He has a girlfriend... is he into me or not?

[scd]

About 6 months ago I met a guy online through an internet website (not a dating one).. we had one chat on Skype and it went well but I stopped chatting after that simply because I was in a new relationship and busy seeing my new boyfriend etc...

After my boyfriend broke up with me I was bored (and yes, perhaps lonely) and started chatting online again... I started chatting to this guy again after a hiatus of one month and he seemed really interested and keen to know what I'd been up to etc.

A few weeks later I told him I was looking for jobs and asked for his help in translating my cv since I'm living in Europe and need it in languages other than English. He spent so much time and effort on translating my cvs and cover letters.. hours and hours of effort, chatting or typing to me on Skype, emailing me and doing corrections and all very promptly.

I was absolutely blown away by this kind gesture which made me start to get interested in him... we always had/have a lot to talk about too and there are never any awkward silences.

Some time doing this period he told me he has a girlfriend and my heart just sank. He had only been going out with her a month or so before we first 'met' (chatted).

He doesn't talk about her much but I am more than certain they are having problems. For one thing there is quite a large age gap between them and only 3 years' difference between our ages. She is way younger than him.

We live about 3-4 hours apart and 2 months ago I had to go to his town on business. I asked if he was free to meet up and he was but we only had about 2 hours to spend together that day. 2 weeks late I had to go back again and asked if he was free. This time I made sure I took a later train home to maximise my time in this beautiful city. I was ecstatic when he said he was free again and we spent the whole day together. It was not technically a date but it felt like one. The weather was gorgeous and it was honestly one of the happiest days of my life and I'll remember it forever. I felt like I was in a movie.

During that day I noticed that he was a bit funny whenever I tried to get close to him physically. I mean just a playing tap on the hand or shoulder or even wanting to take a photo of us together. I spoke to an older and wiser male friend about this and he says it's more than likely that this guy was feeling guilty... because apart from that he was DEFINITELY giving me signs that he liked me.

He constantly praised and flattered me (and still does)... He did romantic and chilvarous and kind gestures. He doesn't make much money being a full-time student but he paid for everything and refused to let me pay for anything. He showed me some truly beautiful sights around his city. I actually felt like a princess that day but there was this horrible feeling at the back of my head (heart?) that he has a girlfriend and he's not mine...

Meanwhile, it's been about 2 months since that day and we've slowed down the chats due to both our busy schedules. However, we've resorted to emailing each other now. We write each other long and meaningful emails discussing deep topics. There is nothing mushy or overly flirty in our emails and definitely no talk about sex or anything like that. It's just a serious and heart felt discussion.

He never calls me and I never call him because we are living in two different countries and it's too expensive. However we do text from time to time. I text him more than he texts me but when I do he always replies immediately.

The other day something awful happened to me and immediately there was only ONE person out of all the people that I know, including family and close friends that I wanted to tell this to: him. I'm totally smitten. As I expected, he really did help me.

When I asked if he was free he said he would be free in about 1.5 hours. It ended up being 2.5 hours later but I didn't mind. We ended up talking on Skype (the first time in almost 3 months now) until 3am in the morning. The reason why so late was because neither of us wanted to get off the 'phone' chat. It really was painful. I was so ridiculously tired and he said he had to get up early the next morning yet neither of us was willing to make the first move to get off. We also had 3-4 silences but they were not awkward. We'd just stare into the screen and into each others' eyes and I was just falling for him deeper and deeper.. I feel that he always has my best interests at heart.. but...

I've told my story to my older and wiser friend and being a male he's given me his perspective. He says that it's very unlikely that he'll leave his gf unless there is something much much better (ie me).

The problem is, however, that we live more than 3 hours apart!! so it would in fact be a long distance relationship even if everything else was perfect.

I have several questions:

1. Is what he doing considered cheating? We've not even held hands or kissed but he did spend that whole day with me (I'm not sure if he gf knew or not. maybe not).

2. Is he interested in me or not? He never calls me but he seems to have done everything else right. He is really taking the time to know me, he cares about what I think about various topics, when we were together he was a total gentleman and kind. He spends a long time writing me long and thoughtful emails. He helps me with stuff whenever I ask for it...

