I feel like she kicked me in the nuts. still took the high road.

[survivor08]

Ok, long time since I have spent time here. I have been staying productive working, I travel lots for work, (sales) and I have been meeting people, and continuing to hone my salsa dancing skills for fun, hitting the gym 3 to 5 times a week, I look and feel great as I approach my 41 years of age. For 2 years I haven't seriously dated after my last serious breakup (in 08) There has been a couple of brief short relationships which haven't lasted, and I have been unaffected by them not working out. Till now.

In Feb or March I meet a girl at my local salsa spot that I just recently had discovered. We danced, (she is advanced, I am intermediate this comes into play) we hit it off, my co workers thought we made a cute couple and after a couple of more encounters, I get her contact info. This is the first lady I am really interested in getting to know for possibly more.

I pursue her, letting her know I am interested, she comes over my place for a few nights, many nights in a row just to spend the night, and for 2 weeks after we start dating she holds off on giving me sex because she says she is a lady and wants to get to know me and not rush into things. I like that.She is from Central America but Americanized, as she has been here since her teens.

After a weekend trip to Vegas where I invite her and take care of everything, we really hit it off, have great sex, (she says I am the best she ever had.) She is 42 years old and because she was married for 15 years, and only had very few sexual relationships since then (so she claims.) occasionally she throws out the word "mi amor" my love, It hits me in the right spot, I love hearing it from her.

2 months go by and everything going great, healthy times, she comes over my place, I cook dinner (she can't cook for crap) and spends the night, and leaves in the morning. Went to a couple of parties, her friends give her the thumbs up on me, she is happier yada yada yada. BUT i overlook one thing. She is a big metaphysics fan, a serious one. I am not.
Monday she calls me and asks if I wanted to go with her to the metaphysics class she used to attend and claims never missed that class until up until she became a zumba instructor and now couldn't assist. (I didn't know this was a test that I would fail) I go, I am respectful, engaging, even took notes (however, she later criticized me for not taking active notes and even asking her to take them for us.)

We come back to my place and then I get the talk: main points, she wished she could meet someone who was into metaphysics as much as she was because it was important to her. Her ex husband would always make her feel supportive of everything she was into, she felt I didn't show that support for her on this. I rebuttal, with a message around that I would be more than happy to explore this more, buy a couple of books, read and discuss the books with her. She calls me on it saying that she would not want me to do things to please her, but to do things for myself. WTF? that is what being in a relationship is all about.
She then says how we do not share the same interests. She doesn't care for my modified SUV and doing off road camping trips, surfing, etc.

That night I tell her maybe she should slow things down with me, and perhaps hold off for the right person who is into metaphysics as she would like him to be. I am calm, try to be supportive and try not to show any disappointment. I offer to take whatever she can give me in the relationship, even going as much as just being a booty call for now it that is all she can give me. She says she doesn't want to do that because is against her principles. I then tell her perhaps she should reduce the amount of time coming over and she says she just enjoy being with me way too much, and comes over and gives me a big hug.
point is: I feel I did sound damage control.

Tuesday she comes over, we have dinner, we talk we go to bed. Everything is cool. Wednesday is a standard routine for me: go to the office, go to the gym, go to my salsa classes, go to the salsa club. (when I am not traveling outside of my area) I am supposed to meet her there because she is going to show up and celebrate a friend's birthday. I end up not seeing her there, nor calling for her (my cell is in the car) I have a good time, come home and on the way home she calls me asking if I was there, She says she was in the back of the club where she normally is and I find it strange how she doesn't bother to look for me (She doesn't feel comfortable announcing to everyone that she has a new love in her life, as she says the guys would stop asking her to dance out of respect. (I think this is bs, but i don't think much of it.) In a previous discussion i let her know I don't care she can dance with anybody she pleases, as long as i feel she doesn't disrespect me. But i would have an issue if she treats with me with indifference as it would make for a weird vibe coming out from her when I am around her at these places.

