Confused by ex-boyfriends continued attention!!!

[BeStrong]

Hey Jenna - how you doing today?

[JennaBella]

Hi there! I'm much better, thanks for asking! I've decided to tell my ex I want to cut contact with him now but want to say it in such a way as to be clear that I still care about him but am unwilling to accept the pitiful scraps of himself he throws my way. I'm am all or nothing kinda girl and I'm simply not willing to accept the frankly insulting demotion to casual acquaintance after having been the centre of eachothers lives so recently.
So I'm just trying to articulate what I want to say and obviously I'm a bit nervous because I know that potentially this is it, I will be cutting off all context with him and then he will be lost to me forever. I need to learn to live without the will he/ won't me contact me today thoughts. It's been going on for 3 months since we split, it'll be a habit to break. Any advice would be gratefully received.

[BeStrong]

Glad you're feeling better! I think just keep it simple and say what you've said above - that you care about him but that the relationship is clearly over (make it clear that you fully accept that) and that you are now moving on with your life.

Retain your cool and dignity by wishing him all the best but ask him not to contact you anymore and tell him that he should respect what you want. As you say, he has insulted and disrespected you (don't say that though as that will only provoke him into trying to argue with you). Remember - no matter what he comes back with, retain your dignity and keep the moral highground. Above all, make it absolutely clear that you don't want to hear from him again. If you even suggest that you're still pining over him he'll love that and will continue to play you along for as long as he can. You're no fall back girl, no 1st reserve!!

Then it's up to you because it sounds like he will undoubtedly contact you again but you MUST stay strong and not reply. It will be very difficult but if you do weaken and reply it will only set you back and turn it into even more of a long, slow, drawn out and painful process than it has been already.

Then................read that book as soon as it arrives and keep reading it!

[JennaBella]

Right BeStrong, what do you think of this??
Not sent it yet, looking for an opinion first?!
Book arrived, hurrah!

"Dont quite know how to say this without being insulting.... but I would prefer if you didn't contact me again from now on. No hard feelings, simply not interested in maintaining any sort of relationship with you anymore. Waste of both of our time and totally pointless. Have never understood ur motivation to remain in touch but the re-introduction of x's and calling me "hon" only serve to prove you still think you can manipulate me and keep your foot in the door. Pure cheek! No chance, I have way more self-respect than that!! You had your chance to do right by me and you blew it on a grand scale! There's no going back.*Please respect my wishes."

[BeStrong]

Hi Jenna,

Looks more or less perfect to me! Dignified, to the point and firm. I assume that you'll send it by email rather than text?

You could possibly have the last bit as 'Please respect my wishes as I will not respond to any further contact'.

When was the last contact from him? Up to you obviously but I would only send this as a respsonse to when he next contacts you, rather than just sending it 'out of the blue'. Otherwise, in a way, it's you who's initiating contact by contacting him if you see what I mean!

And then of course, if he is a manipulative person, which he sounds like he is, be prepared for the fact that he probably will respond. Try your very hardest not to take the bait no matter what he says!

Glad you got the book already - I really think you'll enjoy it and get a lot from it. Some of the 'Americanisms' are a bit annoying but just gloss over those. It's the kind of book you can read through and then dip into in the future at times when you might feel your resolve weakening or whatever. They make a big thing of the 60 day no contact rule and make the point that once you've gone 60 days you probably won't be bothered about hearing from him anyway.

Let me know how you get on with the message and the book - you're doing the right thing, believe me Superfox! Read the book and you'll see why I say that!

[JennaBella]

Lol yeah I've started it already and have seen mention of superfox!
Thanks for proof Reading my f$#k off message wording Really appreciate a guys perspective! I'm assuming you have first hand experience of all this break up crap seeing as you've read the book yourself. Whoever the one who hurt you was it's their loss. Onwards and upwards! And I take the point regarding sending the message not in response to contact from him.... Only problem with that is his current M.O. for contacting me is on the works email system and when I'm at work (not 100% rule but for the most-part) and I don't really want to be sending that message while I'm at work in case I feel upset about it after. I know it's the right thing to do but it's quite stressful for me all the same. Rather do it when I'm in my comfort zone if that makes sense!? Oh well... He it goes! Deep breath........

[JennaBella]

Oh and last time he was in touch (phonecall, emails and texts - all personal chat initiated by him) was Monday but I emailed him yesterday (work chat, nothing personal at all and he didn't try to make conversation anyway) once. I was in training today so no contact that I know of, I'll know once I log onto my PC at work next week ( I'm now off). Before that it was Friday. So it's still regular enough.... Just does my head in!
Oh still need to send that message lol!!

[BeStrong]

Thank you! It was complicated. Aren't they all!

Maybe just send the message if/when he next contacts you with something non work related then?

Believe me I know it's stressful - easy for me to say do this and do that on an internet forum. The good thing is that you know deep down that it's the right thing to do. Life is short and the longer this drags on the longer it'll take you to recover before you're ready to meet someone who truly makes you happy. Relationships that go tits up in the first few months just aren't meant to be. Fact!

Anyway, I admire you for having the strength to do this. Like I say - I sure as hell know it 'aint easy but it will greatly benefit you in the long run, that much I do know for sure.

[JennaBella]

Message sent, response was point made and will respect my wishes. Feeling weird, bit sad as that's it over forever now but I know it was the right move. Thanks for your help, it's been great to get a second unbiased opinion! Hope you sort your situation out too. Lifes way to short for pining for unworthy ex's. It's called a break up because it's broken, never a truer word was spoken!!!

[BeStrong]

Go girl!! You're bound to be sad and no doubt there was a small part of you hoping that the response would be him being horrified and declaring undying love, but even if it was, you know that it wouldn't work long term so what's the point.

Now to the healing, which takes time, but you'll get there. Good work and let me know what you think of the book Hot Stuff!!

[JennaBella]

I honestly didn't think he would put up a fight or an argument. That's not his style. I think our relationship is too much like ancient history now so it's likely he will take it on the chin and put it behind him even if his ego is feeling a bit bruised for a short time. Previously he wouldve hedged his bets and turned up at my office or phoned out of the blue but I really don't think that'll happen now. He has his new relationship and a holiday to look forward to, I'm sure that can occupy his thoughts now that I'm not an option for him anymore.
I'm planning a friends packed weekend anyway so good thing I don't have a man to juggle too My little son is by far the most important man in my life! ))

[Wakeup]

Introduce yourself here! ...

[JennaBella]

Hi Wakeup Im JennaBella I believe we've "chatted"
on another thread!!

[Wakeup]

Hi Jenna: Yes, we have met I was just being an ass while wondering why this thread was in the "Introduce Yourself" sub forum.

[JennaBella]

Lol yes prob chose wrong Forum topic! Oops! Oh well