A small set back

[confusius]

Hi,

My ex and I broke up something like 4 months ago, we were living together, and I spent 2 months begging her to give me another chance. She got a new bf in 3.5 weeks. Since we are now on vacation I haven't contacted her in nearly 2 months.

I have a serious problem though; I can't stay away from her facebook page. I even have her password and it happen that I'll log on and see everything. I recently logged on, I know it's very bad and keeping me from moving on completely, and I saw that she is in trouble with her education. It seems that the reason for her academic failure, as she put it when talking to her new bf, was personal and related to me and what happened between us. She was the one who broke up with me. And before that we had our problems and it looks like she blames that on me. We had issues and I don't know how that really affected her education before the breakup because I was still loving and caring to her, she never shown (unless I didn't see them) any sign of distress. Everything was fine and I would ask and she would say it was fine and that she was happy. Even when we started she was already seeing an academic adviser, and I can't count the number of time I expressed my concerns about her academic performances.

Well I really want to move on and I'm struggling a lot. I also needed to vent this out. I feel bad about the fact that I may have screwed her without even doing it intentionally. It hurts me a lot. But I have been thinking that could be a good reason to just leave her alone for good. So I won't have to keep screwing up her life. She deserves better. But I also want to call or write to her. My sister said I'm not to blame, but I can't help to think that I screwed up the life of the first girl I ever truly loved. I went from been her "angel", the one who saved her from a promiscuous pass (she said it herself several times), to the devil who f*cked up her education.

[Wakeup]

She's too stupid to realize that she is to blame for her own actions. She's too narcissitic to accept blame upon herself. She's not very mature and neither are you for snooping. STOP that now and delete her stuff.

She uses you as an excuse because she's not emotionally mature enough to take responsibility for her own failure.

Block and delete her and quit trying to save her. That's not your responsibility.. never was. Let her face her own consequences so that she grows and learns that evenutally we all sit a the banquet of our own deeds.
I'm sure if her new bf is mature, he'll recognise her attempt to be a victim rather than accept she is the author of her own misfortune.

Quit snooping. You can be arrested for that kind of thing and it does nothing to help you recover your heart.

[confusius]

She's not very mature and neither are you for snooping. STOP that now and delete her stuff.
Quit snooping. You can be arrested for that kind of thing and it does nothing to help you recover your heart.

Thanks Wakeup! I heard you. I'll do all my best to quit snooping. I know it's not good, but sometimes I was just really tempted. I know stalking her like that does not help at all and I need to stop. I recognize that I have been immature by acting the way I did. I seriously need to man up. I can't take this anymore. I just have to let it go no matter how much I loved her. It just look like nothing I have done and will do will help. I truly loved her though, I truly did.

Thanks a lot.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I know it hurts and it's hard to let go but it is the best thing that you can do for YOU. Frankly we don't care about her it's you that is here for the advice and so we look after your best interests when the situation calls for it. If you were wrong and looking for allies then I'd not enable that.

Don't blame yourself anymore for her failures. She is just clinging to being a victim and she uses you for that purpose. You are not resonsible for her actions. If she's spending so much time blaming you in emails then she's STILL not putting her schooling as her priority and she will likely fail again. Who will she blame then?

Time to let go, confusius. You will love another but you have to get this one out of your heart first before that will be possible.

[smackie9]

OK so you log on to read convos to her new BF am I getting this right? What makes you think she would be telling him the truth? Like a lot of people in her situation, they will feed a bit of BS to the new person as to not make themselves look bad and maybe get some sympathy too while they are at it. So never believe everything that you read. Truly the only person she can blame is herself.

First step, in order for you to quit this snooping habit of yours, send a message to tell her that she better change her PWs to everything.

[Wakeup]

He doesn't have to contact her and start shit all over again with her. He can just delete and block her while using his will power to not log in to her stuff thereby keeping the No Contact going. IMO: He doesn't need to email her and possibly causing drama which will give yet another excuse to not take responsibility for her own actions.

[tremolo]

Confusius -

There are two men in my past I could easily blame for ****ing up my academic progress. One of them broke up with me on three different occasions right before a major deadline - which I then missed. But you know what? They weren't entirely to blame for all that. While they may have caused extra problems for me, there were already problems to begin with. And even if there hadn't been - I should have been more proactive about finding a way to cope with my sadness rather than sleeping and drinking all day.