She says she wants to come over my place as usual. She wants me to shower (hint at she wanting some loving) I am tired, and I skip the shower, we have no sex, we go to bed, happy with her company as usual. Next night she comes over again, and this time I want some sex (we hadn't had it since last Wednesday over a week.) I don't get it, I don't like the way she responds to my touches, I see a change in her attitude towards me. She is not her usual touchy, and sweet self. She says she is tired, that she will give me some in the morning. She doesn't. Which is then I have the talk. I suggest we take a break from each other, and figure out where we want to take this relationship, and it is good timing because on monday I am out of town till friday. perhaps enough time for no contact. We can then talk about it when I return. She says something along the way first that not to be silly, I probe for more, remind her that she is not as affectionate towards me, I see a change and I am concerned. She acknowledges it, and has her own reasons and mentions she keeps a list. And that perhaps she doesn't have time to be in a relationship.

Saturday she texts me with a hello, small talk. I call her, she doesn't pick up, and I request to wanting to talk about the cooling off period, (At this point I was thinking I over reacted) I send her an email with my thoughts. letting her know I have for the most part, very happy having her in my life. I know my feelings are growing for her, and want to see if we can move past this.

Things don't go as planned. She says that her feelings have changed for me as of Monday, that it is very hard for her to change her feelings back once she goes there. She brings the typical reasons: not feeling supported abut metaphysics, even her zumba, that she can just tell and the fact that she wants somebody who doesn't travel that much (I was honest with her about my work schedule from the beginning.)
I listen, I try to reason with her, but she comes out with the real big deal breakers: That I may lack the stability she would like in her mate, that I don't have my own home at my age, ( I rent and live alone) that I may have my priorities wrong for wanting to build my Mexico property over planning on buying a home in the US, and that I have had multiple jobs, and that she has learned to value consistency, and stability.

At 42 she owns her own home where she has lived for 10 years or so, (stayed in the house after her divorce) has worked for the same company for 15 years. At this point I feel like she kicked me in the balls. And I know she could have kept her message much shorter and didn't have to be some detailed. A quick "we don't share the same values would have been good enough" something.

Closes her reasons for breaking up (saying I am a very nice guy....) and wants me to stay in touch and check in once in a while. I tell her that I am really not interested in this, my only interest is having her in my life in as a casual relationship, something more, and possibly making her my girlfriend in the future. She is surprised I say i want no contact, reminds me about some of the same places we frequent, and If I will even acknowledge her, of course I will, i'll say hi, but I will not stand by her and shoot the shit that is for sure. I thank her for the time she did give me during our brief time together wish her luck and say good buy. I then delete her contact info. I didn't take this too well, she ended up measuring me up and letting me know I came up short of her expectations. That is a hard thing to take for a man with pride. I will eventually buy my own place, and damn her for bringing this to my face.

The problem is that I have been smitten, and I started to feel deep feelings for her. Hence this break up feels like a mild heart break. I am bummed.

I believe I did the right thing by letting her know that there should be no contact from her unless she reconsiders this relationship right? Knowing she is likely to want to call when she is laying there lonely and wanting some company, and remembering the multi orgasms I gave her during sex. what say u? sorry for the lengthy banter.

One thing, she has no kids, never wanted kids, her former husband didn't want kids either, so they traveled lots instead while married. at 42 she has very few eggs in her basket remaining. I would like to have kids someday. To form a family. Maybe I should never got this far with this lady, knowing that.

[Mathias]

Seems like you two are pretty different people. One of the key things I took from there is that she keeps actively trying to change you - that's just always a sign of disaster.

I think you're doing the right thing throughout this. I don't think this is a relationship that's going to amount to anything, though, nor should it.

[survivor08]

Seems like you two are pretty different people. One of the key things I took from there is that she keeps actively trying to change you - that's just always a sign of disaster.

I think you're doing the right thing throughout this. I don't think this is a relationship that's going to amount to anything, though, nor should it.

Actually we have cultural similarities as well as family values. This woman was raised to be a good house wife, and the traditional side of me finds that attractive. Trouble is like a messed up divorce situations that arise from cheating, she was forced to file for divorce and her life changed completely, but there is a side of her that is very appealing. She is really a nice woman and lovely woman. Too bad she is so hung up on this metaphysics thing. She also has trust issues I can see, and the fact that I am a traveling sales pro makes her concerned I come across opportunities.

