Mind won't let me move on

[DarkHelmet82]

I feel for you, it sounds like you are really hurting over her. The best advice I can give you is if she ever does contact you again, ignore it. My ex dumped me about 6 months ago, and I was feeling good until about a week ago when she decided to contact me and tell me all the feelings she still has for me, but also that we can never be together again and she is happier without me. Now I just feel worse. So, avoid her at all costs, and you will feel better with time, I promise.

Wtf.. is your ex satan and mine is the beast?

[Lifetime]

Wtf.. is your ex satan and mine is the beast?

Sure feels like it sometimes, huh?

[DarkHelmet82]

well its ****ed up... my ex did something similar.. and of course like an idiot I let her do it.. Ultimately nobody controls your thoughts except yourself.

Unfortunetly for me (at least from preliminary things) I suffer from depression which is most likely hereditary so shit affects me worse than most.. but yeah.. what did she expect to accomplish by saying that to you...

[Lifetime]

I assume that she just wants to hear that I'm still there and that I still love her and miss her. I tell myself if she ever contacts again I'll ignore it, but I know deep down that I wouldn't hesitate to speak to her again, even though I'm completely aware that I'll just feel worse when I do. Just a bad, bad situation.

[OmnicronPercei8]

shes trying to stay friends because it makes her feel better. You cant be friends if you have feelings. I got the "i really want to remain friends.. i mean it." When I tried too she eventually told me it would just be awkward. When one or both people still have feelings romantically a friendship wont work. You will just delay your happiness longer if you are friends with her.

I've told her all this. Several times now. I told her (a few weeks ago anyway) that I was still in love with her and I couldn't be friends for those very reasons. I told her I needed to have distance from her if she wants me to get over her. I don't think she's wanting to be friends because it makes her feel better (although it might). I think that she more or less wants to have her cake and eat it too. We were good friends prior to the relationship and now that she's figured that we're not compatible she wants to just go immediately back to that. I told her how it ended wasn't w/o repercussions and she may have lost a good friend in me forever. Time will tell on that. Who knows. Six months down the line, I may be able to have a friendship with her if there are no more emotions lingering, but at this time I feel I'll always have love in my heart for her. She was to be my future wife and mother of my children and we had talked about how we would grow old together.

[OmnicronPercei8]

This is tough, I also got let go through a very quick phone call, not face to face, with a bunch of reasons that weren't relationship ending, but it was all she gave me. So many unanswered questions, no goodbye hug, no nothing. We went from quite close on a Thursday to over on the Friday, overnight things changed.

I still have no answers, no closure, and trouble sleeping at night. I feel your pain, the weekends are the worst, but I've been NC for a while and am hoping that it gets better. I still want to contact her to meet for a coffee so we can close things right, but I don't know if it would help, or if she would even accept. At least I'm lucky enough to have no idea what is happening in her life, so if she is seeing someone else, I'm better off not knowing.

We're all in this together.

As I mentioned earlier in the thread she had contacted me and we got into it via email (nothing unusual about that anymore). Through many emails back and forth she finally started giving me some (more rehearsed?) better reasons for the split. When she first broke up with me it just didn't make sense. None of it did. Now at least she is owning up to her own faults and is apologizing for the way she treated me while we were in the relationship claiming she now knows the mistakes she's made and can pursue other relationships without making the same mistakes again. I hate that I feel like a martyr as she claimed that she learned a lot from the failing of our relationship and realized for the first time ever she needed to make a change from herself to stop the destructive pattern in relationships that helped do ours in.

It really all just came down to bad circumstances, and bad timing. We loved each other deeply and will always have feelings for each other but the sad and ironic part about it all is we both needed change to be able to accommodate the other person in the way we deserved. The things that we needed to work on to be with the other person weren’t fully realized until we were at the point of no return. I think a better and renewed version of ourselves would have stood the test of time but now we’ll never know. I do feel at least that I've gotten some closure out of her today and she agreed she wouldn't contact me anymore but if I ever wanted to reach out to her, I'd know where to find her.

[DarkHelmet82]

Timing is half of the piece for a relationship to prosper. the other half is the spark or the connection.

[OmnicronPercei8]

I assume that she just wants to hear that I'm still there and that I still love her and miss her. I tell myself if she ever contacts again I'll ignore it, but I know deep down that I wouldn't hesitate to speak to her again, even though I'm completely aware that I'll just feel worse when I do. Just a bad, bad situation.

