Confused by ex-boyfriends continued attention!!!

[JennaBella]

Have known my ex for about 18 months now, we used to work together until last October. We were initially friends but were very attracted to eachother and finally got together last November. The Relationship moved fast and we fell for eachother in a big way. *I think we were both a bit overwhelmed by just how well we "fit" on every level. He in particular wanted us to live together, book holidays etc very early on. All great apart from the fact that we both have 2 children each from previous relationships (we are both married but separated). For financial reasons I was unable to commit to him fully at the time, still too many joint financial commitments with my kids' father so I needed to slow things down till I was in a stronger place financially, which wouldve been by April when I was due to get a big pay increase at work. I Didn't want to rely financially on my boyfriend as he had offered in case it didn't work out and I ended up in a worse position. My kids come first! He took this as a big rejection and after a month of him sinking into an almost depression, crying down the phone and to-ing and fro-ing from me in what I now realise was a "friends with benefits" set up.... He confided in a friend who suggested he try online dating and forget about me. Something he was very opposed to before! So within a month, and while still seeing me, though according to him we were not an item anymore, he went on a date with another woman. Long story short, he is still seeing her now 3 months down the line. All the while he has maintained contact with me, by text, email, phonecalls (though he sometimes masks these as work related, yeah right!!!) and has even appeared unannounced at my workplace on 4 occassions, once when he knew I would be there alone in the evening. Last month he even suggested we go out for dinner "as friends". I declined, I don't want to be just his friend and though I would have loved to have gone out with him, I wouldve woken up the next day feeling ten times worse.*
The contact he makes is almost daily on week days and not at all at the weekend. He has on occassion called me honey and puts x's at the end of his texts/ emails. Usually after he does that or if he has confided in me (as he often has), he distances himself for a few days. It's like he realises he is getting a bit close and withdraws a little. Then he is back in touch in a light hearted small talk kind of way and the cycle continues.
*I went out on a date with a new guy recently and mentioned it to a colleague who took great delight in reporting this update to my ex. Within seconds of being told this information my ex emailed me asking about it. I said yes I went on a date, big deal. He then apologised for prying! But since then he has brought the other guy up again in conversation of course. I see no harm in him believing I'm not hanging on waiting for him anymore. I made all the classic mistakes when we first broke up..... Text message terrorism, acting needy and weak and pathetic. I am so embarassed about it now and thankfully it was a while ago so I have tried to redeem myself by being exactly the opposite. I have joined the gym, signed up for a long distance running event with friends, and I socialise a lot with my girlfriends and see my family. I am the only female in my work team and the guys really look after me which is lovely. They have said that they think I've had a lucky escape!*One of the guys commented last week that my ex behaves like a man in love. Nice to hear but when the reality is that he is still with the other woman.... and is taking her (in place of me) to his friends wedding abroad at the end of July.....Well I have to wonder what he is feeling at all. Logically I am reasonably certain he is just not completely over us. He seems to need to maintain a line of communication with me and I have stupidly allowed this until now. I guess like anyone else I have been scared that he will forget about me if we don't keep in touch. Three months down the line from our break up and he clearly still hasn't forgotten me, but I know for a fact he sees the new woman every weekend. She lives over an hours drive away. I have gotten the stage of realising that I am gaining nothing but confusion from the current situation. I know it's a 50/50 chance that being in no contact will work for me in getting him back but if it doesn't it will help me finally get over him. I am wasting my life living in hope that he will suddenly appear and declare his undying love lol! I know there is no point in trying to speak to him about it, he would just say he views me as a friend even though just three months ago he was telling me he loved me and couldn't keep his hands off me! He is very stubborn. No contact started on Friday. My gut instinct is that it will bother him at first because he is used to the routine of being in contact but after a few days I think he will put me out of his mind and just assume that I will be in touch eventually. I need to prove him wrong! I really need to do this for my own sanity!!! I have gotten past the stage of crying myself until my eyes are red raw and I am much calmer and feeling stronger. I just feel so lost without him, I really thought I had found my soulmate. But I guess my true soulmate wouldn't be able to be without me!*
Am I deluding myself? Any advice would be greatfully received on how I should proceed, particularly from men in their 30's/ 40's who may be able to give a view from the male perspective!! Or from women who have found themselves in a similar position.
For information, I am 34, he is 39.*

[ladyl]

Hi JennaBella I'm in a similar situation I broke up with my ex a couple of weeks ago, he was willing to talk things through but I kept texting pushing him until he said he just wanted to be friends. I realise now that all I did was push him away. So I'm on day 5 of no contact now. It's tough but it's definitely the best thing you can do, give yourself a chance to heal and get back in control of your emotions. I'm still hoping we get back together eventually but I figure if I just concentrate on myself for the next few weeks and do the no contact thing and see what happens. At least that way if you don't end up getting back together you'll be in a better place to be able to deal with it and won't be such a big deal.

