No Contact = Success

[DarkHelmet82]

tremelo even if hes there you may not see him there.. there will be a lot of people there.. YOU CANT LET HIM CONTROL YOU... what i mean is if you want to go... GO... dont not do things BECAUSE of him

[OmnicronPercei8]

So another poster brought up the issue of working with your ex, and since no one really speculated on it I thought I'd ask too. This is my first post as I was a couple of paragraphs into writing out the details of my failed relationship and just didn't want to bore anyone with my meandering tale of heartbreak.

Anyway one of the facets is that we work together. We were good friends for two years, great friends for about two months, and then together for six months. I always swore to myself that I would never become involved with a coworker or another friend but like I've seen somewhere else on these forums, you can't help who you fall for. And I fell hard.

Fast forward six months later to three weeks ago when she broke it off, and I'm still here and so is she. To make things worse she sits maybe five cubicles away in the same aisle. I'm am delegated to completely ignore her when I walk by her desk or go the long way around to everything here. If I pass her in the hallway I try to ignore her but she always wants to email me and ask if I'm doing ok. I am desperately searching for another job but don't want to take just anything either (I have my BS in IT). If I don't get something soon though I'll go work for Amazon or somewhere I know I'd get hired on the spot until I can find something else...

Anyway as long as I'm here it's completely hopeless for me to get over her. I try to rage and tell myself things I hated about her but ultimately I love her through everything that's been said and done... I just can't get over someone who is constantly around!

[Wakeup]

I always swore to myself that I would never become involved with a coworker or another friend but like I've seen somewhere else on these forums, you can't help who you fall for. And I fell hard.

Nice excuse to give yourself so's that you can cross a personal boundary on yourself. BS! You now the consequences of getting involved with a friend or a co-worker so it's your job NOT TO ALLOW YOURSELF to fall for someone who is a friend or a co-worker. Don't give us your bs excuse because you're lazy and you find it easier to give in then have personal convictions.

Anyway as long as I'm here it's completely hopeless for me to get over her. I try to rage and tell myself things I hated about her but ultimately I love her through everything that's been said and done... I just can't get over someone who is constantly around!

More bs you tell yourself. You have to change your mindset is all. She is a co-worker nothing more, nothing less. She is a co-worker and "I don't get involved with co-workers" so, I should be able to say a friendly hello and carry on in my day and not feel like my heart is being ripped through my penis hole for doing so.

Stop giving yourself excuses to do the same thing and then expect different outcomes. Change what you're doing and what you have done and you will get a different result.. It's that simple.

[Wakeup]

Haha... too bad you didn't see the very first post I put up when I joined.... it was a complete sob story about the whole situation. I've obviously come a long way since then

But long story short, I was dropped by a woman who was too scared to open up and be in a relationship with me. She had spent the last few years building up these emotional walls due to bad experiences and I guess meeting me threw a huge monkey wrench in her program. She did let her guard down with me for a few months but when things were about to get official, she took off and ran. Didn't want to talk about it at all... ignored my calls/texts, deleted me off of facebook, etc. After a few days I realized I had no chance of salvaging it... she made up her mind. So that's when the no contact started. Had a million unanswered questions in my head, VERY confused, felt betrayed, lied to, stuff like that. But no use waiting around for things to happen....

And yeah, I hope this thread can help people in any way.... Its cool seeing others put their situation up on here and talking about it. In the end we're all here to help each other out, right?

I totally believe in No Contact helping one to get to the stage of indifference. It's the only way actually to get there. That's how we get over grieving for a loved one who has passed away. We don't get to contact them again and that's why we have our memories of them that we can visit but the "longing" for them evaporates after time of not speaking.

Anyway: I had to comment on your story because I think that if someone admits to not wanting anything serious, has emotional walls up and says they don't want to be in a relationship that you should listen to them and get outta dodge so that you don't have to go through the emotional turmoil when they show that they were true to their word of not wanting anything committed. Never think you can break down someone's walls who admits to you that they have them. They need to come to terms with their last relationship before they'll ever be ready to be in one with you. Gospel.

[Cerby]

Haha... too bad you didn't see the very first post I put up when I joined.... it was a complete sob story about the whole situation. I've obviously come a long way since then

But long story short, I was dropped by a woman who was too scared to open up and be in a relationship with me. She had spent the last few years building up these emotional walls due to bad experiences and I guess meeting me threw a huge monkey wrench in her program. She did let her guard down with me for a few months but when things were about to get official, she took off and ran. Didn't want to talk about it at all... ignored my calls/texts, deleted me off of facebook, etc. After a few days I realized I had no chance of salvaging it... she made up her mind. So that's when the no contact started. Had a million unanswered questions in my head, VERY confused, felt betrayed, lied to, stuff like that. But no use waiting around for things to happen....

