What do men in relationships really think when watching porn?

[Katmeow85]

I want sex with my artner all the time and do alot of things women would never do. I except that porn is ok but I can't help feeling ugly when he does or that Im not good enough. I'd have sex 3 times a day or more if I could. I just don't feel as loved as I once was when we got together.

[Katmeow85]

Also we only have sex once a week or maybe once in a fortnight. I have no idea how many times he masterbates, but I'm thinking more than he touches me.

[tremolo]

You've got it backwards. He is choosing to fantasize about the unattainable women because they pose no threat to your relationship. It's harmless fantasy, like you picturing George Clooney when you close your eyes during sex.

I guess none of this makes sense to me because when I am with someone, I don't have a desire to be with other people. I've been in relationships with very average looking guys, and when a hot guy would hit on me, I'd feel a small twinge of desire and perhaps a fleeting sense of regret that I was attached, but it never went beyond that. It doesn't do anything for me to fantasize about a guy I have no connection to, and so, whenever I am attached, I fantasize about various situations with my partner, and usually no one else.

I think it doesn't makes sense to me why, if you're truly happy with what you have, and that person is absolute for you, you'd be focusing time and sexual energy on someone else - unless you were unsatisfied with or unfulfilled by your partner. I think it will probably always bother me that, quite unlike women, men never seem to be content with just one person. I'm not saying it bothers me that they find other women attractive or desirable - it bothers me that they feel compelled to 'have' those women in some way.

In terms of your quote, it means "Well, since I truly value my relationship with tremolo, these fake-looking unattainable porn stars will have to do for my special alone time."

I guess in a really perverse way that is comforting- but again, it just reinforces to me that I must in some way be inadequate in his mind if it is so important to him that he be with other women besides me. Maybe because I feel that if a man was really invested in a woman, he wouldn't be concentrating so hard on other women. I feel they would be a momentary distraction, and not the object of a sustained fantasy.

[tremolo]

Why do you automatically assume that he thinks they are superior. Looks aren't everything you know. Just because they have big fake boobs and butt cheek implants and ribs removed to obtain a smaller waist size doesn't mean much it's a visual afterall.

You put yourself as being inferior to them, not him.

I don't think I'm inferior at all - in fact, it boggles my mind that my partner would ever prefer the majority of those women over me. 9 times out of 10 - or more - I fail to understand why they are considered beautiful or desirable. Which I guess is a small consolation to me, since I'd be more hurt if he was jerking off over truly beautiful models and not skanky enhanced porn stars.

Anyway, that story about your bird is hilarious! That is way too funny.

[VincenzoG91]

I guess none of this makes sense to me because when I am with someone, I don't have a desire to be with other people. I've been in relationships with very average looking guys, and when a hot guy would hit on me, I'd feel a small twinge of desire and perhaps a fleeting sense of regret that I was attached, but it never went beyond that. It doesn't do anything for me to fantasize about a guy I have no connection to, and so, whenever I am attached, I fantasize about various situations with my partner, and usually no one else.

I think it doesn't makes sense to me why, if you're truly happy with what you have, and that person is absolute for you, you'd be focusing time and sexual energy on someone else - unless you were unsatisfied with or unfulfilled by your partner. I think it will probably always bother me that, quite unlike women, men never seem to be content with just one person. I'm not saying it bothers me that they find other women attractive or desirable - it bothers me that they feel compelled to 'have' those women in some way.



I guess in a really perverse way that is comforting- but again, it just reinforces to me that I must in some way be inadequate in his mind if it is so important to him that he be with other women besides me. Maybe because I feel that if a man was really invested in a woman, he wouldn't be concentrating so hard on other women. I feel they would be a momentary distraction, and not the object of a sustained fantasy.

Generally, each one of those porn women is a momentary distraction and not the object of a sustained fantasy. There may be some creepy stalker types who obsess over one specific porn star, but I bet most guys are looking quite a variety of porn. Also, a lot of guys understand that the porn sex is often inferior to what can happen between a man and a woman that are in love. The porn women often put on a big act, with loud, fake moaning and act like they enjoy it when they catch a load in the face, but most of us aren't fooled.

I think that guys are wired to appreciate variety, but the decent ones will stay faithful but use porn as an aid to maintaining that loyalty. You should be more concerned about a guy who claims that he doesn't look at porn at all, because that's the guy who may have a more dangerous outlet for his urges: cheating, peeping, rape, whatever.

[tremolo]

Generally, each one of those porn women is a momentary distraction and not the object of a sustained fantasy. There may be some creepy stalker types who obsess over one specific porn star, but I bet most guys are looking quite a variety of porn. Also, a lot of guys understand that the porn sex is often inferior to what can happen between a man and a woman that are in love. The porn women often put on a big act, with loud, fake moaning and act like they enjoy it when they catch a load in the face, but most of us aren't fooled.

