I can't trust my boyfriend anymore. I need some advice.

[cupcakelove]

I have never been part of an online forum but I felt like I really needed some advice on my relationship right now.

I am 22 and I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now but I'm having a hard time trusting him. After we were dating for about a year, I decided to transfer to a university far away, so we decided to move in together. We faced some issues that any couple would face living together, but nothing big. I thought everything was going pretty good, until I found an email that he had sent to his ex- girlfriend. The email was flirty, but nothing that inappropriate. Of course it bothered me, so after that I became suspicious of what he was doing online.
We moved back home with our parents for the summer and one day he left his computer at my house, so I decided to snoop around. I found this strange file on is desktop and when I opened it, it was directions to an orgy. I was totally shocked and thought that maybe it was just some sort of spam or something. Then I found another file of a conversation exchanged with a girl asking if she wanted to webcam with him again. I wasn't even sure if it was him talking because it was exchanged through a username I had never heard of. Long story short, I did some detective work and found out that he had been posting and responding to sexual ads on craigslist. I was completely devastated because I really trusted him and never thought he would do anything like that. When I asked him about it he said that he never cheated on me and that he only posted the ads to get responses from people. He said he only webcamed with 1 girl one time and that he never showed himself. He told me that he would lead people on and made them believe he would meet up with them but then never did. He said it gave him a sense of control over people or something. He even posted ads in the men seeking men section... I never understood it. But he convinced me that he never cheated on me and that it had nothing to do with me. The worst part was that the whole scandal had been going on for almost a year, he started doing it before we even moved in together.
He definitely knew exactly what to say to me. He said he would do anything to make our relationship work and that he would never do anything like that again. I took about a month break from him that summer but we still had our apartment waiting for us and I couldn't bare to think about moving back there by myself. I didn't have many friends there, and I didn't know what I would do. So i think out of comfort I took him back. I thought maybe it would make our relationship stronger. I still loved him and I really wanted to believe him.
When we moved back in together, things seemed to only get worse. His charm that he used to get me back only lasted about a month. I was going to school full time and he was only taking one or two classes. He told me he was going to get a job but he never did, and pretty much sat around the house all day playing video games. Obviously I worried about him being home all day, I didn't know what he was doing and I would constantly check his computer history and emails. It was tiring and never satisfying. I never really got over everything that happened, I think what bothered me the most was not knowing exactly what really went on. I think I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was always haunting me.
He started suffering from depression and anxiety and things just seemed to go even more downhill from there. He was put on anti-depressents and anti-anxiety medicine. He seemed to become more irritable and we were fighting more than we ever had before.
When he got accepted to a university down by our families I thought maybe living close to home would change things, maybe it would be better for us because we wouldn't be so isolated. We just moved into our new apartment 2 weeks ago and things seemed like they were getting better. But he went to visit some of his friends in Arizona last weekend and of course I was constantly worried about what he was doing. Especially because he was drinking and going to parties. He reassured me that nothing was happening. The morning after he got home, I couldn't resist looking through his text messages. That's when I found a text sent to his friend while in Arizona about going to a party. It said something along the lines of "will there be any hott girls there? Ill be flirty but no touchy... well maybe touchy but don't tell". After reading that it seemed like the final straw. I packed a suitcase and came to my parents house. Now I am sitting here trying to decide what to do. My mind is telling me that I need to end things but my heart is having a hard time letting go. Please give me some advice.

[VincenzoG91]

You can't have love without trust, and the trust is gone from this relationship. Besides, he sounds like a loser.

[Cerby]

Rational thought > emotional thought. Its just hard to realize when you're overrun by emotion.

You know its over, it needs to be. Most people here will recommend "No Contact", and that seems to be the best way to move on quickly.

[Horseyguy]

End it .. today!!

Seriously, take a step back and ask yourself is this really what you deserve?

Don't you think you really deserve to be with someone that will treat you right, care about you, someone you can love and trust?

Breaking up will be hard and it will feel horrible for a few weeks / months but don't compromise on your happiness.

A few weeks of grief now is heaps better than months of pain later when you end it anyway, which you will because he WILL do it again.

Take the control and walk away, he doesn't deserve you

[jules82]

Definitely move on. Especially since you've had trust issues throughout your entire relationship. Look at all the time and effort you've put into him and checking in to see what he was up to - you put all your time into only him, and it doesn't seem like he's doing the same for you. His focus is obviously elsewhere. The bottom line - don't waste any more time wondering what he's doing or who he might be seeing. If he REALLY cared about you that much, his time would be with you - not drinking, at parties, and having text conversations about being touchy with other girls. That means he wasn't thinking about you period. You seem like a well grounded, smart girl.....move on and find someone who will treat you better. I know how you feel. It's hard to let go, but once you finally do - you'll see how free you really are.....