And yeah, I hope this thread can help people in any way.... Its cool seeing others put their situation up on here and talking about it. In the end we're all here to help each other out, right?

Shit, this is pretty close to my story, girl with bad experiences, I date her for 4 months, much of it rocky. She seemed to be getting involved in the relationship at the end, but then all of a sudden dropped contact, ignored calls and texts, and then called 3 days later and told me "She wasn't ready for a full on relationship". She blamed me for quite a few things that weren't my fault, pushing her too hard, etc. But ultimately, I just don't think she wanted to even consider any kind of commitment. I guess the emotional abuse from her ex did more to her than I thought. The girl I met 4 years ago was nowhere to be found in my relationship.

Day 3.

[confusius]

Nice excuse to give yourself so's that you can cross a personal boundary on yourself. BS! You now the consequences of getting involved with a friend or a co-worker so it's your job NOT TO ALLOW YOURSELF to fall for someone who is a friend or a co-worker. Don't give us your bs excuse because you're lazy and you find it easier to give in then have personal convictions.

More bs you tell yourself. You have to change your mindset is all. She is a co-worker nothing more, nothing less. She is a co-worker and "I don't get involved with co-workers" so, I should be able to say a friendly hello and carry on in my day and not feel like my heart is being ripped through my penis hole for doing so.

Stop giving yourself excuses to do the same thing and then expect different outcomes. Change what you're doing and what you have done and you will get a different result.. It's that simple.

You f*cking stop saying BS. Dude has his feelings and the way you behave doesn't mean everyone has to or is just lazy to behave like you. What the f*ck is this. What is the point of telling him that what he does is BS and such. Geeez! give people a break dude. Seriously, what is your problem?

[tremolo]

tremelo even if hes there you may not see him there.. there will be a lot of people there.. YOU CANT LET HIM CONTROL YOU... what i mean is if you want to go... GO... dont not do things BECAUSE of him

That's pretty much how I feel, DH, but I don't want him to think I've been scheming on ways to see him again. I also don't want him to feel like I'm infringing on his territory, since I have no business being there apart from being the guest of my friends...

I'm also worried that seeing him again might resurrect all my lingering feelings for him... then again, I might see him and think, 'What was I thinking?'

I don't know. ****, I hate breakups!

[OmnicronPercei8]

Wakeup, while I appreciate the bluntness of your response, my mindset isn't really what's in question in this thread and neither was how I ended up in the situation I'm in. This thread was for no contact, so I guess until I can get out of here I'm just screwed with that. All she needs to do is see my face to send me a simple email about how some such family affair that I had known about is working out now. I try to keep it polite but brief and that's all there is but I guess what I was asking is, do I just need to ignore her completely until I'm gone

And of course I don't see her as "just a coworker" because while she's down there laughing and carrying on with other coworkers, I'm sitting here in pain wondering how she could have moved on so quickly when she claimed she was so madly in love for me. I'm sure you didn't see any of your ex's that you truly loved as anything less while you were still in pain longing for them.

[flynhayn]

This thread is making me wonder...

My ex was a lawyer, as is my best friend. It just so happens that my best friend - knowing I'm recently single - invited me to a Young Lawyers event in the city next month, which her new lawyer boyfriend and all his lawyer friends are going to. I really want to go, as I think it would be a great place to meet young single men, but I'm terrified that my ex might show up. I remember him being kind of flaky about events like that in the past. Sometimes he would plan to go, and then something more interesting would come up, so he wouldn't go. I've been debating whether or not it's a good idea to go with my friend and her entourage... I figured if he was there I'd have plenty of people to talk to so he wouldn't feel like I came there to see him or anything. But aside from the issue of whether or not he'd be there, or whether or not he'd be annoyed to see me there, I wonder if it would help or hurt me to see him again now that I have some distance from our relationship. I suppose it's probably still too early...

Are you still wanting to date lawyers? I've always wondered how much better of a place this world would be without lawyers. Haha.

Anyways, its definitely good to get out and start making yourself available again.... I guess if you go through with this event just be prepared with a plan of action if homeboy shows up.

[flynhayn]

I totally believe in No Contact helping one to get to the stage of indifference. It's the only way actually to get there. That's how we get over grieving for a loved one who has passed away. We don't get to contact them again and that's why we have our memories of them that we can visit but the "longing" for them evaporates after time of not speaking.