You're certainly not deluding it but all you're doing by remaining contact with him is letting him have his cake and eat it. You're making it too easy for him by still being around. I work with my ex but thankfully I can work in a different office so I can avoid him. I got the distinct impression from him that he wasn't that bothere because during the 2 weeks after we split up we were still texting and seeing each other at work. If you're still doing that then you don't really know what it's really like not to have that person in your life so no contact is good to get you used to that even if you don't end up getting back together at some point. Good Luck.

[JennaBella]

Hi ladyl
thanks for your reply
It's nice to speak to someone who understands!! We work in different offices now thankfully so there is no legitimate reason for him to
call into my workplace anymore. You are so right though, he hasn't had a proper chance to miss me completely, i've still been there or thereabouts since day one of the break up. I'm too soft! Need to toughen up a bit and show him I'm not his fall back girl. I actually feel sorry for the new girlfriend, I'd hate for my boyfriend to still be in touch with a recent ex to the degree he is with me!!
Well done you, day 5! It's probably felt longer than that but keep with it, I hope I am as in control as you!!!!
JennaBella x

[JennaBella]

Oh well I did rubbish today!!!! The ex emailed me and I initially resisted replying to it but after a while I sent a very bland impersonal reply which he then responded to and I then stupidly replied again, again very impersonally and I knew that he'd get the hint so that ended it. Totally kicking myself now!!!! How weak am I!? So angry with myself
Right, tomorrow I will do better, though with my extreme frostiness I doubt he'll bother again anyway.
The thought that he is taking his new girlfriend away to his friends wedding abroad just hurts like hell. That's confirmation for me that he has moved on..... I just don't understand what the idea of keeping in touch with me is....

[confused&single]

Don't be to hard on yourself. It seems to me that he still has feelings for you (regardless if he is taking someone else to a wedding) but you are right to go no contact. Take it from someone that is now 3 months out from breaking up with their ex. We were together for 3 and a half years and for the past year he couldn't figure out what he wanted out of the relationship. Welp it finally came to a head by me asking him what was bothering him, he said "I guess I just haven't been that into this relationship for a while"...well that was that pretty much. I told him he needed to be single for a while. Because I suggested it, I thought he'd figure out his crap in few weeks. But I was way to weak. I kept in contact with him far more frequently than I should have. Constantly checking in on him, or asking him if he wanted to talk or even sending him silly little texts. He then began dating some woman whom he also met online. Apparently it only lasted a week because he said if he could take it back he would have because it didn't feel right. That same conversation (2 months being broken up) he said he still loved me, missed me and thought about me more than he'd like to admit. But he didn't want to get back together yet....but it wasn't out of the question. So of course...being someone whom is love with that person...took that tiny bit of hope and ran with it. I called more than I had (I got into the habit of not contacting for a week or so at a time). Now we'd make plans to talk once a week. As I'm sure you can imagine that really stalled my recovery. I was hoping and praying that he was coming around...if I just hung on a little longer...that maybe he'd come around. Well last night (Sunday) we talked again and I couldn't help but ask him if he had made any progress. He said no that nothing had changed, but he couldn't think of any logical reason as to why we couldn't be friends on some level. See...he wants me in his life, he just hasn't figured out in what capacity. I said...how can we be when we BOTH still have strong feelings for each other, when we BOTH are attracted to the other person and we BOTH still see a future for us. He said that he agreed with everything that I said but he was hopeful we could establish something because he wanted me in his life. Well...as much as I love him and am terrified of not having him...I want more than friendship and the only way he is going to realize his true feelings is by me completely backing off. I have to go full no contact. Sorry so long winded...just wanted to demonstrate how important going no contact is for both parties. So no...I don't think he's moved on...and yes I too would feel sorry for the new chick since he clearly has feelings for you (I feel the same way about the girl he's been hanging around with bc they still hang out...and we BOTH know that she's just holding on for something to work out). So be strong...hang in there....and go no contact. It's really the only thing to do. But don't be to hard on yourself when you mess up...we all do...I'm a prime example! Sorry so long winded again...I just completely relate with someone who was dating someone that was so wishy washy...you just gotta protect yourself at this point and do what is going to be the best for you...and not him. He is a grown man, if he wants you in his life...he needs to work for it. I actually heard that from my ex. He said that if he wanted something to work out...regardless of how humbling an experience it would be .... he would make it happen. So there is no need asking, no need hoping...no need wishing for something to work. You are only responsible for your feelings and actions..no one else's. He still cares about you..he's just being dumb. So you need to help him realize just how dumb he is being by moving on and not communicating with him.