Yes that sucks. I went through a situation like that before. Every three months almost like clockwork my ex would call me up from another unknown number so when I'd pick up I'd of course be surprised to hear from her. Almost every time she'd call, I would be lonesome and single (even though I had serial dated several others in those gaps) and while my feelings became less and less intense for her, we would go hang out and by the following week she would be telling me she'd want me back. We just had such great chemistry that I couldn't seem to help myself. We'd do the dance for 2-6 weeks and go through it all over again and I'd say the hurt got less and less but it didn't really. I cried the last time we had broken up and I hadn't cried at either of my two best friend's funerals. Finally I would just tell her I couldn't talk and had to go if she called. She would text for a while asking to meet up and I never would. For two years longer this went on with me never physically seeing her but would be polite and talk through text a little bit. She was BPD and I had to talk her off the proverbial ledge from time to time so I was afraid that she'd actually do something drastic if I didn't at least grant her some kind of texts. That was when I didn't know anything about BPD mind you. I seemed trapped in an eternal situation until I finally met my recent ex. When the BPDxgf called I told her I had to go and I was talking to my girlfriend thinking she'd take the hint. She texted back complaining that the last several times she wanted to get together again I had a girlfriend. I texted back letting her know I was in love with someone else and I could no longer be any part of her life... something I should have done long before.

I'll never get caught up in that vicious cycle again. I believe in second chances and six months down the line or longer if I happened to get back with my ex I'd give it another go (at least I think I would right now), but the next time she hurt me would be the last I can guarantee you that.

[OmnicronPercei8]

Timing is half of the piece for a relationship to prosper. the other half is the spark or the connection.

We had the spark no doubt about it. Sometimes in the relationship I worried that it was too strong.

The flame that burns twice as bright burns only for half as long

[DarkHelmet82]

We had the spark no doubt about it. Sometimes in the relationship I worried that it was too strong.

The flame that burns twice as bright burns only for half as long

happened with me too buddy.. it sucks but nothing you can do

[pisces25]

I hate that I feel like a martyr as she claimed that she learned a lot from the failing of our relationship and realized for the first time ever she needed to make a change from herself to stop the destructive pattern in relationships that helped do ours in.

When my ex broke up with me I had the very same feelings as he said I was the one that made him realise he needed to change. I felt so ripped off coz it seemed I went through a lot of hurt for him to realise this and he was just going to go off and fix himself and then someone else would get the 'best' of him. It felt so unfair. But the way I turned it around was I thought 'this happens to everyone. We all need failed relationships to realise how we can do better next time'. So right now somewhere out there a relationship is failing for the same reasons. And guess what? Perhaps the next girl you meet will have been through a trail of destructive patterns but now realises what it takes to have a good relationship, so you will get the best version of her and her ex will be the one sitting there scratching his head going through what you are now. And when this happens do you want to be the one still hung up on your ex and still holding a flame for her? Put this down to a learning experience. If you look deep enough into the situation you will be able to pinpoint where you might be able to improve too. It takes two to have a relationship and two to break up.

Also, think about what a wonderful positive thing you have done for this girl. Through meeting you she wants to become a better person so she can go on to have more fulfilling relationships in life. You won't be forgotten for that.

[DarkHelmet82]

wow picses.. that was beautiful!

[OmnicronPercei8]

I hate that I feel like a martyr as she claimed that she learned a lot from the failing of our relationship and realized for the first time ever she needed to make a change from herself to stop the destructive pattern in relationships that helped do ours in.

When my ex broke up with me I had the very same feelings as he said I was the one that made him realise he needed to change. I felt so ripped off coz it seemed I went through a lot of hurt for him to realise this and he was just going to go off and fix himself and then someone else would get the 'best' of him. It felt so unfair. But the way I turned it around was I thought 'this happens to everyone. We all need failed relationships to realise how we can do better next time'. So right now somewhere out there a relationship is failing for the same reasons. And guess what? Perhaps the next girl you meet will have been through a trail of destructive patterns but now realises what it takes to have a good relationship, so you will get the best version of her and her ex will be the one sitting there scratching his head going through what you are now. And when this happens do you want to be the one still hung up on your ex and still holding a flame for her? Put this down to a learning experience. If you look deep enough into the situation you will be able to pinpoint where you might be able to improve too. It takes two to have a relationship and two to break up.

Also, think about what a wonderful positive thing you have done for this girl. Through meeting you she wants to become a better person so she can go on to have more fulfilling relationships in life. You won't be forgotten for that.

That's a very positive perspective on my situation. Thank you