Anyway: I had to comment on your story because I think that if someone admits to not wanting anything serious, has emotional walls up and says they don't want to be in a relationship that you should listen to them and get outta dodge so that you don't have to go through the emotional turmoil when they show that they were true to their word of not wanting anything committed. Never think you can break down someone's walls who admits to you that they have them. They need to come to terms with their last relationship before they'll ever be ready to be in one with you. Gospel.

Yup... a lot of people kept telling me to fight for her, but they obviously didn't understand the situation very well. This time there was nothing I could do about it.... it was all on her. It was extremely frustrating at first because she let her guard down for a while, but I guess in the end she wasn't able to let it down completely for a relationship. Sometimes you just can't fight for something that isn't there. It's just like poker.... even if you have a good hand, it's better to fold against someone who is obviously got the winning hand (even if they're bluffing), and give yourself the chance to keep playing later..... rather than go all in too early and lose everything completely.

Ok that might have been a little lame. Ha

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, while I appreciate the bluntness of your response, my mindset isn't really what's in question in this thread and neither was how I ended up in the situation I'm in. This thread was for no contact, so I guess until I can get out of here I'm just screwed with that. All she needs to do is see my face to send me a simple email about how some such family affair that I had known about is working out now. I try to keep it polite but brief and that's all there is but I guess what I was asking is, do I just need to ignore her completely until I'm gone

And of course I don't see her as "just a coworker" because while she's down there laughing and carrying on with other coworkers, I'm sitting here in pain wondering how she could have moved on so quickly when she claimed she was so madly in love for me. I'm sure you didn't see any of your ex's that you truly loved as anything less while you were still in pain longing for them.

One has to work hard to maintain success so I'm not saying that it will be a simple task to move past your pain but it's certainly possible and it takes you being motivated to not want to hurt anymore. You can rethink your reaction to her when you see her having fun with her co-workers and having moved on so that your reaction is indifferent. it will just take time. If it means that you have to ask her to stop emailing you as if you were old buddies then so be it. This is about YOU and your healing and you shouldn't worry that if you ignore her she'll be hurt. Make this all about you from now on and how you'll not allow yourself to view her with wanting and pain but rather indifference and acceptance.

Do, do yourself a favor and stop using the excuse of 'you can't help who you fall for.' Love is a choice and if you choose not to let yourself become vulnerable or involved with someone you know will not be good for you should the relationship end, then you can certainly avoid falling for that person... No?


I wish you well and a speedy journey to indifference to this chick at your work. I also Thank you for your reply without over reaction to me trying to wake you up. You handled what I had to say with grace and maturity more then some of those in this thread that I wasn't even talking to. Good on you.

[flynhayn]

Shit, this is pretty close to my story, girl with bad experiences, I date her for 4 months, much of it rocky. She seemed to be getting involved in the relationship at the end, but then all of a sudden dropped contact, ignored calls and texts, and then called 3 days later and told me "She wasn't ready for a full on relationship". She blamed me for quite a few things that weren't my fault, pushing her too hard, etc. But ultimately, I just don't think she wanted to even consider any kind of commitment. I guess the emotional abuse from her ex did more to her than I thought. The girl I met 4 years ago was nowhere to be found in my relationship.

Day 3.

Yeah man.... these things suck. Especially when they get involved enough to get you to give your 100%, just to find out that they're not ready. But, people in her situation will eventually get past their issues and be ready for a relationship.... and as long as she got to know the real you, she'll remember that when she's ready. Just gotta hope it won't take 30 years for her to get over her stuff. Haha

[Cerby]

It was hard to be the real me when I was trying so hard to just make it work, a lot of unusual insecurity and jealousy came out that I never knew I had, so right now I want to move on I guess. It's super hard because my brother had his baby last night, and my ex and I helped out with them a lot to get ready. I want to at least tell her it was born, but I don't know if it's a good idea...

[that one guy]

It was hard to be the real me when I was trying so hard to just make it work, a lot of unusual insecurity and jealousy came out that I never knew I had, so right now I want to move on I guess. It's super hard because my brother had his baby last night, and my ex and I helped out with them a lot to get ready. I want to at least tell her it was born, but I don't know if it's a good idea...

I wouldn't tell her. If she cared enough, she'll ask you. That's my opinion.

[Purrzzzzzz]

That's pretty much how I feel, DH, but I don't want him to think I've been scheming on ways to see him again. I also don't want him to feel like I'm infringing on his territory, since I have no business being there apart from being the guest of my friends...

I'm also worried that seeing him again might resurrect all my lingering feelings for him... then again, I might see him and think, 'What was I thinking?'

I don't know. ****, I hate breakups!

I think that the fact that you are wondering what he will think means you are not ready to see him yet...