Dont think i know what i want?

[JadenMia]

I have come to a conclusion, that i dont really know what i want relationships wise. 2 years ago i got into an amazing relationship, fast forward to now everything has turned sour. We dont get along, the amount of things we have done to each other has caused huge resentment from the both of us and most of our relationship consists of arguing and tears.

I did find the guts to leave him a few months back. At first it was amazing and i didnt think i would ever end up back with him.. But after a while, i felt so lonely and depressed i ended up asking him back. A part of me thought we would have gotten better, that our problems will get better, but they havnt at all. Right back to where we were. Our main problems is his disrespect in how he treats me. People say its abusive behaviour and i dont know if it really is or not..

Now i am back to where i was, i cant believe i thought things were going to get better! lol Its like my mind changes on me all the time.. When i wasnt with him, i wanted him. When i am with him, i want someone to love me like i deserve..
I spend my time day dreaming about having a man who would love me and treat me like a person..
Ever since i met this man i feel i have been in complete 'lala land', completely crazy about him, yet i know deep down i deserve so much more.

Has anyone else been so confused about what they want relationship wise? What advise would someone give me to end this for good? I am not even sure i love him anymore, i feel i am with him because i cannot stand being without him. I feel majorly depressed when im not with him and i am scared to feel like that again. He is almost like an addiction.. A very unhealthy one.

Thanks in advance.

[IncognitoSir]

I'll give you the same advice I gave myself. The fact that YOU"RE NOT HAPPY is all the reasoning you need to leave him for good. I thought about how great my ex was to me at one point. How we worked soooo well together, thought I'd marry her etc. None of that matters, because now everything has changed. I know she's selfish, I know she'll never treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Just like you know it'll never be treated the way you deserve to be treated. Your holding on to the past and living in the present.....but fearing the future with this guy. That's not what a relationship should be about. You should be cherishing the past, enjoying your time with him in the present and looking forward to the future! You just have to realize enough is enough already and stop tormenting yourself with this miserable relationship. It's a tough position to be in, I know, but I'm soooo much happier now that I've moved on from that pathetic situation and you should too.

[DannyH]

Looks like I'll be drilling that in to my head as well that's like the perfect way to sum it up Sir

[JadenMia]

I am so glad someone understands how tough of a position it is to be in. Everything you have said explains how i feel perfectly. All i want is that kind of relationship where i can actually look forward to a future with someone, to just be HAPPY. Not having to be upset everyday over something he has said, something he has done.. Its honestly draining. I feel like i am waiting for the time i can leave him and never look back. This has been going on since last October, i finally see that time isnt going to come and i just need to leave.
I was doing so well before, but we live in such a small town, i see him with other people, all my friends were our friends. Whenever getting over somebody in the past i have turned to friends, getting out more and spending time with other people. But its impossible that way this time. I have to constantly ask, 'oh is he going to be there?' whenever we have plans. When i do go out with friends, he finds out about and comes and joins us and tries to sweet talk me back into bed.

I also understand the only thing keeping me going back to him is the sex. The sex is just out of this world and i know thats what keeps him around too. It is a pathetic situation, you are so right. I feel like i am being degraded just being with him. It is soo pathetic. I am trying to battle my own issues right now too, so this whole thing added makes it even harder. Ugh. Thankyou so much for the advice

[Bonfire]

You know what you want, that's why you left him in the first place. But it's better to be with him than be lonely is why you return. You can't stand loneliness. That feeling is scary for a lot of people so they settle with what they can get. They will convince themselves that the other person isn't so bad, they'll ignore the bad and focus on the good. Eventually, they can't ignore the bad and it'll make them unhappy. In the end, all they did was wasted time and a chance to really find what they want.

[JadenMia]

You know what you want, that's why you left him in the first place. But it's better to be with him than be lonely is why you return. You can't stand loneliness. That feeling is scary for a lot of people so they settle with what they can get. They will convince themselves that the other person isn't so bad, they'll ignore the bad and focus on the good. Eventually, they can't ignore the bad and it'll make them unhappy. In the end, all they did was wasted time and a chance to really find what they want.