I don't think she was trying to change me, rather she took an assessment about me and yeah, my hole lifestyle didn't match hers too well. Also, I am sure the fact that I told her about my battle with cancer also made her concerned, and I understand if it did. Poor girls knees are so shot she can hardly go down a flight of stairs.This pretty much removes her from doing many outdoor activities with me. I would tell her that I didn't mind if she was into my hobbies, that I have good friends to do those activities with, I just wanted to have what she was starting to give me, a nice, lovely companionship. As of last Wednesday in the heat of the moment we swore to be in each others lives for many many years. I could tell she wanted to hear this from me and it reassured her I wasn't in it for the short term. We were becoming good friends i thought, we had good laughs, good dinner conversations, we enjoyed each others time. I would have done everything in my possibility for this woman.

I wonder if after all this was said and done, if months later i happen to show up at one of her zumba classes and surprise her, just to see her reaction, after I am completely over her. When I can possibly even be a civil acquaintance. I just know she was bothered about the no contact rule as it made me believe she wanted to keep a door open for a possibility of reconsidering her options, in spite of what she shared about making it difficult for her to feel what she was feeling as of last week again. I am ok, I feel strong, and I am doing good, and in a good place in life. This is just a temporary set back. I have other ladies wanting to go out with me as I speak. I just was focused on her completely. Time to go back into the fish pond and keep exploring.

[IndiReloaded]

You are looking for someone to support your remaining hopeful, but I agree with Mathias. This isn't going anywhere. Sorry. Plus, she sounds kinda nuts... do you know why she is divorced?

[survivor08]

You are looking for someone to support your remaining hopeful, but I agree with Mathias. This isn't going anywhere. Sorry. Plus, she sounds kinda nuts... do you know why she is divorced?

Her husband cheated on her with probably more than 1 girl. She was smart and hired an investigator to prove it. After she got proof she went to an attorney the next day and filed for divorce.

[IndiReloaded]

Ew, so she's going to have major trust issues as well. All I can say is, while her ex sounds like a douche, remember she did make the decision to marry him. This tells me either her judgement is suspect or something about their relationship drove him to cheat. Marriage problems rarely happen in a vacuum and are one-sided.

Anyway, I saw you are moving on, for now. I think this is the right decision for both of you. Future is unwritten, and all that.

[HeartIsAching]

She's controlling and incompatible with you... you're better off without her.

[survivor08]

She's controlling and incompatible with you... you're better off without her.

I will be better off without her. I need to be more careful of the women I want to pursue, age, maturity, values, where they are in life. To avoid these situations, I am also going to go on more disclosure up front, so the women, those looking for certain things (job levels, income levels, cash flow, wealth, spirituality, etc. etc.) will get a better pic of who I am and WHERE I am.

Today a friend gave me a good insight on how some women may think. This girl was probably annoyed by me in the end that I wasn't going to fulfill her LIST to where she would have wanted it (This may be another problem she will have to face, but for the sake of analysis) She did state to me more than a few times that she was picky about the men she would date. After realizing that I wasn't going to fulfill her list, she got annoyed on herself for spending the time she did with me, as opposed to never going down this road, or cutting her losses earlier. Either way, she is probalby lacking kindness, and the fact she doesn't want any kids also means she lacks nurturing traits that would definetly be required by a woman who so chooses to live with a man who can eventually face more health challenges and would need to be there for him. Somehting she wasn't going to sign up for today.

I makes good sense looking at it this way. Saturday night I sent her an email (last correspondence on my part) asking what she would like me to do with the cosmetics she left in my bathroom. (I really don't think she was prepared to end it on Saturdsay as she otherwise would have taken her crap with her.) As of today she hasn't responded to my email. She is respecting my no contact rule and I appreciate that. I guess I will drop off her stuff and place it on her door step.

[survivor08]

This is a process. I am surprised I am still sad over this. Last night I went out for a bit of fun, and had a pretty mid 20s single lady asking me to join her and her friend for drinks later in the week (I am way from home on business) This girl is is friendly, pretty, and full of compliments for me, and all I think about is my ex friend on my way back to the hotel room.

[Wakeup]

Why do you think of her? Surely you realize that you're away from a set in her ways, demanding, pompous, emasculating, misandrist that sets things up for failure? I'm a chick but I'd never trust a woman who wanted to sleep in my bed but not have sex with me. It's good to get to know someone first before sex but you build up false feelings when you're cuddling without the benefit of knowing if your libidos match or not. Obviously your libidos were way off scale to one anothers. I'd not allow sleeping together until after sex is introduced. Something to think about for the future (with someone new).

I think she sounds like an eccentric and those types are never fun to be around too often unless you yourself are eccentric as well. I think you're more down to earth than you are eccentric.

