need some serious advice

[ladyt]

Hi everyone. I have a situation that I'm currently dealing with. I have a boyfriend of 2 years and in the last year he has talked about marriage. I've told him I wasn't ready. He is extremely ambitious and I feel he brings out my industriousness. I feel I need him in my life right now. Our sex life is not so exciting-well I was never really with him for the attraction. I find him to be handsome but I'm not particularly attracted to him most of the time. I don't want to break up with him but I don't think I am ready for marriage. And, I'm 50/50 about marrying him. I'm really confused about this but I don't want to lose him.

I met someone else and we have this deep attraction toward one another. He is smart and ambitious as well. He lives far away but we will see each other soon since he is visiting a friend where I live. I have not done more with him than hold and kiss him. For that I didn't feel too bad, but I feel myself wanting him completely. So much that my days are consumed by this, and I'm having trouble focusing at work-which isn't good at all. I'm in the creative field. I wasn't looking for anything to happen but this relationship has just sort of evolved. We talk everyday on IM or on the phone.

His situation-he recently broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years-whom he thought he would marry but all of the sudden felt trapped and they broke up. She is still in love with him apparently. He just wants friendship. I remember he mentioned he was a member on MySpace.com so I wanted to look up pictures of him. I looked at his profile and friends on there. I put it together later that his ex-girlfriend is on there as well. I felt irrationally jealous after realizing it was her. She is very beautiful from her pics and intelligent from what I've read in her blog, and I wondered why he wouldn't want to be with her. He called me last night to ask me for advice about her. I felt so out of place and I didn't tell him I knew who she was from her profile or blogs. My relationship with him was completely positive, until, I feel in the last few days, my emotions became out of control.

Basically I am consumed by this and I'm so torn that it has to be this way. I don't know what I want, and I'm so afraid by my uncontrollable emotions that I will make poor choices out of passion. I feel I'm handicapped right now. I want this guy too much too soon. But really, I don't know what I want from him. This whole situation has put a damper on my life, but I feel I can't go back. How do I proceed from here? I haven't felt this strongly about anyone since I first fell in love-it turned out to be a disaster.

Anybody have any suggestions?

[Tarabell952]

Sometimes in a long-term relationship you meet someone else and are completely infatuated with that person. You are attracted to the newness of being with someone else. However, you still love your partner. In these situations, you should probably never go for the "new" person. You don't love that person and the excitement of a new relationship would eventually wear off.

However, I'm not sure this is your situation. You don't sound like you have a lot of feelings for him. You say there is usually no attraction. You don't like your sex life. This sounds to me like a relationship with little passion. Do you even love him? It sounds to me like you love the other guy more. If you really don't love the person you're with, you should end the relationship as soon as possible. Not because you've found someone else who you like more, but because it's not fair for either of you to be in a relationship when you don't really love him.

If I'm correct in assuming that there is little love or passion on your part, then I think you should end the relationship. Maybe you will end up with this other guy. Maybe not. Either way, at least you'd have a chance for developing a relationship with someone who you are attracted to and for whom you have feelings.

If you do truly love the man you are with, then I would say stay with him. Don't make an irrational decision based on infatuation - infatuation eventually dies. Also, you might want to stop talking to this other guy. I know it's hard, but unless you can learn to subdue your feelings for him, continuing a relationship with him can only lead to temptation and pain.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Well, it really doesn't sound like you "love" you partner still. It just sounds as an excuse to continue caring for your partner. But I understand what you mean. How is it possible to love 2 people at the same time. Baby gurl, your just confused. Yes, your right, you don't know what you want. If I am right, your "new" friend doesn't know that your suppose to be in a strong relationship, or your boyfriend does not know anything about your "new" friend yet. You know why marriages don't last long? It's for situations like these. If you want to be happy, you have to make your decision perpetual with the one you do love. Don't leave your boyfriend clueless and wondering about you. He has hope and expectations for the good life of a true couple. Air Supply said it better; "I'm all out of love, what am I without you", don't leave your boyfriend wondering alone. If you really love your new friend, which is obvious, your gonna have to break someone's heart and you know who's it is. Bottom line, your happiness is important. I'm just letting you know now that it is important to do the right thing. Everybody meets someone new, and someone ends up hurting. Hope you write back.

[ladyt]

I do "love" my partner. But maybe I'm not in love. I go through just about equal periods where I think he's the best and we are meant to be, and the flip side is just the opposite, where we are too different and can't come together on issues. But honestly, I think my life would fall apart without him. I think I would lose sight of my goals, because we share some of the same goals and are sort of partners in that effort. He pushes me along. And I feel emotionally safe with him. I'm not jealous, and it's funny because we both check out and judge other women. He says hanging out with me is like hanging out with one of his male friends.
With this new guy, I am emotionally falling apart. It's like I can't handle it. I'm already jealous, I'm totally self conscious, I hate these feelings. Plus, I think he still has issues with his ex that he's dealing with.
I think when I fall for someone, I dive head first, put all my eggs in their basket, and end up getting hurt. That is one reason I am so comfortable in my relationship now, is that it's a safe love for me. I'm always the one that suffers the most in a relationship, when I am in love. Like I said, it consumes my whole being........

[blue]

Dear consumed by love,

The thing is is that you are going to do what you need to do with this other man, weather you tell the truth or hide it. But it will always come down to what you are looking for. Why are you looking at someone else what is missing and is it really right in all this confusion that you feel inside to consume somebody elses life with it? have to Just do it short and sweet and move on. Dont be afraid of being wrong. Whichevr ever way this goes.

[Tarabell952]

Well do you just love him because it feels safe and you feel secure? Or do you really, truly love him for him? I know what you are saying about sometimes you think it was meant to be and other times you don't. I think that is a normal part of being in a long-term relationship, as long as most of the time you know that you are meant to be together.

I think you need to decide if you are "in love" and if you want to stay with your bf. In some ways, I feel like maybe you aren't or you wouldn't be having all these questions. I think when you truly love someone there is no doubt in your mind. However, maybe you are just going through a rough time right now. I think it is normal in long-term relationships to have a period where you aren't sure what you want. This is what you need to figure out: Is the relationship coming to its natural end or are you just having a temporary rough time?

[Nice Lover Boy]

There's a difference in "In Love" and "maybe I'm not in Love". When people "love" someone, they'd do anything and ignore anything that would distract them from loving the person they are suppose to love. When you say, "but I'm not in Love", usually it means that you just "care" for him. Right now, youre probably obssesed with your new friend, it's normal, it happens to me because according to human nature, we all want to see new faces and new characters in our lives. So we discovered your scene and your feelings, now what is it that you want to do about your situation? Do you want to loose something that made you happy at first, or do you want something new in your life?