Don't blame yourself for anything of this. How she copes with your breakup is her problem - and only hers. More importantly, quit checking her damn messages. Do what Wakeup said and block her - or if you must, ask her to change her password before you do block her.

[Lifetime]

I would say you should definitely block her facebook. I never went looking for my ex's facebook but when I did somehow stumble across it and see her picture, it would always rip me apart. I know it's hard, but it would probably help a lot if you stopped looking at it or at least stopped logging in and reading her convos.

[smackie9]

He doesn't have to contact her and start shit all over again with her. He can just delete and block her while using his will power to not log in to her stuff thereby keeping the No Contact going. IMO: He doesn't need to email her and possibly causing drama which will give yet another excuse to not take responsibility for her own actions.

The only reason I suggested that is to stop the TEMPTATION. Some people just can't help themselves and keep opening the wounds which he keeps doing.....I am well aware of the consequences of sending a message. He can send her a message and THEN block all communication with her to prevent any drama.

[Wakeup]

Confusius is hurting for more than one reason. He mistakenly thinks that her poor school habits are his fault. If he contacts her again then he will be opening old emotional wounds for him as well as for her and causing drama not just for himself but for her as well which will distract her again because she's too weak and immature to just get on with things. That's why I don't think he should let her know that he's been spying on her. I suspect she'll figure it out if he tells her out of the blue to change her passwords.

Just my thoughts on it. Of course, Confusius can make his own decisions on whether or not he'll suggest she change up her passwords.

[smackie9]

I think she would be pretty stupid to think he wasn't. I suspect she is aware and doesn't care.

[confusius]

First of all, thanks a lot guys for your kind words.

As I said before, she was already seeing an academic adviser when we started dating. I sat down with her at several occasions to talk to her about her difficulties. Not that I'm a very smart kid, but I have a full tuition scholarship and I felt that it was just normal for me to talk to her about it. Apparently it got to the point that she might not be coming back to the school because she has lost a lot of her financial aid. But she may be saying that she might not coming back next year just to get some attention from her new bf.

I did follow Wakeup advises and I blocked her facebook page. I had already deleted all her phone numbers in my cell. I want to stop looking at her page. Just to respond to smackie9, I didn't log on just to read her convos with her new bf. Seriously I don't know. I just logged on and whatever I see I just read. It happened to me to only read my past convos with her. That's all. Nothing that I was expecting from doing it. I just did it for some reason.

I think she would be pretty stupid to think he wasn't. I suspect she is aware and doesn't care.

I would agree with that. Right at the beginning of the breakup I asked her to change her password and she said she would see. She said the only things I should be interested to see are the things on her wall. Well she never changed. So I don't see any point asking her again. I don't know how well she did the last quarter, my school goes by quarters, but she failed a bunch of classes before and after the breakup. And after the breakup she pretty much partied every single weekend, getting drunk, smoking weed and also tried ecstasy at this point. All of that with her new boy and her new band.

Anyway, I truly appreciate you guys taking your time to share your thoughts and I respect all of them.

[smackie9]

See there's a ton of info right there that should have been posted. It's difficult to determine what's going on from a desktop lol. It's plain and simple to me, she's ditched her life to suit this new guy. She's the one that a damn fool. Oh well, life goes on.

[confusius]

See there's a ton of info right there that should have been posted. It's difficult to determine what's going on from a desktop lol. It's plain and simple to me, she's ditched her life to suit this new guy. She's the one that a damn fool. Oh well, life goes on.

Thanks smakie9. Yes I omitted some of the info because I didn't want to repeat myself. In fact those info were already posted on another thread of mine. True it's difficult to determine what's going on from a desktop lol. Funny she ditched her life to suit the new guy's; she said she was trying to find herself and that she has always been between relationships for many years and never had time for herself. But yet she jumped into a new relationship after 3.5 weeks. I guess that could be what they all say. Oh well life goes on smakie9, and just like Wakeup said this thread is about me and my own good anyway not hers.

Thank you. Love ya all LOL

[Wakeup]

I think she would be pretty stupid to think he wasn't. I suspect she is aware and doesn't care.

She is pretty stupid.. that's obvious.

Way to go confusius. You're going to be just fine and you're going to make a fine boyfriend for a nice, smart and sexy girl one day