Fear of Rejection

[Freezeil]

Hi guys,

I am a 22 years old virgin, and I feel like it's a big part of my life.
I've been told by my friends that I'm good looking, that I have a good personality, that I have a good job and interesting life, and that I'm not shy with the people I already know. The list goes on, yet the fact that I never had a girlfriend (or anything even remotely close to that) is a real burden.

I have a habit of falling in loves with my friends (most of whom I had work relationships with). I find a really nice girl, start talking to her, and soon after I'm deep within the friends-zone, I have numerous attempts of me trying to break this barrier, but to no success so far - either they ignored the signs, rejected me really nicely after I gently told them, or stopped talking to be altogether.

It expresses itself in all sort of ways: I can sit in the train or bus next to an attractive woman, and think to myself how I'm going to do it this time - talk to her and get a conversation starting. But then something stops in my head and I keep thinking about what will happen if she won't won't to talk, or if she doesn't find me as attractive and just walk away. I am so afraid of being rejected again (because that's all I know so far, and it really sucks), that I end up not doing anything.

More recently, I have a really nice girl that I like, who finally doesn't really work near me. When she was in my workplace a week back, I promised I'll find something you can only get from where I work at, and once I found it I told her. I told her (via Facebook) I'll be around her workplace Sunday evening (we work on Sundays), and that I can hop by her workplace and give her that something. She proceeded to ask whether or not I'll be in a popular hangout place near her work. I said yes (and made up a story about me hanging out with my friends there) and she said that she'll be me there (luckily, I found some friends willing to go there with me). The conversation (on Facebook) went quite smoothly, and I really didn't think there was anything wrong with it - I even got her phone number so that we can find each other.

Last night I went to sleep, and started thinking about it, and somehow I convinced myself that she isn't really into me - that she was just being nice to me - and that asking her out on a date on Sunday will result in a definite refusal.

It is a never ending cycle of me liking someone, then either getting into their friends-zone, being too afraid to ask them out, or both. How do I get out of it (and specifically, asking the girl out on Sunday with a high change of acceptance?)

[Toddmj]

Hey,

Sounds like you have a bit of what's called: attachment anxiety. An individual who is a bit more anxious in their relational interactions is more likely to view ambiguous social cues as more negative than they might actually be. This seems to be the case in your most recent episode with the girl who's number you received. Also, it sounds like your past experiences have contributed to your anxiety, and lack of confidence. All of this is very understandable, and for many, very relatable. Based upon what you have said, you are a good looking, friendly guy, who should be capable of attracting partners. Perhaps your anxiety leads you to use relationship initiation processes that are undesirable by potential partners. Viewing interactions through an anxious lens can really taint reality, and thus alter the use of appropriate behaviors/responses. You mentioned that you will either get in the "friend zone" or you won't make any move whatsoever. Could you tell me more about what you do when you actually try to pursue a relationship? This might help move the discussion in a productive direction. Thanks for sharing! I'm sure it's not easy to talk about.

[fuchsia_bee]

first, loose this friend only barrier...to to a woman not like a best friend but like someone who wants to know her as a lover. don't be afraid of rejection...in life, you are at first rejected, you learn from those experiences in order to not be rejected in the future so...someone rejected you...so what? next and next and next...you will find the right one and that one won't reject you. don't be afraid to talk, small talk is helpful...make a girl smile...if she smiles it's good, she may be interested. don't think so much about doing it wrong...go with the flow, think positive and everything will be ok, believe me...i've seen that on my friends hundreds of times. good luck and act natural...no fear

[Freezeil]

The last time I tried to pursue a relationship was with a girl I had recently finished having a work relationship with (maybe 2 months ago), and we were getting quite close as friends. Every now and then I gave her a ride home (as she lives near me) and we'd talk about whatever it is friends talk, listen to music, and at one opportunity eat pizza for dinner. There were what I considered as signs (such as that pizza-dinner which included a really nice talk, though that was a day after she broke up with her boyfriend, she hinting that she knew I had a crush on her, helping me make cakes, and overall being really nice), but then again there were these signs of me being just a friend.
Eventually I decided that I want more from this relationship than I was getting, and one evening I simply said something along the lines of "I find you very cute, and if you want to do something with this, I'd like this as well". She replied with lowering her head (looking down), nodded, than left the car a few seconds later (as we were parking next to her house) and cheerfully said "see you tomorrow". A day later we saw each other and decided we should just be friends (as obviously she didn't share my will), and we stopped talking altogether a short while afterwards.

The time before that was something like 2 years beforehand, where I had this crush on this really close friend of mine. We just sat down and I poured my heart out, which turned out to be a really bad mistake, as a day later we had a really nasty fight and stopped talking for something like 3 months. We are now good friends.