Perfect advise. I do know what i want, i want a healthy relationship, or not even that yet, just to be happy and get over him is all i really could ask for right now. I am scared of being alone, when i was alone, Ugh it was awful. I think the most shameful thing i feel.. Is jealousy. When we are not together, all he does is go out, drinking have a good time.. I, unlike him, have responsibilities. I am a supervisor at a store i cannot afford to miss work, i cannot just take days off when i please, he picks up dog sh*t for a living and does whatever. Its actually the most annoying thing when i broke up with him. I just felt like, after everything i put into us, the time, the effort, the money, my body, my heart.. He always gets the best out of it. It angers me so much but it is the most shameful feeling i have ever experienced.
Im also ashamed i am just taking the easy way out. I know i will feel so proud about it when i get away from him, yet, i make myself believe when i am upset that it wasnt that bad, that maybe i was at fault.. Yet when i am back in this stupid position i realise how much my mind has been playing tricks on me.

[lisa2011]

Yes. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but when we get it we're not happy. Then we find ourselves inexplicably attracted and drawn to "bad" relationships and unable to extract ourselves. Humans are strange. I've had this pattern myself so if I knew what to do to cure it, I would.

[JadenMia]

Yes. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but when we get it we're not happy. Then we find ourselves inexplicably attracted and drawn to "bad" relationships and unable to extract ourselves. Humans are strange. I've had this pattern myself so if I knew what to do to cure it, I would.

Yes, i am feeling so down about it. My problem i find is, when we are going through a rough patch, i am so intensely upset and depressed, all i want to do is sort things out with him. Have him hug me and tell me he loves me to make everything better. Have him hold me and tell me he didnt mean what he has done or said. During this stage, i know i should just leave, but i am so heartbroken about it, i just want to feel better not pile on the stress and leave him for it. I think i would just have a breakdown and probably want to end everything.. Thats honestly how i feel.
Then, when i get this, when i get the apology and the love and start to feel better. We are usually good for a day or two, loving affectionate, 'perfect'. I am so happy during that time that i dont want anything to ruin it and think 'i'll wait until he does something bad and just leave'. But then it never happens. It has been going like this since last October as i say and its just like an ever going routine.

Its so exhausting to my body and mind.. Its completely draining.. I wish i had never let myself get into this sickening pattern. I know i need to get out of it though.. I need to pluck up the strength to do it and just stick to it.

[MaidenMinx]

Yes. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but when we get it we're not happy. Then we find ourselves inexplicably attracted and drawn to "bad" relationships and unable to extract ourselves. Humans are strange. I've had this pattern myself so if I knew what to do to cure it, I would.

The cure is to really truly believe you deserve better.

I used to think I was a jerk magnet. I only seemed to be able to attract arseholes. My only other LTR was with a dole bludging douche who I wasted 4.5 years on, and spent about 3 years of that time not really wanting to be there but not really believing I deserved better. I also couldn't be alone, being alone is scary. So I didn't break up with himuntil I found someone else. I didn't technically cheat, as I broke it off with my ex-LTR before even kissing the other guy. But essentially that is just a technicality and I am not proud of myself for not just having the guts to get out without a back up plan. (the back up plan blew up in my face by the way. That's what I get)
After at least 6 months of what I now realise was promiscuous behaviour I spent 6 months celibate. BEST 6 MONTHS EVER! I learnt that I could be alone. I learnt that my 'type' was getting me no where and it was time for a change in attitude. Not too long after that, my husband and I got together. It's been 8 years all up now.

Jaden, leave him, and soon. Then when you have moments of 'Oh I want him back. Surely that's better than being alone!' come back and read this thread. You have it in your own writing, your mind tricks you into thinking this jerk is what you deserve. You deserve so much more. You just need to believe it.

