Please, help!!!

[bluedolphin]

Help with this roller coaster please
This is a bit long story but I am so desperate...I don't know what to do.....I am feeling depressed.
I met this guy online oner year ago (I am European and he is Australian). We were talking on Skype every second day for 4 months and we both were looking for the same: a serious relationship that could end up in marriage and children. He is 47 and I am 39. None of us had been married before.

After talking for 4 months he came over to Europe to meet me and we spent 3 weeks. Everything went fine apart from the strange fact that we never had any physical contact, sex during those 3 weeks. After another 2 months I went to Australia to live with him as we both agreed.

When I arrived in Australia he did not treat me as a partner at all. He did very strange things, such as sitting by himself on the couch separate from me. I would ask him if he could sit down next to me and he used to say: "I have been living by myself for 10 years and this is what I am used to doing". Many times he said no. When trying to kiss him he would tell me I was very demanding and I had high expectations, we would always go with friends but rarely by ourselves. In social events he would disappear and leave me alone considering I was new in the country and I didn't know anyone. We didn't have sex whether on the 3 weeks he visited me first and it took about 5 weeks till we had the first sexual interaction. Sex used to be so infrequent and I was always demanding it. I found really strange that he didn't have sex with me but masturbated in front of me from the very beginning. I found that so hurtful. He used to say that he was used to living by himself and he was not used to having someone with him. He used to say that he needed his privacy and space. While eating he wouldn't even have a conversation with me and many times he would finish eating and leave the table while I hadn't even finished.

Everything came to him being used to being by himself. Everytime I tried to talk about the issues he would become very defensive and end up accussing me of being demanding.

I had to organise a visa to stay in Australia after my first tourist visa expired. He never helped me with anything. I was trying to do a course and I had to look for the courses, apply for the visa, and do everything myself. Every time I talked to him he would get angry and aggressive. I needed to change the date on my air ticket and when I asked him which date to choose he would get angry and ignore me.

I was so tempted to leave so many times and I packed my clothes in the suitcase. My clothes were packed for 2 months out of the 4 and 1/2 that I spent there. Not once did he ask me to unpack and stay. Many times when I told him that I was leaving he would ask me to please not go and 3 days later he would tell me: "I think it is better you go". I kept changing my air ticket date because one day he asked me to stay and another to go.

At 48 years of age he used to call his mother to tell her everything and ask for advice and in fact he brought his mother to the flat so often to deal with things. His mother and I would talk and he would go away.

I know he is taking anti depressants and I think he has suffered from depression for years. I also noticed from the very beginning when I met him that he takes Paracetamol every single day (at least 4 tablets a day).

He hit me in a couple of ocassions and at the end he said that he would travel with me to my country which he did. The reason he gave is that if I left by myself the relationship would be over whereas if he came with me the doors were open. Stupid me I believed him. He came to Europe for 3 weeks and for the 3 weeks I kept asking what was going to happen. He always said he didn't know and never gave me answers. The last day came before he left and he told me he loved me and that we would be together again and that he could see a future for us together. He returned to his country and just after arriving he said he is very confused and he is not clear.

I have been trying to cut off the communication and disappear but I can't do it. We communicate but now he says it is better by chat rather than by voice. He says that he cannot cope hearing me distressed. Of course, I am distressed and angry as after 6 months I am still in limbo and he does not give me answers.

Anyone can help? with any advice?

I have been researching and think he might have a personality disorder or something but I don't know.

Thanks

[devonbrown]

It sounds to me that this guy is not ready/mature enough to handle anything resembling an adult relationship. Get away from this one.

I have been trying to cut off the communication and disappear but I can't do it.

What exactly do you mean by that? Just stop talking to him. Concentrate on your own life and things around you that interest you.

Good luck.

[bluedolphin]

Since a month ago he does not even contact me. He told me when he left that he loves me, that we would be together in a couple of weeks, etc....and then everytime we were talking he would hang up or say constantly that he would send me emails or sms and then he never did

[devonbrown]

It seems pretty clear that he is trying to cut ties with you. Let it be cut. If he needs time for himself, let him take it. If he is trying to end things, it is probably for the best.

Just concentrate on you. You deserve the time and effort, not him.

[Wakeup]

I had to organise a visa to stay in Australia after my first tourist visa expired. He never helped me with anything. I was trying to do a course and I had to look for the courses, apply for the visa, and do everything myself. Every time I talked to him he would get angry and aggressive.

Why oh why would you try to extend your visa to stay with an A-sexual man who abused you and gave you absolutely zero indication that he even liked you never mind loved you?

Why would you do that? What was your motivation? It certainly wasn't love. Was it to get into the country? He may have a "personality disorder" but what have you got that you'd not immediately run away from this man and never look back?

Don't "try" to cut off communication and never look back. DO IT. Get professional counceling to help you do it if you are so addicted to the abuse that you can't automatically just do that to someone who abused you in that way.

Since a month ago he does not even contact me. He told me when he left that he loves me, that we would be together in a couple of weeks, etc....and then everytime we were talking he would hang up or say constantly that he would send me emails or sms and then he never did

His actions do not say "I love you." You need to consider everything that comes/came out of his mouth to be a lie. His actions tell you he doesn't care about anyone but himself and that he was looking for a housekeeper that he could treat poorly.

[bluedolphin]

no, it was never my intention to stay in his country. I only went there for him.