I think that guys are wired to appreciate variety, but the decent ones will stay faithful but use porn as an aid to maintaining that loyalty. You should be more concerned about a guy who claims that he doesn't look at porn at all, because that's the guy who may have a more dangerous outlet for his urges: cheating, peeping, rape, whatever.

This is somewhat comforting to me. Although, when I was talking about momentary distractions - I meant women who randomly come into view, and not distractions he goes looking for.


Anyway, thank you

[pisces25]

It doesn't do anything for me to fantasize about a guy I have no connection to

A lot of women feel this way Trem. Because we associate sex with our emotions. Guys don't do this as much because they (not all!) can fantasize about women they have no connection with. Think of it as a person that appreciates art looking at a beautiful piece of artwork. They will admire it, appreciate it and briefly might fantasize about it hanging in their loungeroom but for many reasons they don't buy it. Which in this analogy is the guy that is in a relationship with a beautiful woman he has an intimate connection with. Guys have big ego's, they love picturing themselves ****ing a hot woman. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship (unless it becomes an addiction and your sex life suffers). And unless we blindfold our men it is always going to be the case. Porn has always been around (I remember finding my dad's mags when I was younger - gross!) it is just far more accessible these days with the internet and somewhat accepted in society. We live in a very sexualised society not much is taboo anymore! Not saying I agree or disagree with it but it's a fact. Anyway I say if it isn't detrimental to the relationship let the little boys have their fun. It is the closest some of them are actually going to get to a super, super hot woman.

[tremolo]

It doesn't do anything for me to fantasize about a guy I have no connection to

A lot of women feel this way Trem. Because we associate sex with our emotions. Guys don't do this as much because they (not all!) can fantasize about women they have no connection with. Think of it as a person that appreciates art looking at a beautiful piece of artwork. They will admire it, appreciate it and briefly might fantasize about it hanging in their loungeroom but for many reasons they don't buy it. Which in this analogy is the guy that is in a relationship with a beautiful woman he has an intimate connection with. Guys have big ego's, they love picturing themselves ****ing a hot woman. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship (unless it becomes an addiction and your sex life suffers). And unless we blindfold our men it is always going to be the case. Porn has always been around (I remember finding my dad's mags when I was younger - gross!) it is just far more accessible these days with the internet and somewhat accepted in society. We live in a very sexualised society not much is taboo anymore! Not saying I agree or disagree with it but it's a fact. Anyway I say if it isn't detrimental to the relationship let the little boys have their fun. It is the closest some of them are actually going to get to a super, super hot woman.

This doesn't make me feel any better, but I understand it. I like your art analogy as well. As an art lover, that's something I can relate to.

[pisces25]

You take it too personally. A guy watching porn is not a reflection on how he feels about you. Guys love being in a safe, loving, secure relationship with someone they love, just like women do. It is eye candy for them. And most would have been doing it since they were teens. They won't automatically stop because they have met someone.
IF it is affecting the relationship yes, a woman has every right to be pissed (I have been in this situation and used to feel like you do about porn) but if it isn't I don't see the problem. Do you feel the same if a guy looks at an underwear catalogue and sees a nice women in lingerie? How do you know he isn't having sexual thoughts about her and thinking of her when he screws you later?

[MaidenMinx]

Oh Pisces, I hope you haven't sent Tremolo into a wave of paranoia about catalogues.

:p

[tremolo]

. Do you feel the same if a guy looks at an underwear catalogue and sees a nice women in lingerie?

I tend to worry a bit any time my boyfriend is around an outrageously attractive female - whether in person or otherwise. Having been treated very badly in the past, I'm often worried I'll be treated that way again. It's hard for me to trust men at first. And yes - I do take it really personally, which is the source of my anxiety.

[tremolo]

How do you know he isn't having sexual thoughts about her and thinking of her when he screws you later?

I had an ex tell me once, in a thinly veiled way, that I was so substandard all he could think about when we were intimate was how inadequate I am, and how much better he could do.

I think that has permanently scarred me. I always assume men are thinking of other women when they're with me now.

[MaidenMinx]

I had an ex tell me once I was so substandard all he could think about when we were intimate was how inadequate I am, and how much better he could do.

I think that has permanently scarred me. I always assume men are thinking of other women when they're with me now.

That is horrible Tremolo!! *hugs*

[pisces25]

Then your issue isn't really porn as such, it is men in general.

When you are in the right relationship and you feel secure these anxieties will go away. I often comment on attractive women more than my partner does. He is very good at being subtle and not outrightly perving in front of me. Bottom line is I know he loves me so I can see these things for what they are.

Sorry you have been hurt in the past but just remember not all guys are asshats.

[tremolo]

That is horrible Tremolo!! *hugs*

I really ought to send him an invoice for my therapy sessions. lol