, or do you want out? There is no right or wrong answer, but you need decide as I'm certain she in some way picks up on how you're feeling and senses your disapproval. Be honest, and have a chat. Best to you!

[ConniptionFit]

4 years is a huge investment, I bet up to this point you were probably planning on a life together, had future plans for everything, and could see the light at the end of the tunnel with her coming up on the end of grad school.

You must also love her and trust her very much in order to have allowed her to carry on the way she did, and has in the past.

Sounds more like he was looking for someone who would take care of him and make decisions for him.

[ConniptionFit]

I am in no way going to tell you what you should, or should not do. It's difficult to comment on her as a person and whether or not she has a mental illness. What I can say is that she seems like someone who is lost at this point in her life -- she's not sure which way to turn, or what profession will really make her happy. But haven't we all been there? Most of us have second-guessed our decisions made at university, but it doesn't mean we are doomed and unable to find something that makes us passionate. What she may need the most is someone she cares about, who will listen to her and not pass judgement in a difficult time.

You said that when you met her, she went to class and seemed to be happy with what she was studying. The thing is, something has changed and she is now unsure. After being together for 4 years, getting to know who she is as a person, does she mean enough for you to help her through this, or do you want out? There is no right or wrong answer, but you need decide as I'm certain she in some way picks up on how you're feeling and senses your disapproval. Be honest, and have a chat. Best to you!

A history of indecision and flakiness, added to a dose of lying to the tune of $20,000.00 is not simply a second-guessing of the pursuit of her graduate degree.

Both of these people are seriously in need of some life-skill development.

[VincenzoG91]

Right away, you need to get your finances separated. Stop handing your paychecks to her, and start depositing them in a new account that only can access. Do that as soon as possible, because otherwise she can hold your money hostage.

Second, don't move. You have a job right now, and the real unemployment rate is much higher than 9.1%, because they are only counting people who are currently receiving unemployment benefits. There are a lot of people who hit the limit on unemployment and got dropped from the rolls without having landed a job yet.

And then seriously consider breaking up with her. You can't remain in love with her potential or her past, you have to face the reality that she is irresponsible, reckless and and foolish. She is headed for a lot of trouble, and she is going to take you down with her unless you cut ties.

[VincenzoG91]

Two major warning signs are the reckless spending and the poor communication. The leading cause of divorce is money problems, part of the reason you have money problems is her poor communication. Secretive spending and shutting down important discussions with "why are you yelling at me?" That's crap. Don't accept it, and be ready to walk if she can't or won't pull her crap together.

[Bella82]

A history of indecision and flakiness, added to a dose of lying to the tune of $20,000.00 is not simply a second-guessing of the pursuit of her graduate degree.

Both of these people are seriously in need of some life-skill development.

If this was a pattern throughout the entire 4 years of their relationship, then why would he still be with her? There's been a change from the flakiness she had here and there to something more concerning - not going to school for 2 weeks, or wanting to climb Everest is not something to get up in arms about. She is obviously having a tough time right now, and NEEDS SUPPORT. The question is - does he wants to stick through it with her or not.

[ConniptionFit]

If this was a pattern throughout the entire 4 years of their relationship, then why would he still be with her? There's been a change from the flakiness she had here and there to something more concerning - not going to school for 2 weeks, or wanting to climb Everest is not something to get up in arms about. She is obviously having a tough time right now, and NEEDS SUPPORT. The question is - does he wants to stick through it with her or not.

Please read someone's entire post before commenting on it:

She's always shown signs of this. One time in college for 2 weeks straight she didnt attend classes and instead spent hundreds of dollars online ordering instruments. She made 2 youtube videos of her playing some very beginner tune, and then hasnt touched ANY of the instruments a single time since.

Another time after watching an everest documentary she became convinced we were going to do it. She began scheming ways to get 80k. When I told her I wasnt sure I would be able to climb it, she got insanely pissed off at me. Later that year we were climbing a small hill and she kept talking about how horrible it was and I reminded her of her whole everest scheme.

In college she always kept complaining and talking about how she hated school, and that the next year would be so much better. That year would come and she would hate it even more and then say grad school would be so much better. Now that she is leaving grad school, she says art will be so much better.

If you think this is normal, responsible behavior, you need as much help as they do.