[JennaBella]

Hi C&S
thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it! I thought my story was just floating around in cyberspace unnoticed lol! I know NC is the way ahead, the only way really! It's just hard breaking a habit when he has been an almost daily part of my life for so long! But I am gaining nothing from this anymore and hate that he feels he could just demote me the way he has. I am glad you have agreed that the let's just be friends thing is just bullshit and not good enough on any level! Why are men so complicated!?!? Drive me mad!!!! Make your guy miss you, it's all sounding promising from what you have said. My guy, well...... Who knows what the hell he thinks. Taking this girl to that wedding is a big deal, it's 4-5 days abroad in a luxury hotel. I am so gutted I'm not going now, it'd have been amazing and we used to talk about getting away for hours on end....
Oh well, nothing I can do other than cut communication and get over it!!

[JennaBella]

Sigh of relief. I obviously suceeded in being suitably frosty yesterday and he has kept back. Which is good because it gives me space to breath and not have my hopes built up like they are with every bleep of a new text message, every ping of a new email or when he calls or suddenly appears..... I feel good today and have been really busy with my job which I love and it's more or less occupied my mind most of the day
obviously my mind still wanders, particularly when a song that reminds me of him comes on the radio! And there are so many of them lol! He was a terrible one for telling me this and that song reminded him of me.... Which was fab when we were together and quite touching but bloody hell it's been a total pain in the ass since we broke up!!! I had to drive without the radio on for the first couple of months after the split. I'm getting better now but there are certain songs that just stab me in the heart because they were so personal to us. Puke I know and I am so not a romantic soppy person usually.
But hey, NC it is and shall remain. I doubt that it'll help bring him back to me anytime soon, if at all, and anyway my priority is getting me back to the strong, bubbly, feisty chick my friends say they love me for! Roll on day 3, I'm ready for you!!

[confused&single]

Hi C&S
thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it! I thought my story was just floating around in cyberspace unnoticed lol! I know NC is the way ahead, the only way really! It's just hard breaking a habit when he has been an almost daily part of my life for so long! But I am gaining nothing from this anymore and hate that he feels he could just demote me the way he has. I am glad you have agreed that the let's just be friends thing is just bullshit and not good enough on any level! Why are men so complicated!?!? Drive me mad!!!! Make your guy miss you, it's all sounding promising from what you have said. My guy, well...... Who knows what the hell he thinks. Taking this girl to that wedding is a big deal, it's 4-5 days abroad in a luxury hotel. I am so gutted I'm not going now, it'd have been amazing and we used to talk about getting away for hours on end....
Oh well, nothing I can do other than cut communication and get over it!!

Oh I completely agree! I spoke to my ex mulitpule times a day and pretty much every day. We'd talk for hours about nothing really, so to go from that to absolutely nothing has be extremely difficult. I think for some people you can really only do that after you've gotten to a certain point in realizing that it's only hurting you to keep communicating with him. You have to say "Ok, I'm letting you go...and if you come back...we'll talk". Then you just gotta move on, as difficult as it is.

I feel the same way about my ex...being demoted that is. I went from being one of the most important people in his life to someone that he'll just occassionally check in with. Funny thing though is that he still takes my opinions in high regards and still tries to "take care of me" regarding certain issues. He doesn't really act that way with his other friends..just me...so I know I still hold his heart. It is complete bullshit the whole "lets be friends" thing. I told my ex that he can't have it both ways...he can't be my friend when clearly I want more than friendship and then he's allowed to date other women. It just doesn't work that way. He doesn't seem to get it...like at all. It's so frustrating and he's making it SO much more complicated than it needs to be. I'm not sure if you've seen the movie "Hall Pass" but basically I feel like its kind of like that. Where he just wants to put a pause on our relationship while he goes out and "makes sure" he isn't missing anything. So obnoxious. Anyway, I'm finally strong enough to break this cycle and have officially started no contact again and I even delete my facebook account so he couldn't check up on my life without actually contacting me. I'll make him miss me .

And one final thought, why don't you plan a trip with your friends or a relative like a sister or something. I did that last summer with a friend of mine. We planned it two months in advanced and just did it. It was right after another rough patch in my life so it was much needed. Who says you need him to be your travel partner. Just make it happen! I just went to orbitz.com and picked a region and went from there. Super easy and it was pretty inexpensive really at the time.

Well hang in there!!! If he doesn't learn what he's lost, you'll find someone that doesn't need to learn in the first place. As my mom would say "the best is yet to come".