[DannyH]

The whole coming back here and reading threads like this does help. Instead of going to facebook which I blocked and trying to see what she is up to I come here and it has made a world of difference. It's only literally like 2 days since I broke contact but have been broken up for six months and since I changed my way of thinking and my internet habits while feeling down I feel alot better. It's like I had to trick my mind into instead of wanting my ex girl back that I deserve more from a relationship. I just had to see the right thing and let everything click.

[rayallen]

i just think you are probably feeling lonely thats why. It takes time to recover and enjoy being single. I feel that everyone is the same. Once you get over the lonely period, you won't find him. I don't think you like him that much. Just give it time, like 3 to 6 months to let things calm down, i am pretty sure by that time you will not think about him that much and might even find someone else!

[hello1]

Some relationships just don't work. Fact you only took him back because you were lonely says everything...too many men out there too settle with the wrong one.

[AMEER ALWAFA]

what i advice you is:-

have a long serios disscussion with him in order to clarify things that you hate about him (( you said that he doesn't respect you)) and this is a big issue

you know when you talk with him you will be satisfied and also you will be stronge to choose not to stay with him because he does't deserve you at all.



if you choose to leave him after every this was clear for you
you will have the reason that will satisfy your minde
and you will not feel sorry about him

[sarahprincess]

I was the same with my ex. You know you deserve better, but there is a twinge of fear, thinking you may be way off for wanting what you think you deserve. Push that aside if that is how you feel. I know it is hard now, but you will most definitely find someone who can fit in your life the right way and that will LOVE to make you happy. They will respect you and cherish you. You will be so much happier because of it in the long run, believe me. Maybe it would also help to join some organizations or volunteer somewhere, it would help with making some friends that are just your friends and not his as well.

[JadenMia]

MaidenMinx, Its funny because that was so much like my situation before! When we split, i jumped right into the dating scene again. Now i see, i was being promiscuous and it made me no happier like i thought it would. If i split with him this time, i will not be sleeping with anyone, not even dating or anything.. It was just stupid. I'd like to be free of men for a while.. I think after staying away and just seeing girlfriends and old male 'actual friends'. I will get used to being alone and not be so upset about it. I'd like to just feel that freedom i long for, nobody to answer to. Have nothing but friends and just feel happy.

I have sat down and spoke to him about things, but it didnt really make me any happier when i left last time. When i ask him about anything he is doing that upsets me, he blows it off and says im silly and never makes a change. Thats IF he listens.. Sometimes when i ask him to talk about these things, (he smokes pot.. all day, everyday) he will just say he doesnt feel upto talking about anything, that hes too tired after work, if hes at home away from me he has friends over getting high, playing video games so its not the time to talk. Its so frustrating.. I have decided talking makes no difference or helps at all.

I do also have some of my own friends, mostly people that just dont like my boyfriend that know him, the others are from work who are actually really good friends. Things are just very complicated, because sometimes he is so good to me, makes me feel amazing and really acts as though he cares about me. Which is confusing to me in these times. Today for example, he has said nothing but nice things. Begging to see me, says he misses me as i didnt go to see him last night. Asked to take me on a date tonight.. All these kind of things. It throws me off you know?
I bought a notebook today, everytime the time comes around that he acts disgusting towards me, i am going to write down what he has done, how i feel and then i can keep looking back at everything i have wrote. I think this is really going to help to jog my mind about how awful it is sometimes. Because when looking here and listening to friends, everyone has their own opinions etc.. Yet this is will be my feelings ONLY.
I am also going to start planning my life without him. Instead of waiting for him to move out together, and doing things together, i am going to do everything for myself. Since we broke up last time i have been living with my parents, so i have decided to move out by myself. Relate nothing to him, except our time together. Dont blow my plans off with friends for him.
I just need to really get the ball rolling and start getting used to being alone. I know i can do it Thanks for everybodies replies!!! This sit is so so helpful, i couldnt be more grateful.