Now I am back in my own country but when he left he said we would be together and that he loved me. Then 2 days later he started to change his mind and would avoid me all the time. Now it is one month since I have heard from him

[Wakeup]

I have been trying to cut off the communication and disappear but I can't do it.

Now it is one month since I have heard from him

So which is it?

Whats your issue. This man showed you in actions that he is incapable of loving anyone but himself. Why would you even believe his words that are lies and nothing more?

Stop making excuses for yourself and accept that you're better off without this man.. Stop seeking long distance relationships based on fantasy over the internet and look for a loving and kind man who is in your own city who will like to have sex with you and not disrespect you by turning you down and then rubbing one out in front of you instead. Why would/how could you have feelings for this man?

Get that counceling. It will help you actually see what i'm saying which once you comprehend the truth you will be glad he's gone.

[bluedolphin]

I was in person with him for 5 months in Australia. We first were talking online for about 4 months. Then he came to visit me for 3 weeks and after 2 months I moved in with him in Australia where we were for 5 months together.

I don't really know what happened to me. He talked about wanting to settle down and have family and that is why I went to Aus but the minute I arrived there he would say that he should have tried harder with his previous relationship and did all the things I mentioned above. I could not understand why he asked me to go there if he did not want anything, why? He has never lived with a woman apart from one girl for 3 months and myself for another 3. We were both from overseas.

I keep wondering if he has mental issues when he had to constantly call his mum, he was on anti depressants plus he would take Paracetamil (Tylenol) every single day (4 to 6 tablets)

[VincenzoG91]

Why did you go looking for "a serious relationship that could end up in marriage and children" with somebody who lives that far away? Are you deliberately trying to sabotage yourself?

[bluedolphin]

Why did you go looking for "a serious relationship that could end up in marriage and children" with somebody who lives that far away? Are you deliberately trying to sabotage yourself?

we had been talking on the net for 4 months every second day, he came to visit me for 3 weeks and then I moved to him. We liked each other (so I thought)

[Wakeup]

but the minute I arrived there he would say that he should have tried harder with his previous relationship

and yet you stayed. ????

I keep wondering if he has mental issues when he had to constantly call his mum, he was on anti depressants plus he would take Paracetamil (Tylenol) every single day (4 to 6 tablets)

Why are you "wondering" Of course he has mental/emotional issues. Forget about his problems. Work on yours now so that you can get over the abuse and so that you'll NEVER allow another man to treat you like that again and wonder why he no longer wants you, when he never really wanted you to begin with.

we had been talking on the net for 4 months every second day, he came to visit me for 3 weeks and then I moved to him. We liked each other (so I thought)

That doesn't answer Vincezos's question. He asked you why you are looking for men so far away. In other words... why aren't you looking for a man in your own area that you can get to know in person and not on false words and skype convos.?

[bluedolphin]

I didn't look for a man far away....it just happened...it wasn't my intention

It is difficult to say when someone has mental issues if you do not have the professional background to asess that. He did keep talking about one story when he was travelling in a cab in India and the taxi driver wanted to charge extra money for air conditioning and my ex said that he could have killed him. One day he said to me: "the taxi driver was hassling me and I could have killed him, and now you are hassling me".

He left my arm full of bruises on Valentine's day. We had to decide on a course I was going to do in Aus but I took it that I wouldn't do it. The deadline to give an answer to the college came and he told me that he would come back with me to my country, just to bring me back. I asked him why, what was the purpose in doing that? and as soon as I asked he became so agressive, my arm was full of bruises, I had to run to the door and then he didn't talk to me all day. At 7 Pm he came with a Valentine's card saying that I was special for him but that he does not always show it.

On other ocassions he threaten with breaking my laptop and mobile phone and he said one day to me: "I could smash your bones and body"

[bluedolphin]

His actions do not say "I love you." You need to consider everything that comes/came out of his mouth to be a lie. His actions tell you he doesn't care about anyone but himself and that he was looking for a housekeeper that he could treat poorly.[/QUOTE]

WEll, maybe he didn't care about me but why do you say that he doesnt'care about "anyone" but himself??

[Wakeup]

WEll, maybe he didn't care about me but why do you say that he doesnt'care about "anyone" but himself??

Read this thread back.. He proved to you over and over that he only thinks about his needs and his wants and the minute you didn't please him you heard about it or you felt his physical agression.

I am not being mean to you on purpose here, but you need to acknowledge your own issues here. You seem to be naive to the abuse that this man inflicted on you. I mean you know it was abuse because you relay it in a way that you acknowledge it to be unkind acts but you don't seem to love yourself enough to want to get away from more of it. You still want to be with this man and you're upset that he isn't contacting you anymore. That is something you need to overcome... the lack of love for yourself is just as troubling as this mans psyche is.

[bluedolphin]

No, I am not naive to the abuse he carried out on me. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused, I know that.

I just keep wondering if this is some thing he did to me only or he does it to everyone? It felt at times as if he was making me pay for soemthing that was wrong in his life. It felt as if he was still being affected for his previous relationship, which the girl ended as he could not commit and kept her in limbo for so long, and in return he would make me pay for that. Otherwise why would he tell me only two days after I arrived in the country that he should have tried harder with her?? I was shocked to hear this.

If someone told me now, a professional, that he has a mental problem I would rest and forget about him, but while I don't know it I keep wondering why he did all that to me. If he wasn't interested why did he ask me to go to Aus with him? he could have simply not asked me...it was easy.