unmarried man w/ 2 divorces single mom, what to do?

[simonmagus]

Looking for more general advice and comments.

BACKGROUND INFO:
I have never been married or have any children. She has been married twice. Cheated on first husband. Second husband cheated on her. Then we started the affair. He found out and divorced her. They have a young daughter together. We decided prior to divorce that we would not immediately start living together or get married, she would need some time to become her own person again before pursuing those things. She had told me that she would consider additional children and our marriage in the future. Two years have passed. I initially tried to become a male influence in her daughters life but mom doesn't allow me to discipline and doesn't not require her daughter to treat me with respect. Now I am also being told that we will never have children together and that we can't get married until her kid is 18, which is more than a decade away. We had made many plans about buying a piece of land and building a future together, but now she is wasting money on frivolous vacations without me. She also says now that my standard of living is too low for her daughter, and this is why we can't live together, get married, etc. She has never had to provide for herself and now relies on her parents and a social security scam taking care of a invalid.

STUFF GOING ON NOW:
She says that she doesn't want to rely on me for security but at the same time won't be with be completely until I can provide said security. I own my own business, so it isn't like I am a major slacker or anything. I propose that we work together to achieve our goals and mutual security. I feel that I was tricked by the whole Yes / No on having kids. She responds that I ruined her marriage and that she wished none of this ever happened. Then has a bipolar fit and when I break up with her goes crazy about how she loves me and I am the only one for her. I remind her of the problems and she uses her kid as an excuse for EVERYTHING. I also have this strange gut feeling that she may be cheating on me, nothing proved, just a feeling. She is also becoming more and more disrespectful of my opinions and feelings, and I have to admit I am doing the same to her in return.

THE QUESTION:
Do I really want kids myself? I thought so, but after being around hers I am reconsidering. Should I just go find some younger woman who hasn't been married or have kids yet? Maybe I should just keep on the way things are? I could just string this along and see if something better comes by. I could also just resign myself and agree that I will never get married or have kids and stay with her as a friendly sex buddy.

What do you think? Keep trying to make it work, leave her and find another woman, or give up completely and become a celibate hermit?

[Wakeup]

So: Other than the sex what good is she? Why would you stay with this woman? I have to ask because you don't describe her in one positive light. You don't say you love her and she is frauding the government out of likely thousands of dollars. She has nothing good about herself and still thinks you're a piss poor provider.

Get yourself away from her and her mental and promiscuous issues (that poor child of hers). Seriously. Why are you still with her and why would you even consider having a child with this woman when you see what a crap job she's doing with the first one. This relationship will not last. Do you want your kid to spend most of the time alone with her while you get visitation every other weekend. Ugh.

[simonmagus]

I guess that I am just pessimistic at this point and it is easy to skip over the good things when you are mad. There are good things though. I do love her. When not dealing with the aforementioned problems, we get along great. At one point we would be considered best friends. I guess that I need to decide if I really want a kid and then go from there. It is just a bad feeling when someone makes that decision for you. I am reaching the age where I either need to start a family or give up on the idea of ever having one.

If I can convince myself that I don't ever want a kid then she would be an ideal choice for an irresponsible and frivolous lifestyle! Hahaha, JK.

[DarkHelmet82]

she sounds like she has her own life that does not involve you..i.e. going on vacations without you, spending money frivilously etc... I would move on.. you can become a hermit.. but dont become celibate. Also if you have a feelings you probably right.. but you defeintly would need proof.

[Wakeup]

If I can convince myself that I don't ever want a kid then she would be an ideal choice for an irresponsible and frivolous lifestyle! Hahaha, JK.

Careful what you wish for. I suggest you read your Opening Post again and decide why you'd want to settle. You want children, she doesn't allow you to be a father and she's a horrible partner. Love alone isn't enough to make a relationship a happy one.

Good luck.