[JennaBella]

You should check out the advice on this website: [url=http://www.howtogetboyfriendback.com/]How To Get Your Boyfriend Back - Best Ways To Win Your Ex Boyfriend[/url]
It doesn't have a forum but has an interesting quiz and insights into the way males work during break ups. I read this and also the Free Plan on this website, both give really good advice I think. The biggest shift in my thinking has been looking at the advice from the angle that getting myself back to my old self is more important than getting my ex back. If I am being brutally honest with myself I really don't think he and I will ever reunite. I think too much has happened and knowing that he has been in an intimate relationship, not just having a casual fling, with the new girl makes me feel so sad. I don't think I could be with him again knowing that there was a significant someone else between us being together and reuniting. Does that make sense at all? He has tainted himself in my eyes I guess!
I have a couple of trips with the girls planned during the next month. Thing is I have two young kids of my own and work full time so not so easy to just "get away" usually!! I don't mind, I keep really busy anyway and there aren't enough hours in the week at times!!

[xjacobc]

break up for now...if you guys love each other theres always a future where the two of you being together is possible...Make sure your communication lines are clear though. Then be completely honest with each other, about what you two love about the relationship...and about each other...and what you guys think you guys need to work on in order for it to become the perfect relationship...you may want to discuss this first....then have a plan where you guys completely don't talk to each other for like...a couple of months...if you guys still feel the same...then on with the plan. and work it out.

[JennaBella]

Hi X
I really wouldn't want to have that conversation with him now. He knows how I felt about the break up, I made it more than clear, and it didn't change his mind. He is very stubborn and I've made up a lot of ground by distancing myself and getting on with my life without him in it. If we don't get back together I guess that's because it just wasn't meant to be. Obviously I'd like nothing more than another chance because he and I are very compatible but maybe we had our chance and too much has happened.

Anyways.... I woke up this morning to a text from him. I actually panicked a bit when I saw it thinking something bad had happened as I couldn't think why he'd contact me so early. Turns out he was congratulating me on a job I did at work yesterday, apparently it's been the talk of the company this morning. He starts at 7 so gets the morning update. I text back thank you. Then he texted again asking if I'm in work today. Just replied of course, as ever.

Now of course I'm like AAAARGH!! Why did he do it again!? Why won't he leave me alone? Obviously I'm an idiot for replying but i at least know why I do it, because I love him soooo much! How pathetic

[confused&single]

I checked out that site that you suggested and it is really helpful. I'm liking the whole no contact now and even more so the no facebook thing.Its really kind of freeing to not no what he is up to and vice versa. But yeah, that site is pretty dead on and offers pretty good advice. Although in all honesty I know I would have blantantly ignored most of the sound advice that was offered because I wasn't ready to accept that it was over. Now I am..which is great!

PS. You're not pathetic...you're just a woman in love. The heart makes you do things that you know you shouldn't. With time it will get easier, at least that's what I'm trying to believe.

[Wakeup]

I'm wondering why you're getting in so heavy with men when you're not even divorced yet, you've not even split the marital assets and why you're trying to be in one relationship when the other one isn't even finalized yet?

I think your ex bf (not husband) was rushing things along to quickly and I think you need to decide if you want to be married still or divorced. Once you're in or out of your marriage you'll be able to have conversations about committment with any new man you may fall for.

As for the ex bf. Ignore him and keep up with the no contact. This guy is way too anxious to secure someone, anyone by the looks of it and I'm always wary about men/women who push that way.. They often have some underlying agenda whether it be dubious or simply incapable of being alone so anyone will do or controlling and abusive.

You certainly were being smart when you tried to slow things down, IMO. Learning how to be happy in one's own skin is a beautiful thing.

[JennaBella]

Thanks Wake Up, your name us very appropriate! Lol.
I am awaiting my divorce, these things take time! But I agree with what you have said, my ex bf defo has issues surrounding being lonely, he literally can't handle it at all. I had no choice at the time than to slow the relationship down, it was too fast and got to be overwhelming at the time. I wanted to be with him, have fun, go in dates or even in holiday but not the whole living under one roof thing! Not at that stage anyway! Once bitten twice shy! I was with my husband for 12 years and got committed far too young. I still have certain commitments with my husband which I am tied to for the next couple of years. I don't see why that should stop me dating however! It's purely financial and nothing else. It's really frustrating.
My ex bf sent me a text message this afternoon ending with several x's. I am getting suspicious now and have a feeling that he is building up to something. Mixed feelings on that one now..... I am not in the right place to get involved with him right now. I have a lot of self reflection to do first so I am praying he will stay away and not put me in a position to make any decisions!!
Life is complicated sometimes lol!!

[JennaBella]

Feeling good today!Went out for lunch with a group of friends, had a really good laugh! Took my kids swimming and we had a ball My good friend came to visit me tonight and we had a really nice chilled out girlie night.
Ex can go take a long run off a short pier right now as far as I'm concerned. He of course contacted me today.... My bosses were over at his new office today handing over documents I'd been working on. He had presumed I would be with them and when I wasn't there he immediately emailed me asking why I hadn't come too, he thought I'd be there. I didn't reply, instead I hit delete
I sense something is changing, I have a gut feeling about it.....