3. Should I tell him how I feel about him?

4. I had considered inviting him to visit me in my home town but didn't want to ask him for fear that he'd say no (and to me that would be 'proof' that he was just not that into me) but to my surprise during our 3+ hour chat that night HE brought it up. He said he could come and visit me and I could show him the sights like he did with me that day (note he did not invite me to his place that day, and he lives alone. his gf lives elsewhere). I get the feeling it would just be a day thing he was suggesting. That's why I feel in some way he IS into me because he's never mentioned either of us going to the other's houses (because that usually means they want one thing... right?)


I feel like I can't do anything. I'm not going to even bring up the topic let along ask him to leave his current gf. I'm not an evil person like that. If he leaves I want him to do it on his own accord and will.

I've been told that if he does leave his gf what's to say he won't do it again to me... so I can't win because currently I'm miserable and even if he leaves her we'll still be in a long distance relationship and who knows what he is doing when I am not there.


Do we even have a chance, or am I just dreaming? I don't know what the solution is.

I find it impossible to even date or think about other men because my heart just wants him. I feel so sad and think about this day and night

[Wakeup]

During that day I noticed that he was a bit funny whenever I tried to get close to him physically. I mean just a playing tap on the hand or shoulder or even wanting to take a photo of us together. I spoke to an older and wiser male friend about this and he says it's more than likely that this guy was feeling guilty... because apart from that he was DEFINITELY giving me signs that he liked me.

More like he was afraid to lead you on or, afraid that you would plaster pictures of him and you and tag them on facebook so his girlfriend, family and friends would see them and get all screwed up over them.

Shame on you for persuing this and trying to get a man who has a girlfriend. How would you feel if you were his girlfriend and he was chatting on line with another woman and meeting her behind your back while she tried to get cozy with him? Shame on you for enabling this to go on. Karma will let you know how it feels if you keep this charade going.

Find a man of your own in your own home town and forget this one existed. Your "older and wiser" friend is not so wise if he hasn't advised you to get away from someone who is stringing you along and engaging you in an emotional affair. If he does it with you, he'll do it on you and you'd never be able to trust him on a computer if you were his gf.

[smackie9]

Never believe a guy that tells you that things are bad with his BF, the majority of the time it's a lie. It is cheating hun....you don't have to have sex to call it cheating, it's called an emotional affair. He is a spineless twit, because he doesn't have the guts to break up with is GF, and would rather cheat over the net instead. He is a liar and a cheat, and you are right, there is nothing stopping him from doing this to you. I bet he has a few others like yourself on the go over the net as well. If it doesn't feel right or look right, it's not.

[Petit Papillon]

Sorry but whenever I read something like a girl is into a guy who's in a relationship , I get mad. It's like you couldn't find a guy who's ****ing single ? If he would be sooooo into you like you say, he would break it off with his gf long time ago . And now, you make him cheat on her (in whatever way) . Sorry but for me you're worse than a person who cheats. I hate such girls like you. Find your own piece of cake !!!

[Windmillback]

Well,.. we don't have to hate you, but realize that people get hurt at a very deep emotional level by the actions of people that are like the actions of you and him as well. He has a girlfriend, so if you are going to befriend him, keep it at the proper level and don't persue more. If you have just too big of a crush on him, than tell him politely that you must take some distance because you are starting to get romantic inclinations for him. For your own sake, don't try to figure out exactly what he is thinking or if he is into you or what is going on with him. He has a GF and that is it.

[misombra]

1. Is what he doing considered cheating? We've not even held hands or kissed but he did spend that whole day with me (I'm not sure if he gf knew or not. maybe not).

i would not consider it cheating. i would consider it "going there."

2. Is he interested in me or not? He never calls me but he seems to have done everything else right. He is really taking the time to know me, he cares about what I think about various topics, when we were together he was a total gentleman and kind. He spends a long time writing me long and thoughtful emails. He helps me with stuff whenever I ask for it...

he seems to be interested in you. but he is not trying to go there. which is why he doesn't call you.

3. Should I tell him how I feel about him?

he already knows how you feel about him.

4. I had considered inviting him to visit me in my home town but didn't want to ask him for fear that he'd say no (and to me that would be 'proof' that he was just not that into me) but to my surprise during our 3+ hour chat that night HE brought it up. He said he could come and visit me and I could show him the sights like he did with me that day (note he did not invite me to his place that day, and he lives alone. his gf lives elsewhere). I get the feeling it would just be a day thing he was suggesting. That's why I feel in some way he IS into me because he's never mentioned either of us going to the other's houses (because that usually means they want one thing... right?)

i think i would consider this jumping the border into cheating town. you would be making a bad decision. he has a girlfriend and it kinda sounds like he isn't trying to go there with you. i think you should leave him alone. tell him to call you when he breaks up with that girl.