[cupcakelove]

Well we are usually together all the time, he's not usually drinking and partying. This was an exception because he was away visiting his friends in Arizona. But still I can see your point. Thanks for your advice.

[cupcakelove]

He just sent me a bouquet of flowers and a promise ring. He is making this so hard for me.

[tremolo]

Wow, what an asshole! Keep the flowers, sell the promise ring, and kick that guy to the curb. Ew ew ew ew ew. You deserve so much better.

[HeartIsAching]

He just sent me a bouquet of flowers and a promise ring. He is making this so hard for me.

Have you ever heard of the "Cycle of Violence"?

it goes like this:

Tension Building--> Explosion--> Honeymoon and then repeats. You begin with waiting for something to happen, sometimes violent or another form for abuse like cheating. Then it happens, the explosion or cheating or whatever it was. Then the apologies, getting showered with gifts and attention.

Then it happens again. And again. What holds the entire cycle up is denial. Keep telling yourself that it won't happen again... but it will.

Oh, the cool part? You get to start associating the gifts, attention and makeup sex with the abusive behavior.

[MerryH]

He just sent me a bouquet of flowers and a promise ring. He is making this so hard for me.

Manipulation. Throw out the flowers and send back the promise ring. Those things were given out of desperation and mean nothing. You don't make a gesture like that which is normally supposed to be a meaningful symbol of love (whatever) when fighting. That's a terrible thing to do. And as HeartIsAching pointed out, you'll forever associate that promise ring with this shitty situation.

And that Craigslist thing is really weird. If his explanation is true, that's kind of a sociopathic way to use people and so tacky and inappropriate for someone in a relationship. If it's not true, and he's actually meeting randoms off Craigslist then holy crap. I mean, Craigslist personals is a really bottom of the barrel, lowlife scene. I liken it to hunting for random sex at an adult "arcade" or truckstop parking lot. Seedy.

So, it's either sociopathic tendencies, or sexual ickiness. Is that not enough right there to never want to see him again? Please say yes.

[Flower77]

Image your live with him. How do you feel when you check his mailbox and other private stuff. How do you feel each time that you read his private mails. How did you feel when you found out about his hidden 'life". How would you feel if you had to live your life on these conditions.
Is this situation make you happy. How will you feel if you get rid of someone who is hurting you. Perhaps you will be sad a couple of months?


Why does a woman need a man in her live? I would see you are a complete and beautiful person. A man should get a place in a woman's life if he can add something, at least make her happier then she is, when she is alone.

Just think about it.

[cupcakelove]

Thanks for all of your advice. In my rational mind I knew I needed to end it but I needed something to push me to go in that direction, I prayed about it and right afterwards I found out he has been doing shit on Craigslist again. I freaked out and broke up with him over the phone that night. He is a fragile guy and carries a lot of emotional trauma from his childhood so I tried to let him off as easily as possible, I talked to him for an hour, reassuring him that everything would be okay and that I still loved him and cared about him and just wanted him to get better. I felt like I had to be the strong one even though he was the one who broke my heart. The next day (yesterday) I let his best friend know what was happening because he was all alone at our apartment and hadn't talked to anyone about what had been going on. His friend tried to get a hold of him all day but got no response, so I tried to get a hold of him and got no response either. This was unlike him. I started to get really worried because he has tried to hurt himself in the past. I had a really bad feeling, so I called his family, and his sister ended up going to check on him (he lives an hour and a half away). Turns out he did try to kill himself by overdosing on his meds and anything he could find in our apartment. He was rushed to the hospital and I think he is doing okay now but I just feel so distraught. I know that its not my fault but I know that breaking up with him just pushed him over the edge. I can't imagine what I would have done if he had actually succeeded in killing himself. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Breaking up is hard enough and now I have to deal with all of this. I'm feeling so many different emotions right now.

[MerryH]

So what are you going to do now? Are you still talking to him?

[sadie_genie]

He is going through hell and he intends to drag you down with him. How selfish. He has no motivation in life anymore, depressed, and indulge in sexual gratifications with strangers to make himself feel better. On top of that, he isn't thinking about the effect he is having on you. If this guy cares about you at all, he will be the one tellling you to distance yourself from him.

[cologne]

Vox Populi Vox Dei-the voice of the people is the voice of God.Dump him now or be dumped.