If she's so into metaphysics and wishes she could meet someone that was as well, then why hasn't she attracted that person to her? She sounds like a flake and I'm sorry you waste good dates (the girl you just met) by thinking about her and her pompouscuity. (haha is that a word?)

Son... you, sir can do better. Start with someone sane.

[survivor08]

Why do you think of her? Surely you realize that you're away from a set in her ways, demanding, pompous, emasculating, misandrist that sets things up for failure? I'm a chick but I'd never trust a woman who wanted to sleep in my bed but not have sex with me. It's good to get to know someone first before sex but you build up false feelings when you're cuddling without the benefit of knowing if your libidos match or not. Obviously your libidos were way off scale to one anothers. I'd not allow sleeping together until after sex is introduced. Something to think about for the future (with someone new).

I think she sounds like an eccentric and those types are never fun to be around too often unless you yourself are eccentric as well. I think you're more down to earth than you are eccentric.

If she's so into metaphysics and wishes she could meet someone that was as well, then why hasn't she attracted that person to her? She sounds like a flake and I'm sorry you waste good dates (the girl you just met) by thinking about her and her pompouscuity. (haha is that a word?)

Son... you, sir can do better. Start with someone sane.

Thank you, and yes, I can do better, and younger. lol.

Hum, maybe a good point about not letting someone sleep in my bed before sex is introduced. Although I didn't necessarily invented the rules on dating. We spent a few nights sleeping in my bed before we had sex, and that appealed to me as I understood it to be of someone with a sense of values. Im not defending the siituation, or her eccentric ways (I did think she was a bit eccentric like all artists can be.) And to call a spade a spade, we did have a compatible sex drive and she met my needs just fine, and I met hers, we even introduced sex toys into the equation early on after we got together (she has a few toys lol.)

You want to know why she didn't attract a cool, good looking, active, charming, financially secured, thoughtful, reliable single, male who is into methapysics? BECAUSE there isn't one LOL. Nobody I ask about Metaphysics has even a clue what that is, except for my ivy league masters educated friend who wrote a thesis on the subject. He even inferrered? Is this some kind of California freak culture? Do they practice it as a religion? We shared a couple of laughs on it and that was it. I don't even know how this educated with nuns in Central America girl came accross this crazyness and feels it satisfies her spirituality that Catholicism doesn't. Again, she is eccentric, an extrovert, has a tons of acquaintances, and always has social invites going on. She is not that crazy, just midly so.

Also, I think there is something about a woman who admits to never considering wanting kids. What say you? normal, something off? lacking nurturing qualities?

[IndiReloaded]

You want to know why she didn't attract a cool, good looking, active, charming, financially secured, thoughtful, reliable single, male who is into methapysics? BECAUSE there isn't one LOL.

Methaphysics (sic), ha. That sounds much more interesting than metaphysics. As for the rest of your point, correct. Nice bullet dodge.

[survivor08]

Well 2 weeks later I am no longer sad but call me crazy. I still think about her and miss her not having her in my bed some nights of the week. I am sticking to my no contact rule and so is she. To get some emotions out of the way (besides going on with my life). I have wirtten a no send letter. Just to get my feelings on paper. (I won't send it.)

[survivor08]

There is a lady who is interested in me. Very. 2 nights ago we went out and had a couple of drinks, danced, had a good time. Last night I went to our Sunday salsa place with friends, (the lady who I had gone on a date the night before also showed up) and the ex was there. She was talking to someone at the bar, I didn't come up to say hello, we just stared at each other for a while, than I walked away.

Closing time later I walk the lady friend to the valet line, and while I am there, the ex and her best friend (who I would normally say hello with a hug) walked right by us and didn't say a peep. That was an awkward moment I didn't expect. I don't like seeing her in the places i am hanging out at. It does not do well for my feelings.

At 6 am I wake up and noticed the ex texted me at 4 AM a quick "seeee how quickly you got over me..Lol" WTF? I no longer have her on my contact list. but I guess she decided to keep mine on hers. I shouldn't have replied back, but I let my feelings get the best of me, letting her know that she is mistaken and that I miss her (which is true) and that we were both fools for throwing our friendship/relationship away so suddenly. She didn't respond.

I hope that is the end of texts.

ladies, why would she text me in the first place?