[Petit Papillon]

And you know what? You're a proof to me that there are those biatches out there who don't care about guys being in relationship to someone. They also do everything so the guy starts to be interested in them.I smell women like you from 1000's of kilometers. I always spot a good and a bad woman. I tell you.

[IncognitoSir]

Didn't even read it all, but check this out. If your boyfriend was doing what he's doing with you online, would it upset you? Would it cause trust issues? Of course it would, because he's cheating which brings me to my next point. If he's doing this with you now, what makes you think he wouldn't do this TO YOU in a relationship........hell, he's doing right now. Don't be fooled by kind gesture, look at the situation for what it is. He's both seeking and giving attention to another female online instead of managing his relationship. Rather that means working on it or breaking it off. Open your eyes.

[Wakeup]

(note he did not invite me to his place that day, and he lives alone. his gf lives elsewhere).

And.... you know that how? Because he told you? Please dont' be so trusting and so bloody dumb about this guy.

Do we even have a chance, or am I just dreaming? I don't know what the solution is.

I find it impossible to even date or think about other men because my heart just wants him. I feel so sad and think about this day and night

Do you know how pathetic that sounds? Do you have fear of commitment so you go after men you know you can't have do to relationship status or circumstance? Go no contact with the guy and quit persuing him and soon enough you'll come back to your senses. You're being skanky and you're wasting valuable courtship time with someone who is actually available to love you without someone in the background.

Keeeerist what is wrong with people?

[scd]

I appreciate everyone's advice and I have decided to stop contact with this guy. What he does after remains to be seen but from my end I'm not doing anything more.

I had never heard of this term 'emotional affair' before so thank you for bringing it up. I did NOT realise that what we were doing was considered one. I did a bit of reading about the topic after...

I find, however, some of the comments way too harsh and presumptuous of me. NO I do NOT have commitment phobia and NO I do not go around doing this thing on a regular basis. In fact I was married once to a guy that I had been with in total 6 years so I do not have any sort of commitment problems. And not that I need to defend myself but this has NEVER happened to me before (hence not knowing how to react) and at the beginning I never knew he had a gf and I simply wanted to be friends with him. Is it a crime that I developed feelings for him?

[scd]

And.... you know that how? Because he told you? Please dont' be so trusting and so bloody dumb about this guy.

OK so I don't know for 100% sure but I believe him. And he lives in a tiny tiny studio. Yes I've seen it when we were chatting on Skype and there didn't seem to be anything girly left lying about the place. Plus if she lived there wouldn't she have been around when we were chatting? I know she goes there from time to time but doesn't mean she lives there.

[Bootsie]

Jeeze, she came on here to ask for advice. Not people making harsh comments about her when they dont actually know her and dont actually no how she is feeling about all of this. Yes perhaps she was a little bit naive, but im sure we all have been at some point!

[Cinnabella]

The answer is very short and simPle, ppl who have a heart and moral would keep the distance with ppl who are in relationship/ married. Everyone already told you what is truth.

You Claim yourself not an evil but keep going on with that guy and I can honestly say: try to get his attention.

Look girl, I met this kind of guy in university already, and he was a real Asshole that would try to get my Love even though he had a gf, and I was able to say No cause he had gf and shouldn't be an ass like that. He was like a slave and tried to buy pills and food to bring to my house when I was sick, which I had to pretend as not home.

Another example? My very latest ex, who claimed that all his ex betrayed him, his Ex wife told me that the truth was totally opposite. So, don't trust those guys so easily especially the ones would do those things behind his gf's back.

Btw, Karma does exist. You will pay what you lent.

[Cinnabella]

Jeeze, she came on here to ask for advice. Not people making harsh comments about her when they dont actually know her and dont actually no how she is feeling about all of this. Yes perhaps she was a little bit naive, but im sure we all have been at some point!

Naive doesn't mean try to get someone' else bf. There are no reasons for her being like this but it's in purpose. When she knew that he was in relationship she should be able to stay away instead of trying to create some romantic scenes. Simple.

[Bootsie]

Hmm and im sure you have never made a mistake? she'll learn from it and move on.